


In My Remains

by SonataNocturne



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cameos, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character(s), Muteness, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Slash, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-03-04 19:43:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 80,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13371792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: New album and a new tour coming up. But then Brad gets attacked and doesn't remember what happened. Mike wants to help him but he has a secret that gets in the way.





	1. Something has been taken from deep inside of me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! Something slightly different from me (not plotwise, but as a beginning). Also published in LPFiction and Wattpad. Check out also my other stories.

It was like any other day for Mike Shinoda. Well like any other day after his wife left him. That wasn't really a sad thing, he was satisfied that they had divorced. Just he reason behind it was hurting his heart. Only Anna and their drummer, Rob knew why. Mike wouldn't have even wanted to tell him but now he was glad he blurted it out. Cause with Anna he couldn't talk about it. After Anna found out she had packed her bags instantly and left to her moms. Divorce wasn't final but they were trying to handle it as fast as possible. Anna's wish, he wanted to get rid of everything that reminded of him.

 

Now he was sitting in his home studio trying to create something. They were about to release a new album, and didn't have really anything else than interviews and rehearsals before they would hit the road again and start a big tour. But he was just obsessed with writing. Or more like trying to focus to something else than to the thoughts that were spinning in his head. Sighing he took a sip from his water bottle and stared at the computer screen.

 

He was wondering should he try to figure something else to do or just stay there. It had been a beautiful day and the sun was just setting. A walk seemed first like a good idea but then he would have to be alone with his thoughts. Suddenly he heard his phone ring and tossed the idea aside. The phone he had left to the kitchen cause he was annoyed when it was beeping all the time from notifications. Surely turning them off would have been a option too, but then he would have had to turn them back on.

 

Mike Shinoda, he answered the phone like he usually did when there was no caller ID.

 

"Mr. Shinoda, I'm calling from LA County General. Your number was found as ICE number from Mr. Delson's phone. He was brought here earlier today", a bright woman voice told him.

 

"Brad? What's happened?", Mike started to shake.

 

"I'm afraid we don't know. Police are investigating", the woman continued.

 

"I'm coming there. But he.... he is fine?", his voice was taut as the strings of a bow.

 

"He is alive", the woman said in a reassuring voice.

 

As they had ended the call Mike dialed Rob instantly and got out from his house.

 

"Yup"

 

Mike's voice was cracking now and he barely got his words out properly. "Rob, Brad is in County General. Can you... Could you come with me?"

 

He listened to the silence while running to his car. The drummer was apparently trying to process the words the emcee had said.

 

"What? Yeah, pick me up? How is he? What has happened?", Rob croaked.

 

"I don't know. They don't know. I'll be there in ten", the emcee mumbled and turned the engine on tossing his phone to the shotgun seat.

 

The drive felt excruciatingly long and he forced himself not to scream. Rob was pale as a sheet when he had picked him up and calling to rest of the band members. When they arrived at the hospital they ran inside trying not to knock anyone over.

 

"I got call earlier. I'm Mike Shinoda and my friend Mr. Delson is here", he panted at the desk.

 

"Mr. Shinoda, wait here. I'll get the doctor", a nurse nodded and turned on his heels.

 

"Mike calm down. I can already see you're about to strangle someone", the drummer whispered to the pacing man.

 

Mike couldn't believe this. Brad was hurt and he couldn't do anything to help him.

 

"Mr. Shinoda? Hello, I'm Mr. Delson's doctor", a white coated am was suddenly in front of them.

 

"Hello. Can we see him? What's going on?", Mike shook the hand the doctor offered not really feeling to have any kind of a small talk.

 

"Yes, in a minute. And you would also need to stay after cause the police wants to talk with you. I'm afraid that Mr. Delson has suffered severe injuries. He has also amnesia. CT scan was clear so we believe it is at least partially dissociative. He remembers otherwise perfectly but not what happened to him or what led to that. Police will talk to you more about it when they arrive. Usually this kind of memory loss isn't permanent ", the doctor explained calmly.

 

The emcee's heart was beating so fast he was afraid that he would faint. Rob was squeezing his arm probably thinking the same.

 

The doctor pointed at a corridor. "So, let me guide you to your friend. I have to remind that he has several injuries."

 

They followed him quietly not really knowing what to expect or think.

 

Brad was laying in hospital bed completely still looking out of the window. Mike ran to him more anxious than ever. Same time Rob's phone rang.

 

"Yeah. I'll come to the corridor", he said got the phone before turning to Mike, "It was Chester, I'll come and get him, be back soon."

 

He was still reluctant to leave. The emcee looked shocked, sad, confused and all that. He was afraid the other would loose it.

 

"Brad. What happened?", Mike mumbled trying to get an eye contact.

 

The doctor cleared his throat and gave him a look like saying: "Are you daft? I just told you he doesn't remember what happened."

 

He looked horrible. Mike was happy the guitarist was alive but he looked like he has to be in pain. He had bruises and scratches all over his upper body. Nose broken, other arm broken too as it was in a cast and a sling. The skin under eyes was blueish and his lip was split. The white hospital sheet covered rest of his body.

 

"Hey... Say something please.." the emcee wiped the tears that were trying to escape.

 

Chester barged in with the drummer looking super worried. "How is he?"

 

"Dunno. Hasn't said a single word", Mike mumbled.

 

Rob frowned. Cause he knew something the other two of his band members in the room didn't.

 

"Mr. Delson has been treated. His arm is broken as you can see. CT scan was clear and he had a surgery to stop the internal bleeding. He had lost a lot of blood but we believe he should recover just fine", the doctor smiled.

 

Mike was fuming. The doctor was smiling when his friend was laying in the bed only vital sign showing being the breathing.

 

"What the fuck?! He is guitarist! He has broken arm! You don't know what happened and you say he will recover!", he charged at the doctor.

 

"Mike!", Rob got in the way just before he could punch the poor man doing only his job.

 

"No! Fix this!", he screamed when the drummer tried to hold him.

 

Chester sighed sadly and said to the doctor, "Could we go outside and talk about the recovery? He needs to cool down."

 

The doctor nodded glancing once at the half Asian who was still raging his face red.

 

"Mike what the fuck! Calm down. He is alive and we will figure out what happened. That is not helping at all", the drummer pushed him forcefully down to sit on a chair.

 

When the emcee finally calmed down so that Rob could let him go he went to look at Brad who was still staring out from the window.

 

"Brad. Could you please say something? Just to calm Mike down, okay? What is the last thing you remember?" he asked biting his lip.

 

The guitarist remained silent for a long time. Finally few words, "I was going to make some food. I remember that I was cutting up tomatoes."

 

Same time the door opened and two police man came inside with the doctor and the singer. They shook hands and introduced themselves before they got serious.

 

"We are sad to say but we don't know what has happened. We got a call today earlier from his neighbor. He had heard some screams and it wasn't usual to the couple to fight. He also knew that the wife was out of town so he didn't hesitate calling in. When we arrived the attacker had already left the premises. After we had called ambulance we did the basic crime scene investigation but haven't found anything. Few fibers that could be a lead but that's it. We talked with Mr. Bennington already and he told that the parents live in different state, and confirmed that both wife and brother are out of town", the apparently older officer told them.

 

"The house... I would suggest that someone goes there and cleans before Mr. Delson is released", the other added cringing.

 

Mike was about to stand up but Rob was one step ahead and pushed him back down giving a stern look.

 

"That's... You're saying that you can't do anything?" the drummer asked.

 

The older spoke again, "Sorry to say but no. We are going to hear the neighbors but we don't have any leads or evidence for now. If he remembers something we will of course hear him too."

 

"When. Not if", Mike glanced the guitarist and turned then to look the officers his eyes angry.

 

"I believe that is possible", the younger nodded looking at the doctor, "but we will contact you if we find our more."

 

And like that they were out of the room leaving them dumbfounded with the doctor.

 

"What now?", Chester spoke glancing at the emcee who was squeezing his hands closed so that his knuckles had turned to white.

 

The doctor sighed not really knowing how to tell it cause he didn't want to cause any conflict. "We are keeping him here over night just in case. One of you is allowed to stay, if you would like. In the morning he gets a visit from psychiatrist and after I have done the final examination he is released. I talked briefly with the psychiatrist and she told that he has all requirements to get better mentally. But he needs help from the friends and family. When she heard about in what condition the house was he strongly suggested that someone goes there before him as the police told too."

 

"Mike... Do you want to stay or...", Rob asked from the emcee who had relaxed.

 

"I would. I need to clean the house though. So you stay?" Mike almost pleaded like Chester wasn't even in the room.

 

"That's fine for me? Dave is driving back home today but he said that he is probably back tomorrow. Joe said he would take next flight", the singer mumbled.

 

"Okay. I'll leave you to it. If you need to talk with me the nurse will give you my number. I am more than happy to give you all possible details if you need them", the doctor nodded and left the room.

 

"Holy shit fuck", Chester sighed when the doctor had left.

 

Rob shook his head I disbelief. "You don't say... Mike, you alright?"

 

"No. I'm not alright. But I have to go to the house. Update me please if anything happens?" he went to look at the guitarist one final time before leaving.

 

"You will get through this. You hear me?" he went to grab Brad's hand but only caused him to flinch and pull his hand away.

 

\-----


	2. I thought I kept you safe and sound

\------

 

When Mike left the hospital he walked straight to his car and headed to Brad's apartment. He had a spare key but he was scared that he wouldn't even need it. It had to be breaking in, he was sure of it. Poor Brad just got in the way and... He had hard time on concentrating to the road. Brad was alive but what if he weren't? Feeling the panic arise he stamped on the gas. The guitarist lived in the same neighborhood as he himself and he thought that maybe if he just had gone to the walk he could have maybe saved him. Or seen the attacker.

 

Soon he parked in front of Brad's house and got out from the car. It felt like he something stuck in his throat when he walked to the door and opened it. And it was locked. Not even signs of breaking in. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Getting himself calm and his shaking hands steady would need way more than that. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. And flipped the light switch. Nothing. The hallway looked normal. He frowned but rationalized that there has to be something if the police warned them. Looking around he started to proceed. He would check every single room before leaving.

 

In the living room he saw first sign. A vase on a table that had been knocked over and broken on the floor. He made a mental remark that he would clean it up later. Next he approached the kitchen. Again nothing. It looked tidy. Only some dirty dishes that reminded that someone had cooked there earlier. Then he turned back to the living room to head to the other side of the house and to the master bedroom. Brad had a good sense of decorating and there was nothing too fancy. Or maybe it was Elisa, he felt a sting in his heart.

 

The master bedroom door was closed and he opened it. And that was it. He could have never prepared himself to the sight. There was blood everywhere. He knew that human body has around five liters of blood and it couldn't be that much cause Brad was alive. But it looked so much. Staring at the room he froze. He didn't know what to think or what to do. There was red visible at all lighter surfaces. They hadn't carpets so the blood was just in pools. And smears. And stains. Dry blood, sticky blood. On the floor there was one bigger pool and smaller smears. Walls had drops and smears. Bloody hand prints were everywhere, also on the sheets.

 

His breathing get deeper when he noticed the door to the patio was open. The first instinct told that the attacker probably came in there. Walking to the door he tried not to step on the crimson liquid so that he wouldn't make bigger mess. He had to use force to the door to get it close and locked again. Nightstand had been tipped over and lamp on it fallen and a curtain had been ripped down. Then there was glass, a lots of it. In the other side of the room there was a glass cabinet that had broken down and next to it a huge mirror in millions of tiny pieces. He got there and looked around. The glass shards had blood on them too. He started to pick up items that had been on the cabinet cause it certainly wasn't salvageable. Pictures, awards and some memorabilia.

 

A picture of them two together finally did it and he broke down to hysterical cry kneeling down on the floor. Looking at themselves smiling and leaning to each other and staring back at him. He didn't remember when it had been taken but based in their clothes it was probably over ten years ago. Other two pictures included the whole band. Why the fuck did this have to happen, he thought feeling utterly helpless.

 

Wiping his tears away he knew he had a task to do. He placed the picture down with the other items and got up to get something to help with the cleaning. He needed to scrub the dried blood but also wipe the wet pools. From kitchen he found bleach and sponges. The sheet that had also blood stains he used in the soaking and hoped Elisa wouldn't kill him cause it looked expensive. Then a dustpan for the glass and big trash bags. Being now in robot mode he carried the bigger glass in the bag and then continued with the smaller pieces. After that he grabbed the sheet that had absorbed the wet blood and tossed it in the same bag.

 

After he had gotten the glass away and the wet blood cleaned he focused on the stains. Wondering would the wooden floor be ruined cause of the bleach he groaned. He wanted to be in the hospital but he knew Rob didn't have stomach to this. He could barely function himself even though he was still in the auto-mode. Sighing he poured bleach on the floor and thought he would pay then the new floor if it would be ruined. He needed to get rid of that mess. The hoarse sponge did its work but after he was finished he could still see the edges where the blood had been. Of course the wood had absorbed some.

 

Next he got to the walls and was glad they had been painted. The color came of easily. Next he carried the trash outside cleaning the vase too and searched the rest of the rooms before getting back and checking that everything was fine. Wondering what had happened he lifted the nightstand and placed the lamp on it. There was clear evidence of fight but why Brad? The police didn't say that anything had been stolen and it seemed that it was personal. Or just some lunatics whim. He wished that he could help Brad to remember. Sooner he would they would also catch the attacker and get him to jail.

 

Walking to the closet he thought that the guitarist would probably need some clothes tomorrow. Randomly he choose something and placed them in a pile. Then he glanced around the room once more to make sure it was ready for Brad to come home. Even under the bed. Next he got out of the room, closed the door and and pushing away all thoughts got to his car with the clothes.

 

Back home he walked to his own bedroom and placed the clothes to his bed before he went to get a bag for them. When he passed a mirror while heading to a walk in closet he stopped. He had gotten the blood also on himself. The black t-shirt had a white logo which was now stained with his friends blood. He had also wiped his hand apparently to his face cause there were crimson streaks on his cheeks. Gasping he run to the bathroom and retched his stomach contents. After there was nothing more to get out he sat on the floor leaning against the cold tiles and fetched his phone from his pocket.

 

"Rob. I can't do this. There was so much blood...."

 

"Mike? What happened?"

 

"I cleaned it but... the floor is ruined. He will see that. Then I got blood on me too. Brad's blood. It's his blood! He could have died! He could have bled to death! And then there was a picture of us. In a glass cabinet that was in the bedroom. In the bedroom. Last thing he sees every night.. And... I used a sheet to wipe if the blood. Elisa will kill me", Mike sobbed to the phone.

 

"Mike calm down okay? Do you want me to call Chester there with you?"

 

"No. He... he wouldn't understand, you know.. I want Brad.... And him to be okay", Mike stared at his shaking hand. He felt like screaming and crying but same time he wanted to shut down completely.

 

"We have talked about this. You can't...", the drummer sighed.

 

"Have him. I know. But... Fuck", he mumbled back. "How is he?"

 

"Could be better. He is really sore, they upped the pain meds just hour ago. The doctor said he will write a proper prescription. They talked something about cuts but... I didn't want to ask", Rob answered quietly.

 

"Okay. That must be where the blood came.. Has... has he talked?", Mike breathed.

 

"No. Not a single word. Just wailed cause of the pain", the drummer mumbled.

 

"Great. Just fucking great. We need to get him to talk. And remember... You know when we find out who did this I will kill the person", the emcee said.

 

"Stop that. It's not going to help him. Now go to sleep okay? We'll see in the morning", Rob answered.

 

"Okay. I'll come early. Keep him safe. And please call me if something happens", Mike whispered and closed the phone.

 

He sighed and got up. One more thing to do before he could really go to sleep. He undressed quickly and got to the shower to scrub all the blood off and wash away his tears. Crying today was fine but tomorrow he had to be strong. For Brad. After he was satisfied he closed the stream and dried himself hastily to a towel.

 

Next he walked to the bed room and crawled under the blanket hair still wet. He was exhausted and his mind exploding with so many questions that he needed an answer to. Fearing that Brad wouldn't get better or they wouldn't catch who did it. After staring the ceiling for a long while he reached to grab Brad's shirt. Sure it was clean but it still smelled like him. He inhaled the scent and slowly drifted to restless sleep.

 

\------


	3. Everything is my fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just gonna toss this here. Hard day after the EP.

\-----

 

When Mike woke up next day to the annoying jingling of his phone the first thing that crossed his mind was why he head a headache. But then it all came crashing down and he felt like drowning. He rose quickly, folded the shirt back hoping that Brad wouldn't notice and decided a cup of coffee with a painkiller would do as a breakfast. Groaning he pulled his clothes on wanting to be at the hospital as quick as he could, grabbed the clothes with him and got to the kitchen.

 

"Hey... Anything?", he called for Rob while he was pouring the coffee on a take away cup.

 

"Nope. The shrink came. He had apparently answered some questions but only cause he was forced. Then I got a serious talk from the shrink which I will share with you later. The doctor that treated him yesterday has a surgery or so and won't come but another will of course", the drummer spoke quietly.

 

"Okay. I will be there soon", Mike answered not feeling any better.

 

He drove to the hospital way faster than he should have but he considered it as an emergency. As in his heart was trying to burst out from his chest. The doctor was already there talking with the drummer.

 

"I assume you're Mr. Shinoda? I just was about to get to the wound care. They need to be cleaned daily. He also needs help in shower since the cast shouldn't get wet and he isn't allowed to move the shoulder", the doctor greeted him when Rob turned around and gestured him to get closer.

 

"How... How long? The cast, when you will take it off?", Mike swallowed feeling the chunk in his throat just getting bigger.

 

"We can't know the exact date yet but since it was severe I would assume two months is pretty close", the answer was like a slap on his face.

 

Rob glanced at him looking worried but probably not as heart broken as he himself. The tour, the fans... He certainly wasn't ready to play instantly after the cast comes of anyway.

 

"So here is the prescription and then a list for wound care items that you should purchase also. He is allowed to leave now, but if there is any issues just contact his own doctor or get back here. He is scheduled for X-ray in next month but... we don't need to talk about that now", the doctor nodded and shook his hand before leaving.

 

They stood there in silent for a while, Mike staring at Rob and Rob staring back at him. Mike realized there was lots of things he wanted to say, but same time he didn't want to say anything at all. And some were things Brad shouldn't hear, but some were things that he needed to hear. He inhaled and walked to the bed. The whole time Brad had laid still not saying a single word.

 

"I brought you some clothes. The police took yours and... guess the hospital gown isn't something you would want to wear in public", Mike said placing the clothes on the bed.

 

Brad stood up and walked next to the clothes. First he looked lost but then Mike realized that he couldn't dress up himself.

 

"Mike... Do you....", Rob started but didn't know then how to say it without revealing Mike's feelings.

 

"Could you?", Mike mumbled turning around. He didn't want to see Brad naked. Not yet like this.

 

Rob dressed the guitarist quickly and soon they headed out. Brad slouched slowly, not at all like him. Mike was trying not to be so worried but the guitarist hadn't still said anything. His facial expression was blank too. They get in the car and picked up the items from pharmacy before dropping Rob off.

 

"So Chester told me that he could help if there is anything he could do. Dave should be here in some hours but Joe's flight was delayed", the drummer told.

 

"Okay. Guess we... can manage", Mike sighed. It wasn't like the others could help Brad more than he tried, but sure he wanted them to be there too. They were a family after all.

 

"Call me later?", Rob said before getting out from the car.

 

Mike nodded smiling little. "I like this new 'I will answer my phone'- Robbie better."

 

"Yeah well since you told me that y...", the drummer started but froze then. Almost oopsies, he thought kicking himself mentally.

 

The emcee rolled his eyes and headed to Brad's but decided to ask anyway would it be fine.

 

"Brad. I know you don't feel like talking. But... I just... The doctor said you would need help. That bag had all sorts of stuff for the wounds and... So guess I am asking do you want me to stay at your place or would you want to come to my place. The guest room is quite comfy", he said.

 

Brad stared out from the side window still not talking. Mike bit his lip and just drove feeling the ache on his heart getting worse and worse. Soon he stopped on the driveway and decided to ask again.

 

"I can't read your mind. Say something so that I know what to do, okay?", he sighed.

 

"You don't need to do anything. I'm fine", the guitarist muttered and just like that got out from the car and walked to his house closing the door behind.

 

Mike stared behind him frozen before bursting into tears. I can't help him. I wasn't there so that I could have prevented the attack. And now he doesn't want my help anymore, he thought. Wiping the tears that just kept coming he started the car and drove back to his own place.

 

He didn't even know what to do. Calling again to Rob seemed weird. He would though, later. Doing something 'normal' seemed so irrelevant. So instead he sat on his couch and crawled to a fetal position trying not to think. Or to think something else than the guitarist. But every time the thought lead back to him some how. After a while he drifted to a sleep.

 

He woke up hours later to his phone jingling again, different tune this time. 

 

He answered without looking even the caller ID. "Yup?"

 

Nothing. No words, no sounds. He frowned and turned to look at the screen, it was Brad.

 

"Brad? Are you okay?" he jumped up feeling his heart beat faster.

 

Still nothing. Just ear piercing silence.

 

"I'm coming there. Hold on", he ran to the door keeping the line open.

 

Shaking he drove the few minutes there was and ran inside. The whole house was dark. Even the porch light was off. He got inside fearing that maybe it had happened again. Then he realized that Brad shouldn't have even gotten alone to his place since the attacker wasn't caught. Fucking police, he thought wondering why the hell they didn't say anything.

 

When he got the door open he tried to flick the lights on but it didn't do anything. Using his phone he could get just enough light to search for the guitarist. And there he was. Sitting in the living room cross legged and staring at his hand that he had placed to his lap the other remaining in the sling.

 

"Brad? Are you... Fuck... Of course you're not fine. But... What happened?", the emcee gulped.

 

"I.... I don't..... I can't... I don't want to be here. Mike help me, please", the answer was something between sob and whisper his voice stretched.

 

The expression in his face was something Mike couldn't read exactly. It wasn't sad really. Just mixed panic, fear and desperation.

 

Mike approached him slowly trying not to do anything that could maybe scare him. "Come with me okay?"

 

The guitarist let Mike help him up and lead out from the house. Together they got into the car once again and now to drove back to Mike's. Just then Mike noticed that the items from pharmacy were still in the legroom of the shotgun seat. Brad didn't even take them with him, all the pain and anxiety meds the doctor prescribed. He bit his lip and backed up the car. Why?, he thought and kicked himself inwardly. Not why they were still there, but why it had happened and why Brad had to go through that shit.

 

The emcee helped the slouching man to the guest room and went to get a towel. Maybe he wanted to wash his face. Or something. When he got back Brad was still sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

"Do you... You should maybe sleep. It isn't late but... you need rest", he nodded. "I'll be just downstairs in the livingroom."

 

He glanced at the guitarist that was now staring at his hand again. Mike swallowed and turned around to leave. Then there was this tiny voice that he couldn't ignore. Tiny voice that was breaking and carried by this horrible tone of anguish.

 

"Don't leave me alone", the guitarist said.

 

Mike turned around and hesitated. He couldn't leave the other alone but then there were his feelings interfering that he couldn't ignore either. So he walked to the bed and sat next to the guitarist.

 

"Okay. But... You still should sleep", he sighed.

 

The other just shifted and laid on the bed now staring at the ceiling. Mike sighed again and reached to turn off the light and crawled next to him.

 

After a long silence he whispered. "You can tell me if you want. Like... even if you don't remember you can tell me how you feel."

 

Words never came out but then there was a skinny arm that wrapped slowly around his waist and next a head that pressed to his chest. Fuck, was the first thing he thought squeezing his eyes shut hoping that Brad wouldn't hear his pulse that felt like racing exponentially. He wanted to hold his breath. And wrap his own arm around Brad. And run. And also lean to kiss the other.

 

But instead he just remained silent trying to guide his thoughts again elsewhere not succeeding. When the guitarist finally started to breathe slower and the hand around him relaxed he fished his phone from his jeans back pocket and called Rob.

 

"He didn't want my help and went alone to his place. Then he panicked. Or something. Maybe I left some blood there. He called me not saying anything and I drive there as fast as I could. He was... well not harmed now but a mess", he blabbered after he heard the drummer answer.

 

"Shit. Okay... And then?", Rob mumbled.

 

Mike glanced down even though he couldn't really see the other in the darkness. "We drove back to my place. I said he should get some rest. He.... asked me not to leave him alone. What was I supposed to do?"

 

"Mike.... What happened?", Rob got nervous.

 

"He is sleeping next to me", Mike felt a tear escape the corner of his eye.

 

"Well that's not bad", the drummer answered.

 

"Hand around me. His head leaning on my chest, his beard tickling", Mike added hearing his voice break.

 

"Fuck... Mike.....", the drummer was half groaning half mumbling now.

 

"I know. But what I was supposed to do?", his voice was barely a whisper now.

 

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. This is a fucking mess and we really don't have tools to make it right", Rob sighed.

 

"I'll call again tomorrow. I just hope he sleeps well and isn't in pain", the emcee said.

 

"Okay", the other answered and they both hung up.

 

Mike put the phone away and inhaled trying to keep the tears at bay.

 

What was I supposed to do?

 

\------


	4. And your hope turns into fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, this chapter is sad and angsty too

\-------

 

Next day when Mike woke up he realized instantly where he was and what had happened. They had slept the rest of the day and also the whole night. Brad was still sound asleep. Mike shifted trying to get up so that the guitarist wouldn't wake up. He sat on the edge of the bed and glanced sighing at the other.

 

"Shit! Brad wake up!" he noticed suddenly that the shoulder was twisted.

 

The guitarist mumbled groggily when Mike pulled him to sit by his good arm.

 

"You were sleeping on your arm. The doctor said that you shouldn't move your shoulder and...", Mike grabbed the arm trying to adjust is gently.

 

"Stop! Don't touch me!", Brad screamed which startled the other.

 

Mike stared at him not believing the words. It hurt. Not like he thought that the married man would suddenly start liking him even when he had slept on Mike's arms, but his voice was really angry.

 

The half Asian sighed and took a step closer carefully. "Hey. I have to. You heard what the doctor said. I will just adjust the sling and then take my hand off of you, okay?"

 

Brad stared at him his eyes still having the shade that Mike wasn't used to see but then the relieving nod came and Mike exhaled and did what he needed to do.

 

"Sorry I woke you up. You can get back to sleep. I will call the boys and make some breakfast", Mike mumbled backing up.

 

He waited for Brad to say something but when no words came he grabbed his phone and got to the kitchen leaving the door open anyway. Once he was in the kitchen he just somehow forgot what he was supposed to do. Groaning he leaned to his hands and squatted down to the floor. After he had gotten his breathing steady he got the phone and called Rob. He would know what to do, he always has.

 

"Morning. Sorry, I hope I didn't wake you up", he mumbled.

 

"No you didn't. How is he?", Rob answered.

 

"Well... He slept on the arm. The shoulder was weirdly twisted and I don't think it he was supposed to get it like that. I don't know... Could you call the doctor maybe? To ask was it bad bad, or just bad?", Mike stood finally up and started to pick random items from the fridge.

 

"Mike I know you too well... I can hear that isn't all", Rob cleared his throat at the other end of the line.

 

"Shit... When I woke him up and tried to adjust the sling he yelled me to stop and not to touch him", he answered tossing a cream cheese on the table.

 

"Damn. Okay... We just need to.... He needs time. We still don't know what happened", the drummer sighed.

 

"Yeah well... Maybe. But I don't know about him. Elisa is coming back tomorrow", Mike was satisfied with the breakfast items and started to make some coffee.

 

"That too... I think we need to have a band meeting today. Don't you think? If I call the boys we could come there", Rob said.

 

"Okay. We need to postpone the start of the tour. Oh my god my head is exploding... Too much to think", the emcee groaned.

 

"Don't think too much. We are all in this mess together. I'll make the call. Just... Keep him comfortable. You can do that, I know you can", the other answered and closed the line.

 

"Yeah, together", Mike mumbled thinking about his secret.

 

He shook his head and waited the coffee to get ready before pouring it to his cup. He didn't know what to do next. Was he supposed to wait for Brad to come there? Was he still sleeping? Or was he supposed to go and say that breakfast was done? Sipping the steaming liquid he walked to the guest room almost on his tip toes trying not to make the other uncomfortable or scare him. Brad was sitting on the bed staring again his hand that wasn't in the cast.

 

"Hey. There is some breakfast. I thought you would sleep more. Do you... Would you like to eat?", he asked getting a shook for a respond.

 

"Okay... Uhm... Well the boys are coming later. Would you like to have a shower maybe?", the half Asian mumbled.

 

Brad stopped to think, apparently, since he didn't answer in a while but then gave a small nod. Great, Mike thought, Why did I suggest a shower?!

 

"Okay... I don't have your clothes obviously here but you can borrow mine. I'm gonna get some tape and plastic bag so we can cover the cast", he mumbled and went to fetch the items from the kitchen.

 

Brad haven't moved an inch when he got back. Slowly peeling the sling off Mike draw his lips to a thin line. He wanted to help. But this was so freaking awkward and he was still scared that Brad wouldn't get better. Few months for the arm but how about for the head? Was there a time that people normally would heal from such horrible encounter. What had happened, that he really would want to know.

 

"You know I have to undress you? It's weird that.... but... let's just wash you fast okay?", Mike told him trying to get his voice steady not really knowing how he handled it when he had gotten the plastic bag on its place and they had walked to the bathroom.

 

Brad nodded slightly not looking him in the eyes. Mike sighed helping the shirt off and then getting to the pants. He couldn't believe this. Here he was undressing his best friend that he loved secretly. Which he had dreamed to do so many times. But now it just was awkward. And heartbreaking.

 

After rolling his pant legs up he helped the guitarist in the shower and turned the water on adjusting the temperature. Kicking himself inwardly he poured some shower gel to his own hand and some to Brad's good one and together they washed him.

 

"I think... I need to do your hair. So... Sit on the stool for me okay?", he pushed a stool next to the guitarist when he had rinsed the soap off.

 

Brad glanced at the stool and sat then on it, again not saying anything. Mike took the shampoo from the shelf and wondered how was he supposed to do. He shook his head and lathered the product between his palms before bringing it to Brad's hair. Guess you do it same way as you would wash your own hair, he thought.

 

Biting his lip he sighed again. "Could you turn around and then tilt your head back? I don't want that you get the stuff in your eyes."

 

The other obeyed. And only the Mike finally saw where the blood had really came. He remembered the talk about the wounds but now he saw why the blood amount had been so big in the house. The guitarist had several long gashes across his back most crisscrossing, some not. And stitches. Lots and lots of stitches. He couldn't even count them. Not that he would even want to.

 

When he had thought that broken arm and nose were bad. But this... This was horrible. He couldn't comprehend why would anyone do something like that. And Brad... He was totally innocent. Probably fly was the biggest thing he had ever hurt. The squeeze on his heart was getting unbearable and he wanted to run. Like running would even help. There was no freaking way out of this mess and he knew it.

 

So instead of breaking down he swallowed his tears and finished what he was supposed to do. All the time his eyes wandered back to the angry looking wounds that would leave terrible scars even though he tried to keep his eyes off of the.

 

"Brad... The wounds were supposed to be... well they should have had bandages", he mumbled when he was finished rinsing the hair.

 

No answer. Which wasn't even a surprise. He picked up a towel and brought it around the other. "I'll get the bandages and stuff. We still need to clean them."

 

He tried to be as quick as he could like the guitarist would disappear in the meantime, but once again Brad hadn't moved an inch.

 

Biting his lip Mike spread the items next to the sink and felt overwhelmed. Same time he wanted to be somewhere else, and to somebody else to do this. It was killing him. But he also knew he had to do it. That's what friends do. But the piece in his throat was just growing. Peeling the plastic bag around the cast and checking that it hadn't got wet he was ready to clean up the wounds.

 

Once finished he helped the guitarist to his bedroom and dug up the most comfortable clothes he could possible have. Not just loose ones, but also softest material. The long sleeved shirt hung on Brad visibly too large but at least it didn't have dried up blood on it. Next he helped him to grey sweatpants and pulled the strings tight so that the pants wouldn't fall down.

 

"Now the breakfast before the others are here", he sighed and again guided Brad further.

 

The guitarist seemed reluctant. Like he was unsure what was he supposed to do. Mike poured him coffee glad that he had used a thermos, the liquid was still hot. Then he remembered the sling and got back to the guest room to fetch it. And there were the bandages. A pile next to the bed. Apparently Brad had tore them off during the night. He picked them up too and walked back to the kitchen. After tossing them to the trash and helping Brad's arm to the sling he finally sat down.

 

And Brad just sit frozen and the coffee remained untouched. Mike was ready to scream. This wasn't what his friend was, what he had been. The happy always joking and sarcastic Brad had to be there still. Somewhere deep inside. He needed, he had to help him to dig it out.

 

"Hey... Try to eat something okay? If you don't like any of these I can find something else. But please. You won't... get better if you don't get any energy", he tried to smile.

 

Frankly he didn't have any appetite either. But he knew Brad needed to eat, more than himself. Brad glanced briefly him like wondering something and picked up then a dry bagel starting to chew it slowly. Mike still felt like he was going to burst into tears or start to scream. This isn't how it was supposed to go, he thought. They ate in silence, Mike his bagel with cream cheese and Brad his without.

 

Finally the door bell rang and Mike was so relieved that he didn't need to be alone with the guitarist anymore. He went to open the door and gestured everybody in.

 

"Let's sit on the couch okay?", he spoke softly to Brad who as a surprise took his coffee cup with him leaving the half eaten bagel on the table.

 

"How are you?", Dave spoke first to the guitarist who had sat down to the corner of the couch pulling his legs to his chest.

 

They all stared at him but he kept his eyes on the coffee. 

 

Mike sighed and sat down next to him. "I don't think he feels like talking. He wanted to get a shower and I cleaned up the wounds too. There are some sedatives and pain meds but... I don't know does he want any."

 

Dave nodded weirded out that Brad wasn't talking. "Okay."

 

"So what do we do? He can't play in a while right?", Joe asked staring at the cast.

 

"We need to postpone the shows. But problem is we don't know how long does the recovery take. And we would still need to make the announcement as soon as possible. The gossips have already started and we would want to tackle them right away", the singer said sitting opposite side of the table to Mike's favorite chair.

 

Mike froze when he felt Brad's head drop on his shoulder. None of the others found it awkward cause they didn't know how it would even be. Except Rob. He noticed instantly Mike's behavior change. The emcee tried to remain calm even though his heart was apparently beating out of his chest.bWhen the scent of his own shampoo filled his nostrils he dropped his gaze and held his breath feeling Rob staring at him.

 

"So.. If we give one week, would that be enough?", Rob asked trying to focus on the problem.

 

Chester sighed. "No, I think that's too long. Should we just cancel all in February? I can make the calls to the management. They probably have some advices how to handle the press too."

 

"And see if... he is ready then or should we cancel more?", Dave asked staring at the guitarist who didn't say anything.

 

"You do realize that you all are talking about the hand right? After he gets the cats off there is still recovery. And even then it is still the hand. What if he isn't ready to get back up on the stage? What if he doesn't want to?", Mike mumbled.

 

They all stared at him like he was crazy. None of them had even thought about that possibility.

 

"Right.... Shit. Well Elisa is coming back tomorrow. So maybe she can help him to recover", Joe sighed.

 

That hurt like thousand needles and Mike was just about to object when the crashing coffee cup draw his attention away. Brad had dropped his cup and it crashed on the floor splashing the coffee all over. And he was shaking.

 

Dave got up instantly to get something to wipe the coffee from the floor and clean up the shards. Joe wondered had he said something wrong and Mike was panicking.

 

"Brad, are you okay?", he whispered when the guitarist didn't stop shaking and was breathing heavily.

 

"I don't want to go back there", the voice was barely a whisper but stunned everyone.

 

Not only cause of what Brad said but that he spoke. It was the first words many of them heard the guitarist say.

 

"Brad you... That's your home. She would want you to go back home", Dave mumbled.

 

The guitarist shook his head violently and started to sob in panic clinging to Mike almost crawling to his lap trying to get as close to as possible. Mike was trying to stay calm while the drummer stared at the eyes widened.

 

"It's fine okay? You don't have to do anything", Mike whispered to his ear stroking his shoulder carefully.

 

"God... He is a mess", Joe mumbled.

 

"Shut up", Rob glared at him before Mike got a chance to react.

 

Chester rubbed his temples. He knew this situation was bad. They all knew it. But he also guessed that the recovery would be way longer than they wanted.

 

"Mike you talked about wounds. And Rob told me you went to clean up the house and there was lots of blood. Care to fill us in?", Dave tilted his head wondering.

 

The emcee stopped to think how would he put it in words without insulting the guitarist or making him feel worse. "He has several wounds in his back. They are deep. And have countless stitches. I don't know who would be so cruel to do that but I would think some kind of knife was used. Maybe, dunno. That's where the blood came I believe."

 

They all glanced at each other trying to read the emotions from their expressions.

 

"And the police doesn't know who did it?", Joe asked arching his brow.

 

Mike shook his head. "No leads. If he doesn't... remember, then..."

 

Then he felt like he couldn't deal with it anymore and the tears were about to fall. "I... just... I'll be back soon."

 

He stood up and ran to his bedroom collapsing on a corner. Hitting his forehead with his fist he let the tears roll down his cheeks. Rob had ran after him and suddenly there were strong arms around him squeezing.

 

"I don't want this! He isn't supposed to be that wreck! He... ", he bawled to Rob's shoulder who hushed him.

 

"He will get better. You know that", the drummer spoke softly pulling his lips to a tight line. It hurt so much to see two of his friends in that state.

 

Mike shook his head. "But what if he doesn't? The arm will... The wounds. Oh my god, he will have horrible scars.. They will heal too but... he doesn't even talk. How are we supposed to... How am I supposed to help when he doesn't talk. I can't deal with it. I want him to get back to the same person he was before..."

 

"It takes time, you know that too. You just have to cope. I really don't have any other words for it", Rob sighed.

 

Mike sobbed trying to get his thoughts and emotions back in order and his breathing steady. Fuck, his mind was screaming. It wasn't getting better anytime soon but he had to keep himself calm and collected.

 

"So let's get back okay?", Rob helped him up to his feet staring at his miserable friend.

 

Mike nodded wiping his face and hoping the tear stains wouldn't be that obvious. Sure he had a reason to break down, but he couldn't keep doing it or the others would get suspicious. They walked back to the living room and Mike's heart stopped when he saw Brad's eyes. He looked really scared, eyes wide open.

 

"What happened?", Mike frowned when he sat down and the guitarist cling again to him like to a last straw.

 

"Joe tried to act like a cop and questioned him", Chester glared at the deejay angrily.

 

"Well he has to try to remember!", Joe tried to defend himself.

 

"Joe, screw you. It has been only few day. He doesn't need to do anything", Mike growled.

 

The deejay crossed his arms on his chest now moping. He sure wanted only to help but didn't do it right.

 

"We will leave you two alone now. Seems like he is most comfortable with you and I believe you can help him to recover in a way we... well I don't think we can do what you are doing. You two have some magical bond", Chested smiled.

 

Rob bit his lip feeling so weird that he knew something the others didn't. Mike nodded rubbing the back of Brad's neck feeling him almost purr in his arms.

 

"Okay. Call the management and ask what we should do with the press. Maybe release a statement before the rumors go too wild. I haven't even been to the social media yet, so I don't...", he shrugged.

 

The singer shook his head while they approached the door. "Then don't. Really. Not before the statement at least. It has been really wild and that isn't even the worst it could be."

 

Mike sighed hoping that they could get ahead the rumors. People could be so mean.

 

"I'll call you later, okay? Hang on there", Rob whispered smiling softly and closed the door behind them.

 

"Quite a talk huh? What would you like to do now?", Mike decided to try other approach.

 

Brad seemed like he was about to say something but then didn't. Which Mike felt like was a good sign.

 

"Would it be okay if I open the TV? You can stay there if you want, but I kinda need my arm to reach the remote", the half Asian asked when the guitarist didn't move but now the arm slowly relaxed around him and pulled away.

 

Brad watched him closely the whole time not moving further away. Once Mike got the TV open and relaxed he crawled to a fetal position letting his head fall to Mike's lap and gripping his thigh with his good hand. Mike chewed his bottom lip feeling the thoughts spin in his head.

 

"You know we will get through this... And I'm not going anywhere", Mike mumbled wiping the tear escaping the corner of his eye glad that the guitarist wouldn't see him.

 

But then he felt the fabric on his pants get wet. Brad was crying too.

 

\------


	5. Pretending I don't feel misplaced

\------

 

Rest of the day had went just like that. Mike watching TV trying so hard to not to check the social media. He didn't even want to see his phone and all the tags. Brad weeping on his lap and then falling to a restless sleep. Later Mike had ordered some food and even though Brad did eat only half of his portion Mike was so happy that he even did eat that much. It was more than nothing anyway.

 

Then they had gone to sleep. And cause Mike had a feeling that the last night wasn't an exception he helped Brad to his bedroom. What used to be his and Anna's bedroom. Just cause the bed was bigger than in the guest room and he wanted to avoid it happening again. Not that he wouldn't want Brad to wrap his arm around him and snuggle to his lap. But it was wrong. Deep down inside he knew it. Besides the shoulder shouldn't be bended. Rob had called to the doctor and texted then back to him that moving the shoulder would just cause more pain and prolong the healing process.

 

So when Mike woke up the next morning and felt the warm thin body pressed to his and his own arm around the other he sighed heavily. This isn't good. This isn't good at all, he thought. He was glad that Elisa would come back today. Cause then he wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. Well he would but at least he could do it in small doses and escape then to cry in his bed. Alone.

 

He pulled his arm away and rolled to the other side of the bed to sit on the edge. Normal daily routines waited and he was already sick of it all. Glancing around his shoulder to the still sleeping guitarist he stood and walked to the kitchen to prepare the breakfast. Then he would wake up Brad and make yet again another call to Rob.

 

Toast, spreads, ham, cheese. And coffee. The table looked decent even though he noticed that he would need to do some grocery shopping. Then he walked back to wake up the other. His heart started to thud quicker when he approached Brad. He could have never thought that loving someone would be so unbearable. It was crushing him. But Brad looked so peaceful. So calm and relaxed.

 

"Hey. Breakfast is ready", the emcee patted his leg carefully.

 

Brad opened his eyes just staring at him first, not moving. Then he got up to sit on the bed like some kind of a machine. But staring at Mike still. Which startled Mike. Yesterday the guitarist had stared mostly his hand or the floor. Now the beautiful brown eyes were looking at him same time confused and sad and same time like he had realized something.

 

"Brad. Are you okay?", Mike mumbled feeling uncomfortable.

 

The guitarist turned his gaze to his hand and nodded then standing up. Mike thought he saw a smile tug Brad's lip but it was so brief moment that he thought he must have imagined it. The guitarist followed him to the kitchen sitting down at the table. Mike poured the coffee to their mugs and got then the phone from the table.

 

"How is he today?", Rob answered the phone.

 

"Dunno. What about the statement? Did the management say anything about it?", Mike didn't want to talk about the guitarist when he was just across the table.

 

"I guess shouldn't be so surprised that you haven't seen it yet when we just told you not to go to social media but it's still weird. Yeah... It's there. Published. Just some hours ago", the drummer sighed.

 

"What's with the sigh?", Mike frowned and sipped his coffee.

 

"Just that. People can be so freaking mean. And the rumors... More rumors really. Just different kinds that we would have gotten without the statement. But don't worry. He won't see them, right? Not yet at least. And really... we shouldn't have even expected anything more. But it will all be forgotten later", Rob explained.

 

"Right. Yeah... Okay", the emcee mumbled looking at the guitarist who ate in silence.

 

"So. Chester talked with Elisa. She will come and pick Brad up later. He explained the situation to her so you don't need to do it. But I'm coming with Chester there anyway before she comes. You know I couldn't explain to him why I want to be there and he insisted to be there too. But you shouldn't really think about it. We all know it is inevitable", Rob told him while he continued to stare at the guitarist.

 

"Fuck. Okay. Guess I need to... prepare myself. See you then later?", Mike rubbed the bridge of his nose more than annoyed by the whole situation.

 

"Yup", Rob answered before he hung up.

 

"How is the coffee today?", Mike asked from the guitarist who had eaten half a toast and was now drinking the coffee.

 

But he didn't really expect the other to answer. Still the slight nod was a welcome surprise. Mike nodded back getting a careful glance in return. Now he just needed to guide his thoughts to another direction and wait for the inevitable happen. He picked up his phone again and breathing out heavily he searched the statement.

 

"With great sadness we will be announcing that all of our February shows will be postponed to future. Our guitarist was involved in an incident and is focusing now to his own health. We are optimistic that he will recover quickly and is soon able to play. For now we are grateful for all the support and love and will be updating when we know more."

 

That's bullshit, Mike thought. They did even more crappier job than he thought they would have. He scrolled down to the comment section to get an idea what the drummer was talking about.

 

"Incident? That can literally mean anything." Sure it can...

 

"And....? Is Brad hurt? Like, really? Apparently yes if they talk about health." Yes, ffs!

 

"But that could mean something else too right?" ....

 

"So he can't play? What does that mean? Sounds really like an excuse to me. Are they breaking up?" O.o

 

"We all know these rock stars. Probably an overdose or something like that." What the fuck?!

 

"For me I thought first an car accident." Well it wasn't.

 

"Does if really even matter what happened? They have all of our support anyway. Right?" Aaaww...

 

"But where is Mikeeeeee? He hasn't said a single word anywhere in days. I just double checked his Twitter. Nothing!" Cause I don't want to!

 

"Dude, I think this statement is just enough. Let them... do what ever they do now so that Brad can heal and play." Thank you....

 

"We can all speculate as much as we want but it really doesn't matter. They will tell what happened in the future if they want." Yeah!

 

"This is the management talking. I wish some of the guys would post something." Argh.

 

"Well I would want to know is it really only February or longer. I already bought tickets." We don't know yet either!

 

And then he couldn't take it anymore. Those were only the first comments he saw. Brad was staring at him and he sighed.

 

"You know we had to release a statement why we are canceling shows. I just read it to see what they wrote. It's... I wish they would have done it differently but really no matter what they would have written... it wouldn't have changed anything. So.. Guess I need to post something too", the emcee groaned looking at the other who dropped his gaze back to his coffee mug.

 

Mike bit his lip and knew that even this, his own words, would be twisted, split and destroyed. So instead of writing a long post he tried to use as few words as possible.

 

"Brad is being taken good care off and he appreciates all the love. He needs time so we ask people to respect it too", he started but then wondered was that lying.

 

He glanced at the guitarist. And posted it. He was living in a lie already so bending the truth little bit in this kind of situation wouldn't even be that bad. It took only few seconds for the first answers to appear but he tossed his phone aside and stood up to get more coffee. He had now said what he needed and didn't care about the answers.

 

"I really wish you would talk. Even something. Anything", Mike sighed when he sat back down.

 

Brad turned his gaze to him just for a little while and shook then his head.

 

"I can't make you. But I am here if you want to. I will listen, okay?", he tried to smile a little.

 

He certainly didn't feel like smiling. The whole situation was so desperate. Would he even want to know what happened? If it caused the guitarist to shut down like this it must have been something horrible. But if he would know he could try to help.

 

"You can go watch TV if you don't want to eat anymore. I clean up", he mumbled.

 

Brad stood up instantly and walked to the living room and sat on the grey couch. Again Mike had to fight the tears back. He just couldn't see a way out of this mess. It hurt to see his friend so hurt. Quickly he cleaned up the table tossing stuff back to the fridge and then wiping the surface from the breadcrumbs. Something to make the time pass quicker.

 

Then he walked to the living room too and sat on the couch. His mind was a whirlwind and knowing it wouldn't calm down soon he sighed again. Lots of sighing, he thought. Brad had just sat down there, staring at the TV screen. Which wasn't even on. The emcee opened the device and draw his knees to his chest.

 

"You okay?", he whispered.

 

Brad glanced at him like he was trying to say something with his eyes but Mike couldn't quite put his finger on it. The look was brief and Brad turned soon his eyes back to the TV screen. After a while Mike felt the cushion move and then the guitarist was next to him leaning his head to his shoulder. He didn't even dare to turn his head. This was anyway the last time for a while that he could enjoy this. Or was it even enjoying when his heart was same time trying to beat out of his chest and the piece in his throat was getting bigger.

 

But like that they stayed until the doorbell rang hours later. Mike stood up to open the door while the other kept staring at the TV. Chester and Rob got in and Mike could see Chester was slightly annoyed.

 

"It wasn't really a smart move to post about him", the singer raised his brow.

 

"I had to do it. The statement was bullshit, you saw it. And I only saw small percentage of the comments but even in those people were saying weird stuff. Like when have we even acted like rockstars anyway?", Mike rolled his eyes.

 

Rob tilted his head and glanced at the guitarist. "I don't think it was that bad. And since Mike is so active on social media normally it would have been weird if he wouldn't have said anything."

 

"Fine. How is he?", Chester mumbled.

 

"Same. He ate a little bit and had his coffee but doesn't talk. I tried to reassure him but don't know did it help", the emcee shrugged. "And I told him about the statement, but didn't read it to him."

 

The doorbell rang again and Mike's heart skipped a beat. Now I just have to get used to being alone again, he thought while he walked to open the door for Elisa.

 

She looked scared. And confused, but mostly scared. Stepping in she glanced at them all briefly before her eyes settled down to her husband. Swallowing hard she walked to the couch and sat beside the guitarist. Brad was still staring at the TV screen.

 

"Hey. I have heard it all. What... they know. So... How are you? I'm so sorry I couldn't come before. I missed you so much", she pulled him to a hug.

 

Brad went totally stiff and didn't hug back. But Mike noticed he was chewing his lip thinking something furiously. Rob glanced at the emcee who didn't know should he do something or not. Mike had sat down on the other edge of the couch than the guitarist trying to avoid any awkwardness.

 

"Talk to me please?", Elisa pleaded releasing the guitarist from the hug.

 

The silence was deafening. Brad didn't say anything and the others just waited.

 

"He doesn't talk", Mike muttered finally.

 

Elisa turned his gaze to him. "At all?"

 

"Well... He has said few words but won't talk if asked", the emcee sighed.

 

"Okay... That's... Well I think we are leaving now. I'll try to talk him", the woman stood up and grabbed Brad's hand.

 

The guitarist winced and pulled his hand away. He looked so hurt and disappointed that Mike couldn't believe his eyes. That's his wife, he thought trying not to frown.

 

"Brad we are going home okay? You can't stay here", Elisa grabbed the hand again but his voice was getting angry.

 

Chester arched his brow when the guitarist pulled his hand away fiercely and leaped to the other side of the couch next to Mike clinging to him. He was shaking his head over and over again trying to swallow the tears that just keep coming.

 

Elisa stood up yelling but Mike wasn't focusing to him. He knew Chester and Rob would handle the talking.

 

"Hey calm down okay?", Mike mumbled to Brad's ear.

 

Brad was sobbing and trembling now having hard time to breathe. "I don't... I want to stay. I want to stay here. I can't go back there. Please don't make me."

 

That was the longest he had talked after the attack. Rob heard it and was now staring at them.

 

"Hey. He doesn't want to go. We can't force him. Maybe... He needs some time before he can go back", Rob sighed stopping Elisa's yelling.

 

Elisa stomped his feed frustrated and turned to face the two sitting in the couch. Brad was practically sitting in Mike's lap clinging to him and all this was all too déjà vu for Mike.

 

"Guess I.... Are you okay with that?", the woman mumbled looking now at the emcee.

 

Mike really wanted to scream her to get out if his house and leave them alone. Not only cause he loved Brad but cause she had caused Brad to panic. Instead he tried to remain calm and glanced at the guitarist.

 

"Of course. We can't make him go if he isn't comfortable with it. He can stay here as long as he needs", Mike mumbled.

 

Elisa sighed rubbing his neck. "Okay. If that's what he needs then that's what we are doing."

 

She got closer to them carefully, like her movements would have caused the guitarist panic again. 

 

Then she kneeled in front of them and touched Brad's leg. "Hey. I'll leave now but...."

 

Brad wasn't having it. He gasped trying to get away from her. "Don't touch me."

 

Rob dropped his head feeling defeated. He felt that this was only a bad thing even if it could help the guitarist recover. Even if it would help the guitarist it might destroy his relationship to his wife. Or to Mike.

 

Elisa stood up wiping a lonely tear away and glanced once again the guitarist but directing her words to Mike. "I'll leave now. Please call me okay?"

 

The emcee nodded slightly. He had to, but he didn't want to call her. That way he was just pushing the guitarist away. But he couldn't even keep him. She left leaving them.

 

"What now?" Chester sighed.

 

"You two leave and we two keep staring at the at the TV. I don't really see nothing else there is to do", Mike nodded.

 

"Yeah... Damn. Keep doing what you are doing. Guess it helps if he didn't want to leave", the singer answered. He was seriously worried for both of them.

 

Rob bit his lip once again feeling awkward. And seeing his friend clinging to his another friend that was loving him... Shit this is so freaking weird, he thought.

 

"Well, we are going. Hang on there", he mumbled guiding the singer out from the house.

 

"So here we are. Again alone. Just the two of us", Mike whispered mostly to himself.

 

Brad shifted slightly sighing deeply. "Thank you."

 

Shit.

 

\-------


	6. Tell me what I've gotta do

\-----

 

"Sorry I am waking you up. After last night the social media really went crazy. It wouldn't be a problem otherwise but now Elisa wants to give her own statement. I don't know what and why, but she has been bugging me whole morning. She wanted to call you and talk with Brad but I didn't give your phone number. I said he needs rest. But... I can't prevent her from not giving a statement", Rob told after Mike had answered the phone grumpily.

 

"That bitch...She saw him yesterday! Why would she be so stupid to think that he would talk to her now", Mike muttered rubbing his eyes.

 

"Stop it. You know she is just worried. And cause she can read the comments but not answer... Well you did it yourself too!", the drummer sighed.

 

Mike groaned in frustration and got up to do the morning chores. Brad was still sleeping. Again, in his bed. He couldn't chase him away. Didn't want to. Of course he wanted to sleep with the man he loved. But now, it wasn't even that. He he knew that Brad couldn't sleep alone. He wouldn't force him. Not when there was a stream of salty tears falling from his pretty eyes begging him to not to leave him.

 

"So what do you suggest?", he asked.

 

"Well, we will let her. But not yet. We could only make her shut her mouth by scaring with legal actions. So maybe ask if she could wait. Let the dust settle and hopefully Brad get tiny bit better. And then that could be given instead of our next statement. Which... well the management said that we should update his recovery. Especially if he doesn't start to talk. Which leads me to the next problem. The management wants us to give interview. At least one. Not yet but in following week or two. They said it would be best to reassure the fans that we are doing fine. That he is recovering", the drummer continued.

 

"Fuck that. I can't talk with the press when he is in that condition. I will just break down in tears eventually", Mike laughed sarcastically.

 

"In few weeks, Mike. Not now. If you don't want to Chester can do it too. I really dislike this all but we need to think about the fans, not the media that just wants to write a good story. The fans miss him, us. They are worried. Only thing they know now was that something happened and he can't play. That is a huge blank hole", Rob continued.

 

"Jeez... Okay. We'll see it then. But for now... I don't even know what I should do next. Now I am making breakfast and then I again watch him eat next to nothing. And not talk. How am I supposed to do that for... we don't even know how long! I want to help but I don't know how. I don't even know where to start when there is nothing to grasp on to! And in the meantime the attacker is out there. Fuck!" he wailed desperately.

 

"I can't help you with that. Wish I could. Somehow even what you are doing now is helping him. And honestly... I wish you two wouldn't have that kind of connection. Cause I can already see this ending up badly. If he recovers to as he used to be", Rob mumbled.

 

"Don't say that! He will! I know he will! This is just... I don't even know what the fuck this is. I don't really want it anymore than you do either. Cause every hour I spend with him, here, like this, makes it harder for me to forget that I love him and move on. And yes we slept in same bed again. I can't force him to sleep alone. The way he stares at me... It breaks my heart. His eyes are so filled with sorrow and desperation. I can't do it. When he falls asleep I can finally sleep too", the half Asian told trying not to break down.

 

"I know Mike, I know. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple", Rob sighed.

 

"Did you just... quote my own song for me?", the emcee chuckled gloomily.

 

"I think I did. Even though Talking To Myself suits way better to this", the other answered rolling his eyes on the other end of the line.

 

"Yeah... Shit, the new album. If we get through this I don't know even how are we going to able tour and all that", Mike sighed and turned around almost dropping his coffee cup.

 

Brad was standing in the doorway staring at him. Mike couldn't read him. After the attack he had been able to read Brad only occasionally. Some emotions here and there, but that was pretty much it.

 

"Mike?", Rob reminded him that they had been talking in phone.

 

"Uhm... Yeah. Brad woke up so I think I need to finish the breakfast", the emcee mumbled.

 

"Shit. Don't tell me he heard the talk", the other groaned.

 

"I wouldn't know. I really hope not", Mike gulped.

 

How could he know how long the guitarist had stood there when he had been so focused on the talk? Idiot, he kicked himself inwardly.

 

"Well... Call me later okay. If you are fine with it I'll talk with Elisa. She will probably call again soon", the other sighed.

 

"Yeah", Mike mumbled and closed the line.

 

"Hey. Did you sleep well? I need to do some grocery shopping today. Would you like to stay here or come with me? It shouldn't take long", Mike blabbered trying to direct his thoughts and possibly Brad's elsewhere. He didn't want to even think about the possibility that Brad heard the conversation.

 

The guitarist shrugged and sat in front of the table looking at Mike who poured coffee in his cup.

 

"I would rather let you stay here if you don't mind. If someone sees you, it could cause issues", the emcee sat down too.

 

Brad nodded sipping his coffee. And once again Mike watched him eat half of a toast and stop there. He wondered should he try something else to help the other eat more.

 

"I was thinking. You know this is hard for me to help you as best I can cause you don't talk. But I think you need shower soon again and same time we could check up the wounds. I don't mind you using my clothes but if you want I can pick up some of yours when I get the groceries", Mike said carefully studying Brad's features.

 

He didn't assume the other to answer. Not really. So when the words came out he froze.

 

"I like them", the guitarist said staring in his coffee cup.

 

"Oh... My clothes you mean?", Mike breathed.

 

Brad nodded and Mike saw a brief smile appear on his lips.

 

"Okay. Can I... could I ask why you don't want to go back to your house? She... is really worried and would like you to be there", he tried. He knew the other was most likely done with the talking but trying was all he could do.

 

The guitarist bit his lip obviously thinking something furiously. Mike turned his gaze down to his toast and sighed inwardly. But Brad surprised him again.

 

"Memories", he whispered suddenly startling Mike.

 

"You remember something?", he asked.

 

Brad shrugged and got back to his coffee.

 

"Or... Are you afraid that you will remember something?", Mike whispered.

 

Brad gasped and nodded staring at the table. Mike sighed feeling again the familiar desperation raise his head. He knew that Brad remembering something was the only key for them to figure out what had happened. But if Brad was afraid to remember that would just be way harder.

 

"So. I am leaving to get the groceries. You know how to use the remote and there's more coffee. Call me if you need anything, but I won't take long. Your phone is probably on mute still", the half Asian said after a while pointing at Brad's phone on a side table. He wasn't in hurry but it was his emotions that were forcing him to escape.

 

Brad nodded walking to the couch with his coffee. Mike tossed a fleece blanket on the couch hoping that the guitarist would use it if he was cold. He had noticed the other was getting thinner and he wouldn't even really have weight to loose from. After he had made sure everything was fine he left. Leaving soon meant he would be home soon.

 

He drove to the closest shop he knew and felt almost paranoid checking his surroundings. Like he would get tackled by some crazy fans. Not knowing what he should really buy he just tried to get this and that. And remember what the guitarist normally liked to eat. After he was even remotely satisfied with what he had gathered he headed to the cashiers and quickly back to his car. He checked his phone once more but there were no calls or messages. Only notifications from social media. So he rushed back home. Like the hour and a half that he was away was day or something.

 

"Hey, hope I didn't take too long", he said when he got in.

 

Brad was sitting in exact same spot but now wrapped in the blanked. He glanced at Mike and shook his head slowly. Mike sighed from relief and walked to the fridge to empty the bags.

 

"So, what now? Would you like to go to the shower?", Mike mumbled.

 

Brad tilted his head and nodded then carefully. Lots of nodding today, Mike thought.

 

"And... If there is something else you want to do... tell me. Someway. Cause staring at the TV isn't really... Maybe a game? Like something with cards. Or with the Playstation? Anyway... I'll get some clothes for you. And the plastic bag for the cast", Mike blabbered again not feeling comfortable.

 

Brad let his eyes follow Mike when he disappeared to the other room and then back when he came with the clothes. He gestured with a smile that he was ready and Brad followed him to the bathroom. Mike helped again the sling off carefully and then the clothes. Then he placed the plastic bag to cover up the cast and started to carefully peel up the wound dressing. No matter how hard he tried he still cringed at the sight. It's not like the wounds would have disappeared. Brad stood still and let him help. Then the emcee gestured him to the shower cubicle and Brad watched him to turn the water on and search a comfortable temperature.

 

Mike was already used to the other being quiet but same time letting him help. He was more like conforming to all that Mike did. Together they again washed his body before Mike placed the stool for him to sit and washed again his hair. He couldn't lie that he didn't like that. All the other stuff was weird and uncomfortable but washing Brad's short curls felt good. And somehow the guitarist seemed to like it too. Mike could feel he had relaxed and was leaning on his hands. But he wasn't expecting the low hum he heard.

 

Trying to keep himself together he grabbed the shower head and washed the white foam from Brad's hair and body checking same time that the wounds looked normal. Biting his lip he made sure all the soap was gone before he closed the stream and got a towel. He wrapped the guitarist to it and peeled the plastic bag from the cast. Then he noticed tiny red marks just above the cast on the inner side of the arm.

 

"Brad... These weren't there before. Have you scratched yourself?", he said frowning.

 

The guitarist raised his head staring with those eyes that were so utterly sad and confused.

 

"It hurts", he breathed.

 

"What hurts? The arm?", Mike bit his lip.

 

Brad nodded turning his head away.

 

"Brad no. This isn't okay. You can't... If you are hurting you have to tell me! I don't care if you drag me to the pills from my ear or what if you don't want to say it out loud, but you don't have to suffer. From now on the pills stay on the kitchen table and if you are hurting you make me know it. Poke me, kick me, slap me, punch me... I don't care! I don't want you to be in pain", the half Asian needed all of his willpower not to break in tears.

 

"Are you in pain now?", he continued after he had calmed himself down.

 

Brad shook his head. Mike sighed knowing he would need to make a call for the drummer again. He could almost hear Rob getting frustrated too.

 

"Good. Now I need to see the nose and lip, okay? Let's clean them up too. The instructions said that the lip could get infected more easily but sure since the cuts are so... ", he started but stopped then. Brad didn't need to hear how deep the cuts were.

 

He picked up the disinfectant and gauze and poured some of the liquid to it. Brad stared at him straight into his eyes again waiting. Starting with the nose he made sure he got the disinfectant properly to the wound. Then he stopped to study it for a while before getting to the lip. The color under Brad's eyes has started to fade to yellow from some parts most of it still remaining purple. Sighing he changed the gauze and poured more of the liquid to it and placed it on the lip. The wince that emitted from Brad's mouth felt like someone was squeezing his heart.

 

"Sorry", he whispered but made sure he had cleaned the wound properly before stopping and placing the items next to the sink.

 

"Okay. Now new dressing to the wounds and then we will get clothes on you", he nodded reassuring the other.

 

Brad's eyes followed him until he disappeared behind his back. Mike made sure the adhesive got stuck and stepped then back to grab the clothes. Brad stood up when Mike started to unfold the pants and again just acted like a robot. Mike shook his head when the tightened the strings on the waist and picked up then a green long sleeved shirt. Carefully he helped it over the cast and continued so that finally it covered Brad's torso and the countless bruises and red marks.

 

"What do you want to do now?" Mike asked after he had gotten the sling back and they walked back to the living room.

 

He didn't really want to do anything specific but like this he tried to guide Brad's thoughts. Cause now it was like he didn't have mind of his own. He didn't answer so Mike just sat on the couch and was followed by the guitarist. Brad glanced at him like he was afraid of something and then pulled his knees to his chest. Mike dropped the remote control after he had turned the TV on and looked at the other. Brad was trembling slightly.

 

"Are you cold?", he asked frowning.

 

The guitarist nodded again. Mike grabbed the fleece blanket and wrapped it around the thin frame of the other.

 

"Better?", he asked.

 

Brad bit his lip and crawled closer letting his head fall on his shoulder. Mike inhaled again trying to keep himself together. He felt so lost.

 

"You're warm", Brad breathed soon relaxing.

 

Yeah nice, keep turning that knife in the wound, Mike thought biting his lip.

 

"I really wish you would talk more. Maybe I could help you better if you would tell me how. Why don't you want to talk?", he whispered inhaling the familiar scent from Brad's hair.

 

I need to get another shampoo for him, this is so weird, he thought.

 

And again he didn't assume the other to answer. He had gotten so used to Brad being quiet that when he spoke it was a surprise.

 

"I can't", the guitarist whispered squeezing himself closer to the other when there was no space to even get closer.

 

"Why? Is it cause you are afraid of what we answer? Cause I don't think there is thing that could chase us away from you. We are your friends you know", the emcee wrapped his arms around Brad's shoulder trying to be careful.

 

"Just the words", Brad mumbled.

 

"You mean... you're afraid of the words? What you say? You kinda lost me there", Mike sighed. The other spoke so few words that they could have also just been Chinese riddles. He didn't understand.

 

He felt a small nod against his shoulder and wished he could read minds. How was Brad afraid of what he said? That doesn't even mean anything.

 

"Okay. Well... Speak when you feel like it. Words won't kill you you know? But not speaking makes it harder for us to help", Mike explained.

 

The other fell silent and Mike continued with the TV. His mind was racing again and he wanted to ask millions of questions but he knew it wouldn't matter since even if he would get an answer it would be just few words. Brad fell asleep soon and Mike picked up the phone reminding himself to be careful with what he said now.

 

"Hey... Sorry I'm calling again", he mumbled when the drummer answered.

 

"He spoke. Just some words but he did", he breathed.

 

"Oh! What did he say?", the drummer asked.

 

"Well... He had scratched his arm. I helped him to get a shower again. There were tiny red marks just above the cast. So I asked and he suddenly said that it hurts. Apparently the arm has been hurting but he hadn't said anything! I was so freaking furious that I hadn't seen it. And earlier he said that he likes my clothes when I offered to pick some of his before picking up some groceries. And when I asked why doesn't he want to go back he said 'memories'. He doesn't remember anything but is afraid he will. Fuck!", the half Asian tried to keep his voice low.

 

"He said that he liked your clothes?", Rob asked.

 

"Is that really the thing to get stuck on? He also said just a while ago that I am warm. And he is sleeping leaning on me. He has my clothes on and he smells like me cause of the shampoo. And he has my favorite fleece blanket around him. So, yeah", Mike mumbled.

 

"Mike stop that. I know what you are thinking. He has a wife, don't forget it", the drummer groaned.

 

"I don't think I can forget it that quickly. But this... I'm crumbling", Mike whispered.

 

"No, you will keep yourself together. I know you can do it. You already made him speak some words. That's a lot", Rob tried to rationalize.

 

"Guess so", the half Asian mumbled playing absentmindedly with Brad's hair.

 

"God I already know this doesn't end well. Mike....", Rob groaned to the phone frustrated.

 

\------


	7. We fake what we don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... Another sad and angsty chapter. Lol. Sorry about the cliffhanger, oopsies.

\------

 

Days had past. Several days. And Brad had fallen back to his non-speaking state. Which had become the normal state. Mike didn't even remember what it felt like when Brad actually talked. When he laughed and responded. This empty shell wasn't Brad. It sure looked like him but that was all it was. And the silence was deafening.

 

So the days went by just like the previous days. They woke up and ate breakfast. Then they watched TV or occasionally Mike read while Brad watched it. Mike would call Rob and then he would cook or order in. Some days Brad napped during the day time. On other days it was time for wound care. And then they went to sleep.

 

The thing was that they woke up together in Mike's bed. They watched TV Brad leaning on him. Or when he napped he had his head on Mike's lap. Wound care and shower was still awkward, but Brad didn't say anything and Mike did it all cause he had to. And then they went to sleep- together in same bed.

 

Mike had spoken with the doctor and they had discussed about the stitches. He had given a permission for Mike to take them out by himself as long as he would do it properly and follow instructions given. The wounds would need few more days. Brad had also gotten permission to toss the sling. The shoulder was better and now it needed some exercise. And the bruises under his eyes had turned to horrible green color and slightly faded.

 

From outside Brad was healing. Slowly, but surely his shell was coming together again. Mike just didn't know what he would need to do to make him whole again. Really whole. And there he was now, thinking about it. Again. Brad had crawled onto his lap. Half there, half still on the couch in some kind of a fetal position. They were waiting the others to visit. Rob had figured that maybe if they spend some time together like they normally did it could encourage Brad to talk. Or possibly open up after they would leave them.

 

Mike had left the door on purpose unlocked so he wouldn't need to get up when they came. Cause he knew Brad way too well already. So when the knock came he didn't even shift but yelled for them to get in.

 

Rob knew how close they had come after the attack but this still shocked him. He didn't like it. He knew someone was going to get hurt, badly. And since Brad was already this hurt there was no other option than Mike. Chester and Dave didn't say anything. Their faces said only that they felt bad for Brad. They weren't shocked that Brad was practically on Mike's lap and looked totally comfortable there. Like it was where he was supposed to be.

 

"Hi... He was napping, just woke up", Mike said quietly noticing Rob's expression.

 

Brad got up like he was actually listening and caring but didn't move further away from Mike. Mike could feel the guitarist was all tensed up.

 

"Sorry, Joe couldn't make it. Some family crisis", Chester explained and sat next to Brad.

 

"How are you today? I see you don't have the sling anymore. Is the arm any better?", Dave asked.

 

Mike gave Brad a long time to answer but he already knew he wouldn't.

 

"Some stretching is needed for the muscles. It's more comfortable now I believe when the arm doesn't need to be pinned in one position", he told.

 

"And the doctor gave me a permission to get the stitches out when the time comes. The wounds should need still few days to heal before that", he continued then.

 

They went on about what they had done in the past days joking around like normally and Mike felt Brad was relaxing finally.

 

"Brad. Would it be okay if I lend Mike for a while? He will be back soon and we would be just in the other room. Chester and Dave will stay here with you", Rob asked trying to enunciate his words as carefully as possible.

 

Brad looked at him and nodded then leaning away from Mike. The emcee glanced at him telling with his eyes that it was fine and he would be soon back. Rob was still amazed how they were understanding each other so perfectly. It was like they shared part of brain and still were two different people. Mike lead him to the bedroom and closed the door behind them.

 

"So...", he sat down on the bed nervous what Rob had in mind.

 

Rob sighed and started then. "I have few ideas. You might not like them all but I think they are worth to try."

 

"Okay. Spit it out then", the half Asian arched his eyebrow.

 

"Well first thing. This. It can't happen again", he pointed at the bed that had obvious signs that there had been two people sleeping instead of one.

 

"At least try to make him sleep alone. If it doesn't work, then... well then it doesn't. But think further. He needs to get back home to his wife. What about touring after he has healed? And yes I still try to be optimistic that he will want to play when the arm has healed. You need to wean yourself from him. Cause I know how hard this is for you. But you can't confuse this... what the fuck this even is from him, to love or some kind of that. Of course he loves you. Like we all do. As a friend. So I ask... today when he falls asleep you leave him to sleep alone and go to sleep elsewhere. I think that could work instead of forcing him to fall asleep alone", he explained.

 

Mike stared at him annoyed but he knew Rob was right. "Okay... Guess I could try that. What else?"

 

"Then I thought what if you give him paper and a pen? What if he doesn't want to talk, but could write down what he feels or wants to say but can't?", Rob suggested.

 

Mike thought about it and nodded then. "That I can certainly do. And then? Sounds like you have more suggestions."

 

Rob bit his lip. "Well... Elisa. She really misses him and wants him to go back to home. I think we should try that. It would be the best. Maybe if you would take him there. That could be easier for him."

 

"And leave him like that? She doesn't understand him", Mike frowned.

 

"Mike, don't give me that. She does. They love each other", Rob threw his hands in the air.

 

"You know what I mean! You saw how it was like! How can you say that it would be the best?!", Mike got anxious. It was more than clear to him that it had to be done eventually but not yet. He wasn't ready.

 

Rob was just about to answer when a scream startled them and after quick glance to each other they ran back to the living room. Brad was in the corner of the couch shielding his head and sobbing hysterically. Dave stood further away his hands on his cheeks and Chester was on the other side of the couch arms stretched out towards Brad like he was trying to calm him down.

 

"What the hell happened?", Rob asked before Mike could open his mouth.

 

"I hugged him. He screamed 'don't touch'. But I guess I wasn't quick enough to back away cause he pushed me and panicked", Chester explained feeling so bad that he had caused it.

 

Mike remembered the talk with Rob just minutes ago and quickly searched for a notepad and pen. He approached Brad slowly and sat in front of him. He was shaking badly and Mike needed all his will power that he didn't grab him to his arms to console him.

 

"Brad hey... Chester was trying to help you. Could you maybe write down what you feel? If you can't vocalize it... maybe you could write it?", he spoke softly and showed the notepad.

 

Brad peeked him from under his hands and slowly lowered them then. The shaking was subsiding but his face looked horrible. He was still in shock and the tears had striped his face. For a while he watched the notepad like waiting it would spoke to him and grabbed it then. Mike handed the pen for him too and waited. Brad looked at the blank paper and wrote then. When he was finished he pushed the notepad to Mike's lap.

 

"I don't want them to touch me. Can't trust", it said.

 

"Okay", Mike nodded and showed then the paper for the others.

 

Chester was still feeling bad and thought it was his fault. Rob was more than happy that his idea had worked out.

 

"You know you can trust them. They would never hurt you. Neither would Elisa", Mike said.

 

Brad stared at him wondering how he could ever explain it and grabbed then the notepad back.

 

"I know. That's logical. But I still can't", he wrote.

 

"This is getting over my head. Why he doesn't want to talk but writing is okay?", Dave scratched his head.

 

"No idea. Maybe talking is just... well harder", Mike mumbled staring at the guitarist who had still his knees pulled tightly to his chest.

 

"But what does it mean?", Chester sighed.

 

Brad looked at him and shook his head. This is so awkward, Mike thought.

 

"So.... He can touch you. But we can't, nor your wife?", Chester asked.

 

Brad nodded and hung his head low. He was embarrassed but he just couldn't explain why he couldn't take it.

 

"Uhm... Well... I think that means he trusts Mike and is comfortable here. Which is good, right? He trusts someone... that's better than nothing", Dave sighed.

 

Great Dave. Just encourage him more, Rob thought wanting to yell at him.

 

"Is the touching thing cause of the attack?", the singer asked.

 

Brad turned his head to look at him and after a while nodded.

 

"Guessed so... That's why the sudden hug wasn't good", he mumbled receiving again nod from the guitarist.

 

"Any better now?", Mike whispered to the guitarist.

 

Brad sighed and crawled closer to lean to him again. But surprising them all that wasn't what he contented to. He grabbed Mike's hand and lifted it over his shoulders leaning to his chest. Rob stared at Mike his eyes saying thousand words but Mike couldn't even shrug back.

 

"Hope he isn't too hurt that I tried to hug. I really didn't even think that it would be uncomfortable for him. God I wish he would remember and the attacker would get caught. Maybe this all would be dealt then properly. But I'm glad you two have each other. He looks better with you. Not so... vulnerable", Chester said.

 

Rob rolled his eyes. Yeah, you do that too. Nice, helps a lot, he thought.

 

Mike would have sticked his tongue out for him if only he wouldn't so miserable. He knew more than well that Brad was just trusting him. As a friend, and nothing more. He didn't need a constant reminder of it.

 

Dave nodded. "Yeah... But we should go already. I hope Brad that you keep communicating. You don't have an idea really how important that is for all of us".

 

Chester and Rob nodded in unison and they all stood up to leave.

 

"Remember what we talked about, okay? And call if you need anything. We'll discuss the... third thing later", Rob said feeling like an asshole even though he knew he was right and he had to be the one saying it.

 

Mike nodded and then they left. He stared at the closed door and sighed.

 

"Here we are. Us two alone again. Guess we'll just watch TV and order some food then", he mumbled.

 

Brad glanced up to him giving a small smile.

 

"I just wish you would get better soon. I miss you talking. Being funny and all that", Mike whispered.

 

So that's what they did. Watched TV and then ordered food. When it was time to go to sleep Mike thought he should try Rob's suggestion. He waited for Brad to fall asleep which was easy since he couldn't sleep himself. When the other was breathing calmly he bit his lip and slipped from under the covers and tip toed from the room. Couch had come way too familiar for him but he decided it would do now. It was closer than the guest room. He fall asleep pretty easily even when the pondering was exhausting in a wrong way.

 

But in the middle of the night a scream startled him. The second time for that day, and the source being the same. When he finally got his thoughts organized and figured what it was he wanted to kick himself. This was exactly what he had been afraid off. He ran quickly back to the bedroom.

 

Brad was on the floor next to the bed shaking and wailing. The half Asian turned on the lamp on the bedside table and kneeled then in front of him not knowing what to do. The guitarist was all sweaty and new scratches had appeared close to the cast when the others had just almost finally faded.

 

"Hey, what happened?", Mike asked not knowing should he hug him or was that bad cause of the previous situation. And then he didn't know would it even help to ask when the other wasn't talking.

 

"He was back. And it hurt. It hurt so bad. And then you weren't there and...", he tried to catch a breath amongst the sobs.

 

"I'm so sorry Brad. I should have never left you alone. But he isn't here, your safe", Mike touched his shoulder carefully.

 

"Why, Mike? Why me? And why can't I remember it all....", Brad was panicking and obviously the words were just flowing from his mouth.

 

The half Asian bit his lip feeling his heart being hammered into pieces. Slowly he got the crying man to his lap waiting for him to yell at him like he had done to Chester but when it didn't happen he lifted him back to the bed.

 

"Calm down okay? You're safe now", the emcee tried to calm him but he was getting out of words.

 

He pulled the covers on them and then Brad back to his arms. Feeling utterly confused he was about to break down in tears but forcing himself he kept them in. That wasn't what Brad needed now. Or probably could even take it.

 

Brad was biting his lip hard and apparently trying not to cry so loud. And the shaking was still bad and Mike felt even worse cause this was the second time that day. On both times it had been his fault. He had left the other alone.

 

"Please don't. You're drawing blood soon", Mike mumbled gently pulling the lip free from between the teeth.

 

"Sorry. I'm such a mess", the other spoke barely audibly and dropped his gaze.

 

Mike sighed and grabbed him closer. "So am I..." Even more than you think, he finished it inside his head.

 

Brad's breathing on his neck was causing shivers run down his spine and he wished more than anything that this could be something else. Something more than just he trying to be a good friend. Finally the tears wetting his t-shirt had stopped flowing and Brad was breathing calmly.

 

"Better now? Right?", the half Asian asked and got a nod back.

 

"Don't know why you trust me. Like you just...attach to me like a second person and apparently feel comfortable cause you wouldn't be there otherwise", he continued.

 

"Cause you love me", the answer was quiet, but it was there.

 

Whoa.


	8. Why do I have to see this through?

 

\-------

 

"It didn't work", Mike said when Rob answered the phone.

 

He was making the breakfast while Brad slept. Like the days before. It was already noon and his brains were screaming for coffee.

 

"He... We went to sleep and I did what you suggested. And then I woke up to him screaming. He had a nightmare. I think the man was back in the dream. When he woke up I wasn't there and he panicked. Rob he... It felt like my heart was being ripped apart! He was so scared and confused. Then asked why him. And I couldn't answer. Cause I still can't think any logical reason why him!", he yelled.

 

"Mike... Try to calm down okay. Then?", the drummer sighed. He could feel how desperate the half Asian was.

 

Mike sighed and sat down. He had to calm down, he knew it. "Then he asked why can't he remember it all. Which only makes me think what does he remember?"

 

"Yeah... But obviously cause you didn't call me then you managed handle the situation?", Rob asked.

 

 _Handle. What a nice word for it_ , Mike thought groaning inwardly.

 

"He calmed down eventually yes. Stopped shaking and crying. And then when I wondered stupidly out loud why he trusts me he said cause I love him", the half Asian said and glanced at the doorway that lead to the bedroom.

 

"What!?", it was Rob's turn to yell.

 

"Yup. I don't know why he said that and what does it mean but I sure as hell don't want to ask", Mike continued and got up to pour the coffee.

 

"For fuck's sake Mike... How the hell did you get yourself into this mess! Shit...", the drummer muttered.

 

"You think I don't know that? I want to scream and yell and run away. And same time I want to yell at him that I love him and that I would do anything for him. I hate this!", Mike groaned.

 

"What the hell do we do now... Does that mean he heard you then or... Don't... Okay, we'll do this. Don't talk to him about it. Let's get Elisa to pick him up", Rob said.

 

"I don't think that's a good idea", the half Asian mumbled.

 

"Mike! We have to do that. _This_ isn't a good idea", the drummer raised his voice.

 

"Fine! I know it won't end well but let's do it anyway", Mike answered in same manner.

 

" _This_ whole thing won't end well! You know that! Not if you two continue with what you're doing. He is a mess, you are a mess and you both cling to each other for different reasons. Someone is gonna get hurt and that will be you. I did tell you it already", Rob tried to explain.

 

"Yeah... Okay", Mike sighed.

 

"You know he will be fine. Even if you're not with him every single hour of the day. You still live close to each other and can visit when you want. Then you will be fine too", the drummer continued now calmer.

 

"I know you're right. But it hurts. It hurts so fucking much", the emcee whispered.

 

"Will do that today. I'll be there too", Rob said and closed the line.

 

Mike placed the phone back to the table and tried to push the thoughts aside. Groaning he got up and went to fetch the guitarist to eat something.

 

"Hey. I made breakfast. Come and eat?", Mike stroked Brad's arm gently.

 

Brad got up to sit and looked confused a second. Then he yawned and glanced at Mike before he stood up. Following Mike they got to the kitchen and as like any other day they ate in silence. Then they grabbed they coffee cups and sat in front of the TV. Brad was shivering slightly and Mike wrapped a fleece blanket around him.

 

Mike was worried not only cause of the arm but also cause Brad was obviously losing weight. Even when his clothes were bigger than Brad's own ones Mike could easily see the difference. He was eating maybe half of what he normally ate and Mike knew it was probably same reason why he didn't talk.

 

And now he was worried what would happen when Elisa had to take care of Brad. It was like he had totally forgotten that they were married and Elisa would probably know the wound care better than him. It was so logical but his heart was on the way. He knew also that this was just a good thing that the guitarist went back to his wife. Moving on was what he needed to do. So that the band could continue when finally the guitarist was ready.

 

Brad scratched his arm which caught Mike's attention. More red marks had appeared.

 

"Hey, don't. Does the hand hurt? Or are the scratches itchy?", Mike grabbed Brad's hand gently still little bit over the edge cause if the incident with the singer the other day.

 

Brad sighed but didn't say anything. The emcee bit his lip but remembered then the notepad. Standing up he searched it quickly and then got back next to Brad handing it to him.

 

The guitarist stared at the blank page reluctant but wrote then.

 

"Both I guess."

 

"Okay. I'll get a pill for you and I think I have some ointment for the itching", Mike smiled and went to search for the product.

 

Brad watched him silently and relaxed when the emcee got back and sat down again.

 

"Okay, there's the med", he handed the pill for Brad who took it and swallowed with the coffee.

 

"Then, let me see the arm", Mike said letting Brad turn the arm.

 

Mike spread the cream on the red marks and wrapped then the fleece over Brad's shoulders properly.

 

"Hope it helps. I can call the doctor and ask better one if that doesn't help. The wounds will probably start itch too when they scar. And I think we need to clip your nails", he mumbled and grabbed his phone that beeped.

 

"Will be there in few hours", Rob's message said.

 

 _Great_ , he thought.

 

"So listen. Elisa will be here soon to pick you up. I think that's best for now. I will visit you in few days when you're settled back there. And you can always text me if you feel like it. I know you won't want to call but...", he explained feeling like it was better than just to force the other to go like they already tried.

 

Brad stared at him his eyes saying thousand words and Mike wanted already to cancel the whole thing. He sighed biting his lip and was ready to talk when Brad grabbed the notepad and started to write.

 

"If that's what you want."

 

And Mike wanted to scream. It was the last thing he wanted, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

 

"No I... I think it is better for you to go back home. To Elisa. She really misses you and you probably heal better there", Mike tried to be calm and sensible even when every single word he said was breaking his heart little bit more.

 

Brad nodded and threw the notepad on the table. And crawled under his arm leaning to his chest. Mike wiped the silent tears away and tried to focus back to the stupid show on TV.

 

Two hours went by quicker than Mike would have wanted and when the doorbell rang he had to once again remind himself that this was Rob's idea and the drummer was usually right. He stood up and went to open the door. Elisa was standing there with a small kind smile on her face Rob by her sight.

 

"Hi. How is he today?", she asked stepping inside.

 

Mike glanced over his shoulder at the guitarist who was wrapped in the huge fleece blanket looking obviously afraid.

 

"The arm was aching. And the scratches itching. He... doesn't talk still but we noticed he communicates with a notepad. Not about everything though. Or long. But some anyway. So I gave him a pain med and spread some ointment to the marks. If it doesn't help the doctor will probably prescribe something better", he explained.

 

Rob watched carefully Mike's facial expressions feeling sad and sorry for all of the mess they were into.

 

"Okay. Is there something I need to know?", Elisa asked.

 

Mike sighed. "He doesn't like sudden touches. And probably will have nightmares. And eats way too little but we can't force him to eat more either. And the wounds look horrible but they are healing."

 

"Okay. Thank you for taking such good care of him. I'm sure he will be fine. Can I call you if there is something I need help with?", she asked.

 

"Of course", the emcee nodded. He was more than reluctant, but same time he wanted to know how the guitarist was feeling.

 

Rob went to talk with the guitarist while Mike fetched the wound care bag and the meds. Brad stepped up when Mike came back and headed to the door hanging his head low. Elisa had hard time knowing she shouldn't touch him. She was obviously forcing herself not to, squeezing her hands.

 

"I'll see you in few days", Mike tried to smile.

 

Brad nodded and started to pull the fleece off around him.

 

"You're cold. Just keep it", the emcee shook his head.

 

The other nodded again and gave him a quick hug before walking after the woman. Mike watched them to get inside the car already swallowing the tears. Brad didn't even turn his head, he was still hanging his head low. When they finally left the driveway and Mike closed the door he broke down into a hysterical cry.

 

"Fuck... I know", Rob grabbed him to his arms. He couldn't do anything but to watch the other to crumble down.

 

"Why?! And why can't we help him? Why won't the police do anything? Why him?", Mike wailed.

 

"I wish I could know the answers. I know it hurts Mike", the drummer squeezed him so scared that the friend who had always been the strongest one in the group would never go back to himself.

 

"I love him so much. But I don't want to! It kills me! Every time he looks at me those eyes filled with confusion and sadness I just....", he tried to catch his breath feeling the panic hammer everything else under it.

 

"Please calm down Mike! I wish I could help you but I can't, you know that. This was the only thing I could do to help. Now he is there being taken care of and you are here and will be able to move on. Before you even know it we are on the tour again and everything is fine, okay?", Rob shook him trying to get his words hit him.

 

Mike closed his eyes and tried to gather himself back together. Rob sighed and pulled him up from the ground and directed to sit in the couch. Then he went to search through Mike's kitchen cabinets and finally returned with a glass and bottle of wine.

 

"Alcohol is never the answer but I think you need some now. And try to eat something too", he said pouring a glass for the emcee.

 

The other stared at him and nodded then. _I need to get my shit together, this isn't leading anywhere,_ he thought still feeling utterly confused.

 

"I have to get back home. Call me later. Try to think something else than this fucking mess, okay?", Rob sighed and after getting a sad smile and nod he left the house.

 

The half Asian exhaled long and wiped his tears. It really couldn't be worse than this. Or actually it could be. Then Brad would be dead or injured even more seriously. So he had hope. They had hope. At least he was communicating a little and they were taking care of him.

 

He pulled his phone from his pants pocket and made sure it had sounds turned on before placing it on the table next to the wine bottle. Then he grabbed the remote control and the glass of wine and took a sip. _Brad was alive and he was taken care of. Everything else would get better with time_ , he thought. Sighing again finally feeling calm he started to surf the channels to find something to watch to empty his mind completely.

 

Time went by and soon it was already evening. He had ordered some food, not feeling like cooking. Then he had texted Rob that he was feeling slightly better so that the drummer wouldn't worry so much. While he checked the social media he was pleasantly surprised that all the shit had subsided and there was mostly worried messages asking how Brad was doing and other people that wished them well hoping to see them soon.

 

And then he just couldn't but to count the hours how long he had been without the guitarist. _When the hell did I get so messed up_ , he thought looking at the clock. Only hours gone and he missed Brad. He didn't know which was worse. The fact that Brad didn't love him in return and he had had to spent time with him together so closely. Or that the guitarist wasn't now there. Pouring the last glass he wondered should he open another bottle. Sipping it he decided that he would. He could drink all the wine in the world and it wouldn't help anything but Rob was right. It did calm him now. Suddenly his phone started to ring and he frowned when he saw Elisa's name in the screen.

 

"I can't find him! I thought he had gone to the cellar but he isn't anywhere!", the woman yelled when Mike answered with simple 'yeah'.

 

"Wait, slow down! Brad has disappeared? Have you looked everywhere? Like under the bed and closets too?", Mike got up feeling his heart jump to his throat.

 

"Yes! He must have gone outside but he doesn't even have shoes on! We have to go search for him", Elisa was in panic.

 

"What happened?", Mike frowned.

 

"Mike... I'm so sorry.... I shouldn't have. I slapped him. It was an accident and I shouldn't... Oh my god", she was crying now.

 

"What?! How could you! What the hell!", Mike gasped not believing his ears.

 

"I know!", she answered.

 

"Shit... How long ago you noticed he was missing?", the half Asian was fuming but he tried to get the important facts first before he would lose it completely.

 

"Maybe half an hour. I tried to find him everywhere and then decided it would be better to call you if... you have an advice", her voice was strangled.

 

Mike bit his lip and closed his eyes so he wouldn't scream at her. "We need to go search for him. And now I'm going to end this call so I don't say something I will regret later."

 

"Fuck!", he yelled at the top of his lungs after he had ended the call and threw the wine glass to the wall causing it to shatter and the remaining red wine taint the wall.

 

He called for Rob' while trying not to scream. He was so fucking pissed that he was afraid he would literally explode.

 

"Brad's missing. She hit him. She fucking hit him and now he is... don't know. He disappeared and he hasn't even got any shoes on", he gasped to the phone.

 

"What?!", Rob answered.

 

"Yeah. You heard it right. Who fucking does that! So now I need to go search him. By foot. Fuck!", Mike said and started to get shoes on.

 

"Shit... Okay, I'm leaving in five minutes too. You need help in the search", Rob sighed and closed the line.

 

Mike groaned not knowing how to react or what was he even supposed to do. Other than go and search, since screaming and throwing things wasn't a solution. He grabbed a hoodie and opened the door to get out. But he didn't get further since Brad was standing there. Crying and beyond miserable. But he was there.

 

"Oh my god! Brad! I was so freaking worried! Why would you...", Mike started but stopped then cause Brad's red cheek reminded him why.

 

"Please don't make me go back there", Brad's pleading voice was barely a whisper filled with pain.

 

Mike pulled him in and closed the door behind. Then he guided him to the couch and grabbed his phone.

 

"He is here. I'll call you later but notify Elisa that he is okay. I don't want to talk with her", he write to a message he sent to Rob.

 

Rob answered with simple 'K' and Mike tossed the phone. Next he got another fleece blanket and wrapped it around the guitarist who was probably trembling more cause of what had happened than that he was cold.

 

"Why...", Brad noticed the red stain on the wall.

 

"I threw a wine glass. I was beyond pissed. She called to ask help and then she told me that she hit you and I... You don't to that to a person. Especially when the person is so broken. I'm so sorry that happened. It was my fault, again. Fuck... Brad, I'm so sorry", Mike still tried to keep himself together.

 

Brad shook his head and crawled to his lap clinging with the one hand he could pressing his face to Mike's neck. Mike wrapped his arm around the other squeezing hard. Brad's tears were soaking his shirt once again but he didn't care.

 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know she could ever do that. If I would have known I... I'm sorry. Please forgive me", he breathed feeling so horrible.

 

His phone started to ring and when he saw it was Rob he knew he had to pick up.

 

"Is he okay?", the drummer asked.

 

"Barely. My fault. My fucking fault again. Why do I keep making these fucking mistakes that backlash and he suffers!", he said while still squeezing the other.

 

"You couldn't have known. She apologized and tried to explain it. She is just as confused as we are. Just the reaction being different", Rob sighed.

 

"I don't care! You don't do that to another person that is already so vulnerable!", Mike yelled.

 

"I know. I will talk with her. She said she can pick him up tomorrow. If he calms down for today and...", the drummer started but Mike wasn't having it.

 

"No! I have had it with this bullshit! He isn't going anywhere. I don't care what she thinks or wants. I'm not going to sit here and wait that he will be on my doorstep again looking like a beaten puppy begging me not to make him go back there. Rob really, I'm done!", he stated,

 

"Fine Mike. I'll call her", the drummer sighed feeling absolutely defeated. All he wanted was for them to get back to the normal life. What it was before the attack.

 

"Good. Now if you excuse me my arm is getting numb for squeezing him and I am not planning on letting go so I rather hang up", the half Asian answered and closed the line.

 

"Thank you", said the small whisper on his neck.

 

"I'm so sorry baby. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again", he mumbled.

 

_Yeah, nice one Mike._

 

\--------


	9. Do I follow my instincts blindly?

\-----

 

"Hey", Mike said glancing over his shoulder.

 

It was yet again another beautiful morning that didn't seem so beautiful to them. He was making the breakfast as usual and Brad had woken up and now was standing in the doorway. Yesterday, Mike had been in some different zone the rest of the day, thinking how wrong it all was. And then he couldn't sleep cause his mind had traveled back to how Brad looked when he came back. He knew he had to call Elisa and talk to her cause she was probably just as shocked as they were but he was so angry that he didn't want to. 

 

The other thing was that he knew he had to talk with Brad. Not that he would ask about the 'you love me' -thing he had said but generally at least try to help more somehow. Maybe Brad would remember if they would talk about it. Or what if he already did but he felt like he couldn't tell it? Which meant he needed to call the drummer again.

 

"Hey", Brad answered causing Mike almost flip his coffee cup on the floor.

 

"Did you sleep well?", he asked but got now only a shrug back.

 

The half Asian nodded kicking himself inwardly. All what happened the day before came rushing in his mind and he couldn't believe he had blurted 'baby'. The word could really mean anything but on the other hand if Brad already had heard the conversation he had had back then with Rob that was just one more thing to make sure he had fucked up. Badly. He knew he couldn't fix this. The guitarist was already broken and now he had thrown a curveball at him. Like he didn't have plenty of stuff to think already.

 

And today was the day he would take the stitches off. Which meant also shower day. Another problem was that the wound care stuff was at Elisa's and he needed to pick them up first. But he didn't want to see the woman. Yes they had to talk, but thinking about seeing him face to face after what had happened made his stomach turn.

 

"Here", he placed a plate of french toasts in front of the guitarist and was surprised to see something that almost looked like a smile tug his lip.

 

Then he handed him the coffee cup and joined to the table digging down to his own toasts. Mike stared at him while Brad cut a piece by piece finishing again half of what was on the plate. Then he grabbed his coffee cup and went to sat on the couch. Mike sighed trying to do it as silently as possible. He didn't want to be impatient. He didn't want to be that person to say that Brad had to get his 'shit together' cause he knew it wouldn't work that way. But even so he found himself thinking what if Brad wouldn't get better? What if he wouldn't heal from the inside? What if there was something that was preventing him from healing? That was beyond scary and he just wanted to push the thought aside instantly as it hit his head once again.

 

"Brad hey... Today is the day when we can take the stitches of. I'll have to check them before but... Yeah. I need to pick up the stuff from Elisa first. You can wait here, it won't take long", he said then clearing up the table.

 

The guitarist stayed still and Mike shook his head while he poured another cup of coffee to himself. Then he put down the notepad in front of Brad with the pen and opened the TV.

 

"I would like you to try. I know you probably don't want to. But... Think about the day. What is the last thing you remember? Any sounds perhaps. Or smells? Even if... the person doesn't get caught I think it would help you to deal with it", he said trying to encourage the skinny man.

 

Brad stared at him thinking. He wasn't sure at all where to even start or should he even. But he took the pen and the pad and leaned to the emcee waiting for the words to come. Mike decided to give him some space and concentrated to the TV. He heard the pen on the paper but didn't turn his head from the screen thinking it would probably be best. After a while Brad placed his empty coffee cup on the table and the notepad to Mike's lap. The emcee glanced at him and when Brad leaned back to him he started to read.

 

"I remember only few things. That I panicked when a stranger was in the house. I had some seconds to think why the alarm didn't go off. And that it hurt like hell. I can't remember the face but I have feeling that he had a mask. He didn't talk but he breathed really heavily. Then I was scared that I would die. So much blood", the writing said.

 

"You know this is the longest you have written since... I hope you will continue this way", Mike said smiling.

 

Brad nodded a sad smile on his face.

 

They both startled when the doorbell rang. Mike got to open the door frowning while Brad look like he was about to panic. But it was only Rob standing behind the door.

 

"Hey. Sorry I didn't call first. I talked with Elisa and she said you forgot these and since I happened to be close by I picked them up", Rob smiled and gave the bag with the wound care stuff to Mike.

 

"Thanks. I was just thinking that I should pick them up. Stitch removal day. And shower day", Mike mumbled. He remembered then the tiny little word that he had blurted and that he hadn't spoken yet with the drummer about it.

 

"Okay... I don't... Are you fine? Like... Yesterday was such a mess. But he looks... well the same as before", Rob sighed raking his hair.

 

"He actually wrote something just before you came. I didn't ask yet about yesterday cause... And I need to speak with her even though I don't want to", he stopped mid sentence not knowing how to continue.

 

"Mike. I asked are you fine", Rob saw right through him. He couldn't even remember how many times he had been there when the emcee needed a shoulder to cry on so he knew when something was off.

 

Mike sighed and instead telling what was wrong he gave the notepad to the drummer. Rob read the words and gave then it back to Mike.

 

"Brad. That's really good. I think you should do this more often. You know we would be so lost without you", Rob smiled glad that something so big had happened.

 

The emcee saw a faint blush creep on Brad's cheeks when he nodded. Maybe this was really a good sign and they were making some progress.

 

"I would hug him but guess that's not a good idea yet", Rob nodded to Mike lowering then his voice. "So. Do you manage with the stitches or would you need help? I'm not worried that you won't manage but... you know what I think."

 

"I think I can manage. Never done it before but the doctor explained what to do and I... well I also Googled instructions", the half Asian nodded lowering his gaze.

 

Rob sighed. "There's something you're not telling me. I can't make you. But please, you know that you can talk with me. This whole situation is awkward, but I'm still your friend and even if I don't agree with everything you do... I know it's you're heart doing it all."

 

"It's nothing really. Just don't want to... well I think he didn't even notice so we'll just carry on", Mike tried to smile.

 

"Okay. Fine. But you know that is still huge that he wrote that much. Just call me later, okay?", Rob hugged him and left then.

 

Mikes sighed inwardly keeping it to himself.

 

"Brad, I think we could do the shower now and the stitches? If you don't mind?", he then asked from the other.

 

The guitarist nodded and stood up. He waited for Mike to gather the usuals- plastic bag for the cast, then the one that Mike brought from Elisa and then another shirt and sweatpants for Brad. Then he let Mike lead him to the bathroom and once again did all in perfectly obeying Mike's gestures. The half Asian checked the wounds and was pretty sure they could be taken off after the shower. Carefully he made sure the area was nicely rinsed from the shower gel before he closed the stream and helped a towel around Brad before removing the cover from the cast.

 

"I think daylight would be best for the operation. I'm kinda nervous, haven't done this before. But if you don't like it we can go to the doctor too", Mike blabbered.

 

Brad shook his head and let the emcee help the pants on him. The towel over his upper body he followed Mike to the bedroom who opened the blinds to get as much light in as possible. Mike took the towel gesturing him to lie on the bed and thought that he would need a shave too soon. Another thing that he wasn't certain would he be able to do by himself or was there some other way he should handle it.

 

He watched Brad try to relax on the bed and gulping he searched the bag returning the advices to his mind. There were few tiny blades in foil packages and forceps. He also took the disinfectant on hand and made sure he had enough adhesive dressings to cover the wound up again after the stitches were hopefully takes off properly.

 

"So... Shit. Like I said, I haven't done this before and it's long time since I last saw it done. I'll just... start. Following the instructions", he mumbled taking one blade out.

 

He decided to start from the lower back so that he would do it in order one wound at a time. He leaned to start but noticed then he was blocking the light. He cursed himself and that he even thought that here was the best cause he certainly didn't dare to ask Brad get up again so that they would go back to the bathroom.

 

"Fuck. I can't see anything like this. And if I try from the other side the light will blind me. So... Sorry just tell me if it annoys you too much or I forget that I am fat ass and sit on you. Just... well, do something then", shaking all unnecessary thoughts from his heads he climbed on the bed straddling him.

 

Knowing it would eventually kill his thigh muscles he started with the stitches. Placing the knot between the forceps he cut the suture just above the skin and pulled away. Checking that the wound didn't start to open he continued to the next. Occasionally checking that Brad wasn't changing his facial expression he soon got to the second wound. Thinking how fucking weird this while situation is he noticed that Brad was frowning suddenly.

 

"Does it hurt?", Mike stopped pulling the suture.

 

Brad sighed. "Only a little."

 

"Do you want me to stop or?", the other bit his lip thinking.

 

"It's fine", Brad answered again and Mike felt relieved.

 

"It shouldn't take too long. I try to be quick", he said and continued.

 

Now he was already forcing himself to think something else. That he was basically laying on top of the man he loved. Even when the moment wasn't sensual at all it wasn't that far from it. Just stitches and a broken man in the way. He could so easily lean just little bit further to kiss the corner of those soft lips and trail his hand to the hair that was still wet from the shower. Smelling like him. But instead he chewed his lip and did the task as a good friend would.

 

"Done. Now the rest and were ready", he sighed now relived that he had made it.

 

Collecting all the sutures to one pile he wiped the wounds with disinfectant and picked up then the dressings and started to open the first. His legs were already killing him but he knew it would take only few minutes more and that he could make it. When he was finally ready he tossed the trash pile on the bedside table and crashed next to the guitarist.

 

"Ouch. Next time, if I ever have to do that again, I certainly will want it to be done so that I am in better position. That was not a good idea. My poor legs", he groaned almost chuckling to himself and his bad ideas.

 

Brad turned slowly to face him and Mike was glad that he had done something so important. Sure the doctor visit would have probably gone just fine too but he didn't want to take any chances either. Then he saw Brad scratch again the red marks on his arm.

 

"Wait, let me use the cream. It helped last time right?", he pulled the hand away and grabbed then the bag and hoped the ointment was still there and sure it was.

 

The other watched him spread the product making sure he covered all the marks. "Brad no scratching. Next there will be more ones that itch and... you know it isn't good. Does the arm hurt?"

 

Brad shook his head watching again closely when Mike tossed the bag back to the table and then laying back next to him. "Okay so, what's next. I think we really should think something else to do than TV. I know you.... don't probably want to do anything. But we just can't keep staring at the TV."

 

He stared at Brad waiting for some answer while he massaged his sore thigh. Brad stared at the wall behind him, then again him, going slowly back and forth his expression just slightly changing in between. Wondering that he should probably get up Mike was caught of guard completely. 

 

He didn't see it coming. Brad leaned in closing the gap between them and connected their lips. Mike couldn't believe it first but then he had to. Cause he certainly could feel it. While he froze everything else disappeared. It was like he was floating somewhere without gravity or time. He pushed back desperately molding their lips together feeling his heart thud so loud that he thought it was about to explode from his chest. But when he heard himself whimper his brains started to function again and he realized what a huge mistake it was.

 

"Brad no! This... what the fuck", he breathed pulling away.

 

The guitarist was staring him not saying a word but now the silence was deafening. The silence Mike had gotten so used to. Mike buried his face to his hands beating himself mentally. I'm so fucking confused, he thought and wanted to scream. He didn't know what to do.

 

"I can't... Shit. I'm going to the living room. I need to... something", he mumbled and without looking at the other he left the room.

 

Pacing around a while he sat down on the couch. His first thought was to call the drummer but on the other hand he didn't even know what to say. And besides he hadn't told about what had happened earlier and now he was thinking was that the reason. Could this had been avoided if he just would have kept his mouth shut? He buried his face again to his hands groaning.

 

After a while he sighed and lift his head. Brad was standing further away the shirt on his hand and Mike felt sorry for him. He had gotten so confused that he had forgotten how broken the other one was. From outside too.

 

"Sorry Brad. Come here, I'll help with it", he said his voice almost breaking.

 

Brad walked to the couch slowly looking for Mike's reactions. He handed the short sleeved grey shirt to Mike. The emcee helped it over the cast and Brad's head while the other did the rest. Then he just sat there, staring at him. Mike wanted to escape but there was no way he was getting out of this mess just by running. Another thing added to it all and he thought he had never been that confused in his life. Brad crawled to his lap carefully waiting for rejection. Mike didn't budge. Cause what ever this was he couldn't ignore the man either.

 

"Cold", the guitarist mumbled and Mike grabbed the familiar fleece blanket to wrap it around him.

 

"Of course you are. That's my fault. Once again", Mike sighed making sure the blanket covered the other well.

 

And there they sat in silence. Like any other day Brad clinging on to him, leaning his head to his chest and Mike's arms wrapped around his. Just utterly shocked and uncertain.

 

"Please don't... push me away", Brad breathed.

 

Mike closed his eyes trying to organize his thoughts. Cause that was exactly what he was supposed to do.

 

"Brad, I... this... you... we... fuck", he tried but every sentence he tried to start seemed to be somehow wrong.

 

I love you. This isn't real. You don't love me. We can't do this, it's wrong, he finished them in his mind.

 

But instead pushing Brad away he squeezed him tighter and buried his face to the short curls inhaling sharply.

 

\-------


	10. Can I regain what's lost inside?

\-----

 

When Mike woke up to his phone ringing the next day and he knew it had to be Rob his first instinct was not to answer. He couldn't explain what had happened. Not even for himself. There was horrible weight on his chest suffocating. But he knew he had to answer. Glancing at the sleeping guitarist he got up and walked outside. This time wanting to make sure Brad wouldn't hear him.

 

"Sorry, I was still sleeping", he mumbled gloomily closing the door behind him.

 

"Oh! Sorry, I should have known. What's up? You sound even worse than yesterday", Rob frowned in the other end.

 

"Shit... This is so fucked up. He kissed me", Mike slumped against the door.

 

There was a second of silence and then he thought his eardrum would break.

 

"What?!", Rob shouted.

 

"You heard me", the emcee sighed grimacing.

 

"Are you sure? It wasn't accident or anything like that?", the other wondered.

 

"No Rob. It was a real kiss. No tongue but I was the one pulling away cause I somehow managed to realize it wasn't... well I was going to say right but you know how much I want it to be right. Real", Mike said knowing there wasn't really anything he could do now.

 

"Fucking hell.... Why? I mean... What you did? I don't want to blame you but that was totally unexpected", the drummer was confused too.

 

"No I didn't do anything... I mean... Well I had just taken the stitches off. Laying beside him cause I was stupid to choose bad position to do it and my thigh muscles were killing me. Nothing more really. But... The day before that. I didn't tell you cause I thought it wouldn't matter in any way. I called him baby. Just by accident! And really it was such a quick moment. I don't even know did he hear it", Mike answered trying to defend himself.

 

"I really can't even... I don't even have any advices to the situation. Not like... From the day you told me I have tried to keep it as a secret and tell you that you shouldn't reveal it. But now... I don't think you have a choice. It might not change the situation but... I honestly don't think he loves you like that. Not that it wouldn't be possible but there haven't been any signs before this. Not even a single one", Rob tried to rationalize.

 

"Well if we put it that way I haven't shown any signs either. Not ones that the rest would pick up", Mike mumbled.

 

"Right, yeah... But seriously think about it. I just... I'm still so afraid that this all is just a phase and when he gets better he goes back to his wife and you're left heart broken behind. More than you're now. So... Call me careful or what ever but I love you both so much that I don't want you to get hurt. Or even the worse, it leading to breaking up the band", the other sighed.

 

"So I suggest you talk with him. To him at least. Tell what you really feel and that you have just been there to help him. Not trying anything else. And maybe you should tell him also that I know, if it seems he didn't hear the talk back then. Which I think he did and that lead to this whole thing", he continued.

 

"Don't think I have a choice really. Yeah, I'll do that. Will call you later, though I don't think I have more news except if he doesn't take it well and hates me", the half Asian said feeling the weight on his chest just getting bigger.

 

"Wait Mike, I have actually something to tell. The police has a lead", the drummer interrupted him.

 

Mike gasped in disbelief and got up instantly. "What? Like really?"

 

"It seems there was another attack near by. And since it happened similar way they believe the intruder is same person. He didn't leave any evidence behind but they are talking with the neighbors. One of them has cameras and it is possible that he is on tape", Rob told and Mike just stood there mouth open.

 

"Okay. That's good. The other person didn't see the attacker?", he asked then.

 

"Mike... The victim died. He lost too much blood", Rob sighed being so sorry for the poor emcee.

 

The half Asian couldn't believe his ears. It could have been Brad, he thought.

 

"Shit... Did he... Like have the same kind of cuts in his back?", he asked then wanting to just run back inside and hug the guitarist.

 

"Yeah. But also slashed throat. No broken arm though", the other answered.

 

They talked few minutes more about what would happen next and then Mike felt like it would be best if he would go and check the guitarist. It wouldn't be good if Brad would panic while he was outside. Same time he tried not to panic himself. What if Brad would have died, he thought. When he got in Brad was sitting on the couch hugging his pajama clad legs.

 

"Hey, sorry. Rob called and I didn't want to wake you up", Mike said leaving his phone on the table and getting to kitchen to do the normal morning routines.

 

Meanwhile he tried to think how would he choose his words. Cause the 'I love you' was too big for him to say out loud to someone's face. But the more he thought about it the more he got confused. The three words seemed still the easiest way. If only he could collect enough courage to even start the conversation.

 

"So Brad. After we have eaten... We need to talk", he placed a cup of coffee and sandwiches on the table in front of the guitarist.

 

Brad glanced at him a glimpse of fear in his eyes.

 

"Eat first. And I meant I am talking. I wish you would but I don't want to make you. I won't make you, even if I would know how", the emcee nodded towards the sandwiches.

 

The other was getting way too skinny and Mike knew he had to talk with the doctor too about this. Maybe there was a way to get him eat better but he himself just didn't know it yet. He watched the man pick up the first sandwich and then relaxed next to him drinking his own coffee. His mind was just total whirlwind all the issues accumulating. Being afraid to get rejected was the first one in his mind. He knew the drummer was right and Brad didn't love him like he did him, but if Brad didn't know yet about his feelings it could scare him off.

 

Which could be also good thing if only the guitarist would get over it eventually. Cause it sure as hell would effect to their band chemistry. Kicking himself inwardly he was annoyed for the fact that he couldn't control his heart and that it was also messing up his thoughts. Watching Brad eat he wasn't surprised at all that he left the other sandwich untouched on the plate. Now he was a nervous wreck and decided that maybe it was just better to start the talking cause he couldn't avoid it either.

 

"Okay so I'll just... This is hard for me you know. First off all, the police has a lead. There was similar break in and attack near by. Rob called about that. The man, a victim... he didn't survive. I don't need to get into the details but he lost a lot of blood", Mike started.

 

He didn't know should he tell more and Brad's expression didn't give any clues.

 

"So I don't exactly know what are they planning next but anyhow they are investigating it", he continued knowing that what he would have to say next was the hardest part. How do you tell someone you love him when you already know how it will end but you still know you have to?

 

"The other thing is that.... fuck. I really can't put this out any differently. I love you. Like... well not the way a friend should. And I don't know did you hear me speak with Rob about it earlier. Cause he knows. I had to tell someone when I realized it and he has tried to keep me from not falling apart or ruining it all. When the attack happened and you seemed to be comfortable with me I was so fucking lost. So I just have to tell this now. I assume you know based on... well what happened yesterday. And I have to assure you that I am not trying to take advantage of you. I want to help cause that is what a friend should do. And if you're comfortable here, with me, I can't just ignore it and...", he stopped cause he felt like blabbering and didn't know what to say next.

 

Brad stared at his coffee cup that was empty and placed it then next to the plate on the table. If not before, now the silence was really killing Mike.

 

"So I understand if you want to go back home, or some of the guys help you. I shouldn't even do this since it is... awkward. I know it isn't reciprocated. I don't blame you for anything. Should I call Rob or Chester to pick you up?", he asked then feeling there was still lot he needed to say but didn't know how.

 

The guitarist glanced him briefly and shook then his head vigorously.

 

"Are you sure? This isn't awkward to you... after my confession. Sure you don't need to decide now. Even if you change your mind either way we can alw....", Mike started but was shut down quickly by pure confusion.

 

Brad jumped to his lap, straddling him. He was about to say something, just anything, but then the lips were on his. Rough and fierce and he thought he was about explode. Brad pulled away after what felt like an eternity even when it was just seconds.

 

"Brad you can't. I said I'm not trying to take advantage of you but this... This makes it look like I am. I wish I would know what goes in your head cause I am so...", the half Asian felt he was going to pass out.

 

The guitarist grabbed his cheeks tilting his head back and connected their lips again interrupting the other. Mike moaned in his mouth knowing Brad could easily feel his heart beat faster when their chests were pressed together. He tried to force himself not to move, not to encourage the other in any way, but somehow his hands trailed along Brad's back to his neck and further to the short curls. His mind was racing but same time it was like he didn't have a single clear thought. The lips felt heavenly but the fingers on his cheeks were sending tiny electric shocks throughout his body.

 

"Please don't. I'm confused and... you don't even tell why are you... Stop, please. You'll regret it later", he muttered when the guitarist had to break the kiss to catch his breath.

 

Brad studied him, his dark eyes dead serious. Mike could almost feel them invading. Searching and probing around.

 

"Don't push me away", the guitarist repeated his words from yesterday.

 

"I don't... I don't want to but you know this isn't good. You don't love me back, and I don't want you to pretend you do. Or what ever this is. I'm still so fucking confused", Mike breathed feeling the fingertips now burn his skin.

 

"What if...", Brad started but stopped then.

 

"No. Don't. Don't say it. You're breaking my heart if you do. Even more than it already is. Cause it isn't real", the half Asian shook his head.

 

The other sighed and bit his lip thinking something. But then he shook his head and kissed him again. Mike knew he should leave the situation, just escape, but his heart was telling him to stay. He had dreamt of the kiss so many times that when it was finally happening he wanted it to last forever. Not that he wouldn't count the first two but now he had told about his feelings towards the other and that they weren't supposed to be doing this. So in his mind he thought he had done all that he could. And if Brad was still voluntarily kissing him there wasn't really anything he could do. Than to run.

 

Then there was the warm tongue exploring his mouth and he knew he had lost it. No way he could turn back now. Cursing himself mentally he let his fingers tangle into the soft curls and purred when the kiss turned hungrier, demanding more. For a moment he thought all the pain and confusion was washed away with one continuing greedy kiss. And then it ended.

 

But Brad didn't move. He broke the kiss and stayed there. Staring into the dark pools and his lips ghosting on Mike's he was even more comfortable than before. His palms were still pressed on Mike's cheeks the thumbs brushing the skin carefully. Mike swallowed hard not daring to move. Cause what ever he would do could destroy the moment. Brad closed his eyes and what Mike saw next made his heart jump. The guitarist smiled. First time after the attack he smiled properly. That was a glimpse of the old Brad, the one Mike had missed.

 

"I have missed that smile. You don't even know how much", he whispered lowering his tingling hands.

 

"But this is still wrong", he continued watching Brad's expression.

 

"No. I don't feel wrong", the guitarist breathed still smiling and Mike was startled.

 

The half Asian gasped. "You spoke. Brad you spoke again. More than... how.... God I'm confused."

 

Brad tilted his head thinking something and sighed then. "I'm sorry."

 

"Don't apologize that you're talking. Or that you don't. It is really hard for me that you don't, cause I don't know what you think or feel. But I don't blame you for that. But... You know how weird... I should stop this... what ever this is what we are doing. Then again, I can't. It feels so good that you're here. And smiling, which is the most important thing", Mike brushed his cheek and even that made him feel awkward. The words just fall out of his mouth even when he knew he probably shouldn't say them out loud.

 

"So... I don't know what I am supposed to do now", he said then almost flinching when Brad lowered his hands placing them on his chest gripping slightly to the t-shirt fabric.

 

The guitarist stared at him for a while before he dropped his head pressing his forehead to Mike's neck and tightened his grip on the shirt. "I don't know either. Just don't push me away."

 

Wrapping his arms around the other he exhaled sharply. "You know I won't. I would never say no to you."

 

Brad's cast was pressing onto his chest but he didn't care. Happiness wasn't really a word for what he was feeling considering all horrible things revolving around them, but something good it was. The guitarist clinging to him like he was the last straw, breathing calmly. And he didn't want to let go.

 

\------


	11. There's a fragile game we play

\--------

 

"Brad? Do you wanna help?", Mike called his hands covered in raw pizza dough.

 

Few days had passed since the last incident and Brad had fallen back to his non-speaking state. Again. Mike didn't know was Brad trying to avoid him or just was it just something else. It was like there was an on-off switch and he somehow had accidentally switched it on and now back off. Or maybe it was turning off automatically cause he couldn't figure out anything he had done differently. Now he had gotten an idea and hoped that maybe it could work. The guitarist turned to look at him and just stared.

 

"Please? This needs more flour and I don't want to make a mess", he smiled showing his hands for the other.

 

Brad nodded then and walked slowly next to him, cautiously watching his face.

 

"Just sprinkle some flour there, I'll say when it is enough", Mike gestured towards the bag.

 

The other followed the instructions and stood still waiting what would happen next.

 

"What do you think. One large one or two smaller?", the emcee asked. He knew he wouldn't get an answer but he thought he wouldn't want to act like the other wasn't understanding him. Or that Brad's opinion didn't matter to him.

 

Brad shrugged and started to back off.

 

"Two maybe then. Oh, that's my phone! Could you hold it on my ear?", he said when his phone started to rang. Probably Rob since they hadn't talked in few days. Not after he had told about the kiss. And he knew he should have talked about what had happened but he didn't know how. He was even more confused than before and saying it out loud turned to be even more difficult.

 

The guitarist picked up the phone and after opening the line he pressed it against Mike's ear.

 

"I call you as soon as they called me. Mike the police are on their way to there. They want to talk with Brad", the drummer said his voice rough.

 

"But he doesn't talk", Mike mumbled trying to ignore the fact that Brad was just beside him.

 

"I told it to them. But they are investigating it as first degree and I felt they are rather desperate to find the killer", the other answered.

 

"Right. Well... Okay", Mike mumbled. Talking to a police was the last thing he had in mind for that day.

 

Rob sighed. "So just heads up. How is it going?"

 

"Brad is holding my phone. I am making pizza for us. Dough and all", the half Asian said feeling distracted. He really didn't want to talk with the cops. Nor wanted them to talk with Brad. Cause he knew it wouldn't help anything if Brad didn't remember.

 

"That's all. You sound... Suspicious", Rob knew him way too well.

 

"Dammit. I said he is holding my phone!", Mike almost yelled.

 

Like he could add that yeah they kissed again and it was like heaven and he doesn't know where to now. He wanted it to be true but he knew Brad didn't love him like that. He couldn't. And it hurt so much more when he knew it was just temporary. A phase. And then it would be all over and Brad would go back to his wife. The woman that slapped him. Which angered him more.

 

But then the doorbell rang and his train of thought derailed.

 

"Heard that. That's the police now", Rob sighed.

 

"Second!", Mike yelled towards the door and started to wipe the dough off of his hands. "I'll call you later", he said for Rob.

 

Brad placed the phone on table after hanging up and stared at him like a lost puppy.

 

"Just sit down. They won't eat you", the emcee tried to encourage him. He knew Brad wasn't stupid. Just not speaking. But he was still hurt and softer talk was never bad.

 

He watched the guitarist sit on the couch and went then to open the door.

 

"Mr. Shinoda? We got told Mr. Delson is staying with you. We have few questions for him if you don't mind", two police officers showed their badges and stepped in before he even answered. The younger police was a man and the older was a woman.

 

"He doesn't talk. So that's a problem if you want answers to your questions", Mike muttered.

 

"So we got told. Mr. Delson. Now it would be really good time to speak if you remember anything. We are in investigating a murder in first degree and somehow you were targeted first. We don't know why and was the intention to kill you too", the woman said.

 

Mike was already getting mad. How dare they come here and demand in such ugly manner for Brad to speak. "Do you have any idea what has he been through? He doesn't have to talk."

 

"Mr. Shinoda we understand how hard it must be. But the murderer left behind a grieving wife and a two year old child. We want to do everything possible to find him", now the younger police officer spoke.

 

Mike glanced at Brad who was staring at him looking scared. Then he remembered the notepad and what Brad had written. He picked it up from the table and gave to the woman. "This is what he wrote some days ago. I have... well I have tried to ask but.. as you can see."

 

They both read the writing and nodded giving the notepad back to the half Asian. "This is something. Do you remember anything else? Or maybe someone that would have threatened you before?"

 

Brad was still looking at Mike. He didn't want to talk. Even less now than before. Not cause what had happened but cause he was mortified that he couldn't remember. If he could have remembered before and talked, maybe the other person would have been still alive. He shook his head slowly and then dropped it gazing the floor.

 

Mike wanted to stroke his back. To make sure Brad knew he was there, on his side. But then there were the two police looking at them and he squeezed his fists to tight balls reminding himself that it wasn't appropriate.

 

"What about the cameras? Some neighbor had them, right?", he tried hopefully.

 

"Unfortunately they weren't real. Just shells to make burglars think there are cameras. Mr. Delson this is serious. A man has died. If you know anything you need to speak! We don't want to take you to the station but...", the woman started but was interrupted soon.

 

Mike was about to yell them to fuck off and that they couldn't force him but Brad was quicker. He gasped and eyes filled with fear climbed over the back rest of the couch and ran to the bedroom slamming the door behind. The half Asian sighed annoyed by the whole situation.

 

"I said he doesn't talk or remember. I know it would be good if he would, but he doesn't. Not at least yet. So please leave us alone and him recover properly so we can continue our lives. If he does remember anything I will contact you. As I would have anyway, even before the other person was attacked", Mike said trying to remain calm.

 

The younger officer glanced at the older and then the closed bedroom door. "We will keep you updated. Than you for your time Mr. Shinoda."

 

They nodded in unison and left. Mike ran straight away to the bedroom scared what would wait him there. Brad was sitting in the corner of the room looking surprisingly calm but the fear was still in his eyes. Mike crouched in front of him and noticed instantly the blood under his fingernails. He had scratched again his arm and the emcee started to see some pattern.

 

"Brad you can't do that. I already expla... Fuck. Seriously no matter what I do I feel like we are just going backwards. If it is cause of me just tell it, okay? Cause like I said I can... we can arrange it. I want to help you Brad but if you continue this I don't know what I am... I anyway don't know what I am supposed to do but for fuck's sake I am lost!", he let out a series of words and grabbed the arm to look at the wounds.

 

The guitarist gasped when the bold grip twisted his arm even though he knew Mike didn't want to hurt him but the opposite.

 

Mike was relieved when there was no new ones, just some scabs opened. He traced his finger slowly over them checking that they didn't bleed too much. He was just about to get up and get a disinfectant when Brad grabbed him and pushed roughly making him lose his balance and fall on his back with a yelp. He wanted to ask what the hell was happening but Brad was already on top of him fusing their lips together aggressively.

 

His mind went blank. Just a void echoing it's emptiness. But then it all rushed back in filling all of his nerves, tingling. He didn't care, couldn't care what this was. It was only two of them there, entwining to each other. Wrapping his legs around Brad waist he pulled him closer desperately wanting to feel every inch of him. His hands trailed quickly to the guitarist's hair pushing his fingers through the strands.

 

When Brad's hands reached under his shirt he let out chain of tiny whimpers, trying to force the thoughts away that tried to make him rationalize the situation. The soft lips attacking his were heavenly. He felt a breath got stuck in his throat and Brad's fingers dug onto his sides almost painfully the cast scratching his skin. It wasn't that what burned, but the slender fingers roaming across his ribs. It was like he was being swallowed whole, falling into some deep, soft and warm place where there was nothing else than their joined bodies and lips devouring each other.

 

Gasping for air Brad pulled away leaving few inches between their faces. Mike thought that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Brad's eyes were gleaming and his lips red. Mike couldn't fathom this was happening again. It really felt like he had started it. Back when he Brad heard their talk in phone with Rob. But he certainly didn't start this. And there he was, laying on the hard floor. Staring to those same eyes as he had stared so many times before, knowing he could never really have him.

 

"Mike", the other murmured.

 

"You're talking again. Please continue, please Brad", Mike breathed.

 

"I can't", Brad but his lip but didn't turn his gaze.

 

The half Asian raised his brows. "But you just did. Like that."

 

"I mean with the police, others. I can't. I can't remember and cause of that I don't want to talk. It's humiliating. I should remember, but I can't", Brad mumbled.

 

"That's not your fault. But could you... we don't have to talk about that. Just talk to me. About something. Anything. You shut down again for few days after opening up just a little. I don't need you to talk about what happened if that's what you want. It would be good. You shouldn't dwell in it. But if you don't want to, I would rather hear you talk about weather than nothing at all", the emcee sighed happy that the other didn't weigh more cause he would have been squashed otherwise.

 

Brad stared at him not knowing what to answer. Maybe he was contenting to the silence. But every time he had thought of speaking the words got stuck to his throat. These, sudden glimpses of happiness, acted as a catalyst. Something had happened but he didn't know what it was.

 

"Are you okay?", Mike said when the other was frowning.

 

"Yeah. I just... I don't want to get up. Or to be honest this is... kinda uncomfortable even when I don't want....", Brad started but his words faded then.

 

"This is so fucking awkward. I have no idea what we are doing. But if you want to continue laying on top of me, the bed on the other side of the room would be more comfortable", the half Asian said feeling his cheeks flush.

 

I didn't just suggest us to move to the bed, did I, he thought.

 

But Brad nodded and slowly got back to his feet and helped Mike up. Actively Mike was still trying to push away all the voices in his head, that were trying to make him realize they shouldn't be doing this, but the guitarist pushing him forward and him falling on the bed was fighting against the thoughts. Cause the feeling was there and it was perhaps the best thing ever.

 

He felt himself melting and trembling under Brad when he connected their lips again. Tongues tracing over each other and the guitarist returning the cold hands under his shirt made his heart thud louder. Mike caressed Brad's cheeks and went then back to rake his hair.

 

I don't know what I'm doing, his mind repeated over and over again when Brad moaned in his mouth. He couldn't comprehend it all. Not a single thing why this was happening made sense to him. But the hands feeling him out and the soft lips sending tiny electric shocks were making enough sense to him.

 

"Brad", he whispered in return taking a breath. "I love you just too much."

 

The guitarist swallowed hard and then there was the smile again.

 

\--------


	12. I wanna know the answers

\--------

 

Next morning when Mike opened his eyes Brad was snuggled up to his chest but his eyes were open. The beautiful eyes were staring straight at him, so deep and meaningful.

 

"What the hell are we doing? What are you doing to me?", he breathed running a hand through Brad's hair. He loved how he had started to grey, looking even more handsome than before.

 

"I don't know", the other mumbled back.

 

"Are you talking again or just....", the emcee frowned.

 

"I don't know", Brad answered staring at him.

 

Mike sighed trying to contain himself. "What... Brad I need to know. What do you think?"

 

"I don't know", Brad's turn to frown.

 

"That's lots of not knowing Brad", the half Asian pointed out dropping his hand.

 

"I know", the other said and grinned then.

 

"Glad you're finding this amusing. I'm happy to see you smile but I would be even more happy if you would tell me what the fuck this is. The confusion hasn't gone anywhere you know? The first kiss I could have just... Well brushed off but after that, nope. Especially after yesterday", Mike tried to explain himself but felt that he was failing. How do you tell a hurt person that he is messing up your head and probably breaking your heart. In a way that he isn't even more hurt afterwards.

 

"Mike... I really don't know. Does it matter? If... It's fine like this. If we are... happy like this. Do you have to analyze what it is?", the guitarist bit his lip feeling uncomfortable cause of the questioning.

 

"Yeah. Cause it's wrong. You're married. What about Elisa? I shouldn't have let you kiss me in the first place! You're a mess and just... Well I don't know. That's why I am thinking about it. Is this your way to escape the attack and all that", Mike sighed and tugged the lip free with his thumb.

 

Brad flinched slightly under the touch making Mike startle.

 

He shook then his head, "I don't want to talk about her."

 

"You have to. Or at least think. Cause y...", the half Asian started but the words got stuck in his throat when Brad closed the gap between them and kissed him hungrily.

 

The lips were bruising, consuming him while the hand was again on his skin, exploring. Brad was rigid against him, crashing their chests together and he was melting, completely willing. Brad's hand stopped on his upper back, the slim fingers pressing to the muscles. Nips on his lower lip made shivers run through him and he moaned not wanting to stop. But when Brad pulled him even closer connecting their lower bodies, he realized how hard he suddenly was and that the other must have felt it, he panicked. 

 

Backing away he gasped for air feeling a lump on his throat choking him.

 

"Fuck. Sorry, I... I don't...", he mumbled blushing furiously and freezing.

 

Brad reached his hand trying to touch him, "I don't... mind."

 

He shook his head furiously backing away further, almost falling to the floor and then stumbling to his own feet while trying to keep his balance.

 

"No no no no! Yes you do! You have to! You... Fuck!", he raised his voice in frustration.

 

"Mike", the guitarist started to get up.

 

The other threw his hands in the air. "I can't. I just... It's too much and too confusing. Too... everything."

 

The cacophony in his head, all thoughts arguing, was also too much. Brad was about to open his mouth but Mike interrupted him. He was talking finally but Mike didn't want to hear what he was about to say.

 

"I'm not pushing you away. I promise. But I need to call Rob. We need to talk with him. He... he should know what to do. This is getting out of my hands. I don't know was it even ever in my hands but...", he muttered and with one final look he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and exhaling deeply left the room.

 

"Rob. I need... we need to talk with you. Could you come over?", he tried to remain calm but the choking feeling wouldn't leave him alone.

 

"Oh... Okay. I'll be there in a few", the drummer answered and frowned when Mike hang up not saying a single word more.

 

Mike sat on the couch drawing his legs to his chest. He couldn't believe this all. His mind just wouldn't fathom it all. Maybe he was just dreaming and this huge mess would end to him waking up. He just didn't know was it a nightmare or a good dream.

 

Kicking himself inwardly he went to the kitchen knowing he should feed the guitarist. Not like he could make the sandwiches with one hand. Or even want. And Brad shouldn't lose anymore weight.

 

Soon he noticed Brad was staring at him at the doorway again, looking as confused as he himself probably looked. Mike tried to ignore him for a while but then just couldn't.

 

"Rob is coming here. I'll just make this ready so we can eat", he said feeling like he was just avoiding the subject.

 

Brad sat on the couch to the familiar place and waited patiently. Mike poured the coffee to their cups and brought then the plates and coffees in the coffee table. Brad took his cup right away and leaned back to the couch.

 

"Are you falling back to not talking or just trying to... avoid me?", Mike sighed. He certainly wasn't blaming Brad if he was.

 

"I'm sorry", the guitarist mumbled barely audibly.

 

Mike shook his head. "No. You don't have to apologize. I should. Cause that... I just want to know what goes in the thick skull of yours cause you're tearing me apart and... Brad, I am so freaking lost. I need to know what is happening."

 

Same time there was a knock on the door and Mike sighed heavily before he went to open the door. Rob stepped in staring at them and he noticed instantly that there was something going on.

 

"What's wrong?", he sat down locking his eyes with Mike.

 

Brad bit his lip and placed the coffee cup to the table. He knew what was coming but it was inevitable.

 

"I don't know really. He kissed me again. And few times again. Then he fell back to not talking. And then the police came... They were rude, trying to force him to talk. To remember. He didn't like it which wasn't a surprise. After they left he kissed me again. And... and he smiled and it was the best thing ever", Mike glanced at the guitarist carefully.

 

"Brad. What the fuck do you think you're doing?", Rob gasped.

 

"Rob! It's not his fault!", the half Asian yelped not believing his ears.

 

"If you want my help you have to listen. This thing... He is married and you should move on. Except if...", the other tried to explain but stopped then cause he couldn't dare to say it out loud.

 

"This is so fucking awkward to talk about in the first place. I'm grown up man and this is ridiculous. All of it! The attack, my feelings, this...", Mike threw his hands in the air groaning.

 

Then he saw Brad scratch again the scabs and he knew this was bugging him more than himself. He grabbed the hand gently to stop it. Brad sighed dropping his head.

 

"Yeah. He does that too. And bites his lip almost hard enough to draw blood. And eats way too little. So what the hell am I supposed to do?", Mike mumbled.

 

"You two are literally killing me. What are you gonna do when we begin the tour? I still assume it's happening. If you will continue this then... the guys need to know. And Elisa", the drummer stared now at Brad.

 

"Do we... do I have to decide now. I don't know. Really I don't. I wish I could", the guitarist glanced at Mike his brains working so hard.

 

"Oh yeah. He talks too, at least some. But more than before", Mike nodded when Rob stared at him eyes wide in surprise.

 

"But you did that", Rob sighed in disbelief. It was a huge mess and way more serious than he had thought. If Brad had feelings it could be a good thing. If it would last. And he talked. Mike has gotten him to that state, no one else. But then there was the sad woman calling him almost daily and asking how Brad was.

 

"So if... I'm comfortable like this. It's not wrong. The rest can wait, right?", the guitarist squeezed his hand to get Mike's attention, causing him to flinch.

 

"But the thing is.... Brad. If you don't have feelings then you will break his heart. And that's just unfair to all of us. I don't want to be an asshole but since I am the one dealing with the shit with the management I have to think about the band too. What happens if we go back touring and you get back to your normal self? You can't even look at Mike then and just regret it all", Rob shook his head. "Now you're just feeding him thoughts and emotions... And then, when you pull them away... What do you think is left?"

 

It was Mike's turn to bite his lip. He wanted to cry and scream, and still he just sat there with two of his best friends. The other just a person he also loved. More than anything.

 

"So what do you want Brad?", Rob continued the inquiring.

 

Brad shook his head. "I don't know. I only know that I am comfortable here, with Mike. He... makes me feel like I'm alive. I don't want to go back... home. And I hate that I don't remember. It's... horrible. A constant reminder that something bad happened."

 

"That means you have some feelings. If you don't want to go back to your wife. Which you have been married for years I remind you", the drummer arched his brow.

 

Mike could almost see Brad's brains calculating one plus one before he glanced at him letting the words roll out of his mouth. "Guess so. Which was why I wasn't uncomfortable this morning."

 

"Right...", Mike mumbled. This was headed to a direction he couldn't even foresee. It was like he was standing in total darkness the only light being Brad beside him, but not lighting enough for him to see in front of him.

 

"Wait now you lost me. What happened in the morning?", the drummer frowned his eyes bouncing back and forth between them.

 

He thought he had never seen Mike blush like that. Except when he told about his feelings towards Brad.

 

"I... He was kissing me and I got aroused. I panicked cause he felt it before I was able to back down", Mike just wanted to disappear. The whole situation was awkward, beyond uncomfortable and he didn't understand why Brad wasn't already running.

 

"Oh. Shit. And you're fine with that? Cause you caused that. It's not like he hasn't dreamt of...", Rob pushed his glasses with the tip of his index finger and cleared his throat.

 

Thanks for being so blunt, Mike thought cringing.

 

But Brad didn't even think cause the answer was ready. "Yeah. Why... Wouldn't I be? I was the first to kiss him anyway."

 

"This is even more confusing than you not talking and he being that weird miserable being. But who am I to say that you should stop. If you love him back then... Well that's just a good thing. For you two at least", Rob tried to comprehend the situation.

 

"Wait, whoa! Who said anything about loving?", Mike was objecting. Stronger feelings maybe, but love was totally another thing.

 

Brad tensed up not knowing where to turn his gaze. Cause he couldn't admit it to himself. That meant he would have to say it out loud too. And after all, ignorance is a bliss.

 

"Fuck... You really love me back. Like... really", Mike gasped in shock. Hell no, his mind was yelling. Can't be true.

 

The guitarist shifted on the couch. "Yeah. Took time for me to admit it for myself."

 

Rob stared at Mike who looked like he was about to pass out, but same time like he was going to panic and run away.

 

And Mike stared at Brad waiting for an eye contact. "I'm still reluctant to believe it."

 

But when Brad turned to look at him he knew the man wasn't lying. If anything, after all those years he had gotten to know Brad so well that he could tell when he was lying. The eyes were clear and honest.

 

"You know that makes me the happiest man on the planet", he mumbled still staring at the brown eyes.

 

"And this makes it even more complicated. Perhaps not so sad for you two, but...", the drummer arched his brow feeling suddenly aware for all the tension in the room.

 

"And I think that's a cue for me to leave. We'll talk the rest later. Oh! Almost forgot. Chester had been speaking with people in Twitter and Instagram. They are still worried but you know how good he is with people. The management wants the interview done at some point though which they reminded me. And Brad... Keep talking. Glad to see you getting out of that shell. We missed you a lot", the drummer stood up.

 

"Rob. Thank you", Mike let out a relieved sigh.

 

The other shook his head. "Don't mention it. You know I would do anything to make it better between you two."

 

Mike watched him leave and leaned then back on the couch. Somehow now he felt more awkward than before, but he guessed the feeling wouldn't probably last long.

 

"So that happened", he mumbled wondering what was the next thing to happen.

 

"I'm... kinda glad it did", Brad glanced at him lifting his eyebrow, "Even if I thought it would be bad."

 

Could this be this easy?, Mike thought.

 

"So if I ask you to come here and kiss me it won't be awkward and you would do it cause you love me?", he asked feeling his heart skip a beat.

 

Brad didn't even answer. Quickly he climbed to Mike's lap wrapping his thin arms around the shoulders and after a beautiful smile, fused their lips together again.

 

\------


	13. The body bends until it breaks

\-------

 

Next morning started as usual. Mike woke up before Brad and went to make the breakfast. His mind was racing, things appearing that he thought he never would even have to figure out. He was still uncertain, and didn't fathom that Brad could actually really love him. And if it really was true, what then? The man was still married. Rob was still the only one who new. It would destroy the band if the others would find out. And it's not like they could actually be together anyway. Even if there wouldn't be Elisa and even if the band would accept them.

 

His previous happy, calm mood turned to gloominess. He tried to ignore the feeling, cause it still wouldn't change things. No matter what, he couldn't abandon Brad. To push him away. Especially not now.

 

Finishing with the breakfast he glanced at his phone and realized it was the shower day. He tried to keep it on certain days so he wouldn't forget it. And now it probably would be more awkward than before, just in a different way. Which made him think yet again other stuff that would have never before even crossed his mind.

 

And there the guitarist was again standing in the doorway, like usually.

 

"Morning. Just a second", he glanced over his shoulder at the other.

 

Brad nodded and went to sit down in the couch. He was on the edge but couldn't understand why. Sure things had changed between them, but it was supposed to be to the better.

 

"Again not talking?", Mike frowned pouring the coffee.

 

Brad shook his head shifting. "No."

 

"Talking or not talking?", the half Asian brought the cups to the coffee table.

 

"You know what I mean", Brad rolled his eyes and took his coffee.

 

"Maybe. How did you sleep?", Mike talked while he want back to fetch the plates. French toast again today.

 

"Fine. The cast is annoying", the guitarist took a more comfortable position on the couch.

 

"Not that long to go anymore. Which leads to the thing that... today should be a shower day. You fine with it or... I can always call Rob to help. Or Chester if that's better for you", the other sighed and sat down next to him. The choking feeling was still there, bugging him.

 

"Nothing has changed", Brad started to cut the toast keeping his eyes on the plate.

 

The emcee glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "I would disagree on that."

 

"Yeah but... Not that it would make the shower any more awkward than it was before", Brad mumbled.

 

"Sorry. You know I suggested back then that one of the guys should do it", the other tilted his head wondering.

 

The guitarist sighed. "No Mike, I meant for you. I know it has to be done. But it would be more awkward... well to me if some of the guys would do it."

 

"Right. Yeah. You probably could sense how I felt each time. God we're such a mess. And I... I still feel weird that you... say you feel the same towards me. You know?", Mike turned to face him, crossing his legs.

 

Brad got lost in his thoughts for a while before he opened his mouth again. "So you want me to prove it?"

 

"No! Brad, god! Didn't mean that! It takes time for me to understand it. You were silent for a long time, and it was such contrast to your normal self. And then add there the physical aspect and how messed up I was cause I almost lost you. And then my feelings added on top of that. And next you kiss me. And then you tell me you love me back. So now... It's like... I know it's a good thing, even if it doesn't lead anywhere. But the thing is this all has happened so fast. My brains can't keep up", Mike raked his hair still feeling so lost.

 

"And I still don't know how to act around you", he continued afraid of the reaction.

 

"You don't need to 'act' at all. Just be yourself", Brad furrowed his brows.

 

"After hiding my true feelings for this long it isn't so easy. Besides if I really would... do what I want... I would probably scare you off. So... yeah Brad. I can't", Mike sighed ready for the other to get mad.

 

"Okay. I get it. But try anyway? I don't... think you can scare me off. Would have ran yesterday already if.... ", Brad felt a small smirk spread on his lips.

 

And Mike couldn't help the blush that covered his cheeks. Jeez, how can I ever be normal around him. Feel like a school girl in front of her first crush, he thought.

 

"That was just horrible. Should have contained myself", the emcee mumbled then.

 

"Don't feel bad cause of that. But could we... Do the shower now? I want to get over with it. Besides I'm cold", Brad said lifting the plate on the table.

 

"Sure! Wait just a second I'll gather the stuff. No need to cover the wounds up again I think though, but I'll clean them anyway. Better to be safe than sorry", Mike nodded and got up. He needed to call the doctor and check out when the cast would be taken off.

 

Brad drank down the last of the coffee and followed then Mike to the bathroom. Already used to the task Mike did all as he had done before. Cover for the cast, clothes off of Brad, make sure towel is ready and so on.

 

When Brad was under the water Mike watched his facial expressions carefully, and same time tried to remain calm. Brad was chewing his bottom lip and trying to keep his eyes on the tiles.

 

"You okay?", Mike frowned when Brad exhaled loudly.

 

The guitarist glanced at him shortly. "No. Don't know. Fuck."

 

And then Mike was pulled under the stream, lips pushed on his. He was startled and didn't even realize he was soaked up before Brad broke the kiss. But the sparkle in Brad's eyes was what made Mike's heart beat so fast that he thought it was going to explode. They stood there just staring at each other. Maybe the whole world stopped moving, maybe not. They wouldn't have known it.

 

"Fuck. I'm sorry", Brad suddenly woke up from his trance realizing Mike was dripping wet.

 

Mike shook his head smirking. "Let's handle you ready."

 

But his heart was still beating out from his chest and he felt he could faint. Brad wasn't fucking around. He couldn't. The look on his eyes was maybe even more genuine than the day before.

 

When they had gotten Brad washed and rinsed he helped him under a towel and the cover off of the cast, and then finally glanced at himself. He was soaked, there was no other way around him. Luckily he had been wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants only. And it didn't bother him at all. Especially when he noticed that Brad was blushing. The guitarist was really blushing and Mike thought that was probably the cutest thing ever. And then a voice in the back of his head reminded that he was an adult man and wasn't supposed to go giddy.

 

"Can we... I'm cold. Again", Brad mumbled a smirk visible on his face.

 

"Oh! Yeah, sorry I... Go on to pick up some clothes, I'll follow", Mike nodded. He just stood there, dripping. Undressing in front of Brad felt weird. Awkward. Even when it would make them then equal. Both equally awkward of being naked and seeing the other naked. Not like it was the first time but it was way intimate situation than any other time before.

 

As the other had left he got quickly rid of the wet clothes and grabbed his towel and followed Brad to the bedroom. Brad had already chosen a long sleeved red shirt and sweatpants, his favorites, and was sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

"So weird that you like those particular ones", Mike smiled looking at him.

 

"Remind you the most. And they're really soft", the guitarist let his brown eyes travel to Mike's bare chest now making himself to blush.

 

God this is awkward, the emcee thought and went to pick his own clothes. Another laundry day soon he realized when there was only another pair of sweatpants available. He tossed them onto the bed and went to help the guitarist.

 

And it was exactly like Mike thought, awkward. The silence now mostly. As he was about to take the shirt from the bed a slim finger stopped just over the edge of the towel, making him hold his breath. Then there was another finger, and another and soon they curled under the towel, tugging it. Mike's eyes didn't leave Brad's. He couldn't, he couldn't move at all. He gasped when Brad pulled harder making him lose his balance and fall on top of him. Then the same fingers were on his hair, traveling through the still wet strands stopping at the back of his head and pulling him closer.

 

"What the hell are we doing?", Mike gasped still keeping his eyes on the brown eyes that were so beautiful, so deep.

 

"Don't know. But I don't know should it matter", the other murmured softly.

 

"I feel weird. Like... I'm not supposed to be doing this", the half Asian shifted trying to keep his weight off of the other.

 

"You'll get through it. Maybe if I... ", Brad grabbed his hand and slowly placed it on his own cheek, watching Mike's expressions, waiting for a mood change. Waiting for him to relax or back down.

 

Mike's breathing hitched and he was more than aware how the muscles in his other arm were getting too tired.

 

"You need a shave. And a haircut. The curls are coming back", he mumbled enjoying the feel of Brad's cheek under his hand. Maybe the beard was getting too long, but it didn't really matter.

 

The guitarist smiled. "Is that what you have in mind?"

 

"That's one thing", Mike returned the smile, more shyly and then finally crashed beside the other. Yes, that was in his mind too. But he had said it out loud only so that he could escape the situation. He had wanted this long. And when it finally was there, possible, he only wanted to run. Being scared wasn't what he had thought he would be. Not in this situation.

 

He was about to apologize but Brad had already rolled over and then on him.

 

"I know Mike. I know. You see... It's not like you're alone with your feelings. But it... well this, it makes me calm. And happy. Don't know am I supposed to be happy, or like this... but it does. So...", the guitarist whispered staring at him.

 

God, I love him so much, Mike thought still frozen.

 

"Touch me. Please Mike", the other continued, pleading.

 

But Mike couldn't move his hands. He felt like he was glued to the bed.

 

"I know you're scared. I'm too", Brad shook his head and grabbed his hand trying to reassure him.

 

The emcee gasped and rolled his eyes in confusion. "Brad I don't know what... what I'm doing. What we are doing."

 

"You already told me that. I don't know either. I already told you that. But here, this... Mike it feels good. Just... Use your instinct", Brad muttered guiding Mike's hands to his ribs.

 

Mike couldn't believe how thin the man was. He felt even more thinner than he looked. So many questions and so little answers, he thought when he slowly traced his hand across the ribs wanting to feel every inch of that soft skin.

 

"I know you might not want to talk about it, but why now?", the emcee asked holding his breathe again. Maybe he was stupid to break that moment. Maybe he should have just continued. But he had to ask. At least one of the all questions.

 

"Why now what?", Brad frowned confused.

 

"The feelings... As I said it's so sudden", The half Asian bit his lip. He was nervous. Not only cause of the situation, or his questions, but cause of the answers. Or the lack of them.

 

"Life happens. Realizing it was quick but.... I can't deny that I didn't thought it before", the guitarist stared at him.

 

Mike watched the other roll beside him, just like he had done before. But Brad just squeezed in, closer, curling onto him. He didn't break the eye contact. Mike felt he could stare those eyes forever.

 

And Brad didn't feel cold anymore. There was something else warming him, from inside. He reached to kiss Mike's cheek, still feeling how on the edge the other was.

 

"Hey, you need to let go", he whispered and shifted. The bare skin was amazing against his own and it blew his mind.

 

He smiled and connected their lips again. Mike should have gotten used to that already, but he tensed up anyway. Brad being the initiator was weird, still. Then a hand was on his cheek caressing, thumb tracing the cheekbone and a tongue invading his mouth. He wrapped an arm around Brad's thin waist squeezing him tighter, closer.

 

Brad pressed into him hard with his body but with his lips too. His hand trailed forward to Mike's hair once again raking the strands as he grazed his teeth across Mike's lower lip, nipping it carefully. The ragged moan the emcee let out told him him everything he needed at that moment.

 

"Fuck... Brad", Mike barely got the words out when he felt Brad's arousal on his own cock answering to the feeling. "That's...."

 

"Yes Mike, I can feel too you know?", Brad grinned but still being totally serious.

 

His lips continued then further. Over Mike's beard to the neck leaving trail of kisses behind. As he reached the collarbone Mike's hand tightened on his side. He ground onto him, the towels being the only thing separating their hard ons creating delicious sensation. Continuing further down he stopped to admire the erect nipple before taking it into his mouth.

 

Mike arched his back when the warm wet lips encircled it and he was sure no one had ever given his nipples that much attention. But then Brad's hand caught their cocks. Grabbing them both to his strong grip he had to pause to take a breath himself. It felt way too good. Way too exciting. Completely new feeling spread throughout his body.

 

The half Asian whimpered not knowing how to be as Brad's long fingers tightened and stroked them both. He watched the other lean over to taste his other nipple too and his hand gripped Brad's hair. The hand continued and Mike had to force himself not to panic. A voice in his head tried to object but he pushed it away.

 

"Fuck fuck fuck...", Mike writhed feeling like his throat was sandpaper.

 

There was no way he could comprehend the situation. His best friend, a person that he loved, was stroking his cock. Their cocks. Brad was so hard against him and the wet lips were again on the nipple causing wonderful shivers run on his back. When the teeth grazed the bud he felt dizzy, so dizzy and happy.

 

Brad left the nipple alone and got back to his lips. He sucked at the bottom lip slowly before pushing his eager tongue in, Mike pulling him harder against himself. Their tongues swirled around, both of them wanting more.

 

And then the guitarist shuddered, the orgasm rushing over him and pulling under. And like that Mike was done. As he saw Brad squeeze his eyes shut and pause the kiss just so he could moan, Mike came crying out.

 

Both gasping for air and millions of thoughts running through their heads Brad collapsed on him. He was beyond dazed.

 

"My arm hurts", the guitarist mumbled.

 

"Brad! Shit sorry I...", Mike started to babble but stopped when the other turned to face him as he rolled on his back, grinning.

 

"So I can't joke anymore?", Brad arched his brow. "It does, but it's not that serious."

 

"Don't scare me like that", the half Asian kissed the tip of his nose.

 

"That was...", Brad bit down to his lip stroking Mike's cheek.

 

Mike stared at him, waiting for an answer. It was mind blowing, hot, fantastic and all that to him. But also weird and confusing. Still so fucking confusing.

 

"Amazing, I think", the other continued exhaling heavily.

 

"Totally can agree to that. And now you need a new shower. And I need one too, without clothes this time", Mike smirked.

 

But the best part that day wasn't what they had just done. But the fact that Brad bursted into laughter, his eyes sparkling with joy. Mike couldn't help but to think that maybe this was exactly what Brad needed. What they needed.

 

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! All reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated. If you have suggestions, ideas, anything leave a comment. Thank you again :)


	14. It's like a whirlwind inside of my head

\------

 

"There", Mike placed the plate in front of Brad who was sitting on his favorite place on Mike's couch.

 

Same thing. Every morning. Except that now everything was different. Way more than yesterday. Brad cuddled up instantly under his arm making him spill some of the coffee on his shirt.

 

"You okay?", Mike chuckled kissing the top of his head.

 

The other nodded shooting a quick glance at the emcee and dived then to his sandwich. Mike rolled his eyes annoyed that Brad didn't answer. Every single time he didn't answer with words Mike was afraid he had fallen back to the non-speaking state. And that would obviously be his fault then. At least now in the middle of the chaos.

 

"Are you already waiting for the shows?", he decided to ask.

 

Brad stopped to think. He wanted to be honest but he wasn't even sure about the answer. Then he sighed and started, "Well yeah. But then again no. I'm scared. And anxious. What if the arm doesn't heal properly? What if the deleted shows and all that backlashes at us? What if I have a mental breakdown and can't do it?"

 

"That's... What I was afraid of too. You know, when you didn't talk. I wondered what happens if you remain that way and then... well the broken arm is physical thing. I hope it heals. It's not like we can just change a guitarist. But you don't even know how scared I was that you stay that way. Non-talking, passive and really clingy. Not that I would mind the clingy part but with the guys... And during touring... So. Yeah. I was scared. I'm still scared", Mike mumbled.

 

"Nah you can just play my parts", Brad joked receiving only a stern glare from Mike. "God I'm just joking!"

 

"I know you are. But in this kind of situation... it wasn't a good one. Even if it would be possible I would never want to do it", the half Asian shook his head and downed the last drops of his coffee and put the mug to the coffee table.

 

"But that's good Brad. That you want to play. Right? Cause I was afraid also that you wouldn't want to, even if you could", he smiled then.

 

"I miss my guitars", Brad sighed placing his plate on the table. Empty plate.

 

Mike stared at it almost gaping and then returned to the subject. "So that leads us to the other subject."

 

"Mike don't", the other sighed and crawled to sit on his lap, straddling him.

 

The emcee was taken aback but placed then his hands on Brad's waist.

 

"We have to talk about it. You know that", he said emitting a deep sigh.

 

"No we don't. I don't want to", the guitarist shook his head and dipped down to kiss him.

 

Lips rubbed against his and as the hands reached his silky hair, tilting his head backwards Mike was already a wriggly mess. His heart was pounding and just Brad's scent was driving him insane. His scent, laced with Brad's own natural one.

 

"Fuck... Brad stop it", Mike gasped and pushed him farther.

 

"What, why? I thought you...", the guitarist frowned and was about to dive in again but Mike shook his head.

 

"Yes I do like it. I love it. But you're just trying to avoid the subject. It's not like... We have to talk it through", he grabbed the thinner man and started to push him off of him and stand up.

 

Brad cling to him as Mike tried to place him to the couch, wrapping his legs around his waist and pulling him again him trying to get closer.

 

"Brad! Quit it!", Mike groaned as the other's hand grabbed the front of his shirt forcing him to lean lower. He pushed against the couch with his hands so that he wouldn't fall on top of the other.

 

The guitarist stared at him eyes dark with desire and Mike couldn't comprehend it. He knew he should just leave the situation, once again. But then there was this tickle that wouldn't go away. Telling him to follow his instinct and let Brad have what he obviously wanted.

 

"You are making this really hard you know that", he breathed as Brad stretched his neck to nibble his lower lip.

 

"I kinda noticed", the guitarist cooed trying again to pull him closer.

 

"Oh for fuck's sake... I'm trying to be serious", the half Asian groaned objecting the actions.

 

"And I wasn't", Brad let his casted arm trail under Mike's shirt wanting to feel the tanned skin under his fingers.

 

"Brad please. You know I can't resist you. That... what you're doing... This is still wrong. We already crossed the line. I know we can't just go back but we have to talk about it", Mike said afraid that some of the words he let out of his mouth would scare Brad away.

 

Brad's eyes were sparkling even when he looked so determined. He squeezed his legs tighter and tilted his head slightly. "I think... the lines have been crossed more than once and in many different ways. And I still don't care."

 

"I hear you. But that doesn't justify it. Still", Mike huffed but got only a shook of head in return.

 

"I still don't care. And I said I will prove it to you", the other mumbled.

 

"No Brad you can't think like that", Mike groaned and tried to get up but Brad's legs weren't giving in.

 

"I don't know what the hell goes in your head but you have to feel this. I'm not pretending", the guitarist gasped frowning.

 

"I can feel that. I can feel this. Us. Brad there's nothing else than feels. That's the problem", the emcee mumbled feeling torn.

 

"Don't patronize me", Brad sighed shifting still letting his hand travel further up Mike's back.

 

"I'm not. I just... I have to think this all. I maybe... didn't think before but I have to now. Someone has to", the half Asian said knowing he was just at that point, pushing Brad away.

 

"Mike. Stop the talking already. Now, I'm begging", the other whispered squeezing his legs even harder.

 

"Brad, seriously you can't...", Mike shook his head feeling paralyzed. This was apparently it. Leave or give in, and Mike's brain wasn't functioning.

 

The guitarist rolled his eyes frustrated and annoyed by the whole situation. He grabbed the shirt harder and pulled the emcee down to a kiss. As he fused their lips together Mike shuddered and he had to clench his fingers to the couch cushion so that he wouldn't fall.

 

"Do I really have to say it out loud? I thought you already noticed yesterday how much I want this", the guitarist paused the kiss flushed and licking his lip.

 

Mike was about to answer but the other leaned up. He pulled away and Brad followed his motions as closely as possible.

 

"Then I'm doing it. Just fuck me already okay?", he breathed nipping Mike's lower lip. "And don't fucking dare to say no."

 

The guitarist let Mike lift him to his lap and carry to the bedroom. Now he was working without thinking. Cause there was no way any of his thoughts could allow this to happen. As he laid Brad on the bed and managed to take his shirt off he stopped. But the pleading on Brad's eyes was strong. It was pulling him, captivating him.

 

And then the hand was on him again grabbing the fabric of his sweatpants. Mike watched it disappear under the waistband and grab his member that had been hard for so long already. He gasped and threw his head back enjoying the feeling. It certainly didn't need any help to get harder but the fingers felt so good.

 

Brad breathed and stared at the emcee before he released his grip and pulled him on top of him, the other finally yielding in. Ripping the shirt off of the emcee now gaping at the sight.

 

"Seriously Mike. I'm coming right here if you don't do something soon", he bit his lip. He craved to feel the other already.

 

The emcee started to pull his pants off and blushed at the sight. Brad was rock hard and awaiting. And still Mike's mind was objecting. Not that he wouldn't want this. His own cock was twitching painfully and still he was unsure.

 

"Brad it's... dammit. This is so awkward. I have no idea what I am supposed to do", he blushed and felt his cheeks get even redder when Brad snickered softly.

 

"I think you need the lube first. And take your own pants off", he sighed smiling. He wanted it so badly but it was pretty much the quickest they could proceed.

 

Mike turned to the bedside table after he had get his pants off. He wondered did he really have it still there and what then if he didn't, but there it was still. Brad was staring him trying to keep breathing normally.

 

"Calm down. It should be you though telling me that", he whispered when Mike stared at the bottle frozen.

 

Slowly he pulled the emcee on the bed kissing the lips. Then Mike watched him coat his finger with the lube. As he was about to ask was Brad sure, like really sure the guitarist shook his head smiling like he had read his mind. And then he watched shocked as Brad pushed his lube coated finger inside him holding his breath.

 

"Fuck that's...", he gulped loudly his index finger deep inside the other.

 

Brad grabbed his another hand kissing the knuckles softly. "Just move it already. Slowly."

 

Mike obeyed now scrutinizing Brad's facial features. Brad hummed and bit down to his lip again surprised how good it felt. But he wanted much more.

 

"Another", he gasped shakily staring at the brown eyes that were same time yearning and electrified but also scared and confused.

 

Mike obeyed drawing a whine from Brad's lips. The feeling was galvanizing. Brad was there desiring him. Hungry for more, alluring and breath already hitching.

 

"Please. More", Brad pleaded chewing his lip.

 

The half Asian pulled his fingers away carefully and applied more lube, now on his cock. He choked and stared at the guitarist like waiting for a final confirmation that it was fine. His thoughts were spinning fast. Adjusting himself he waited now for the objection. But Brad was only breathing heavily staring at him his eyes so clear that he wanted it.

 

"Mike. It's okay", the guitarist said finally and reached to grab the back of his head bringing their lips together.

 

His moan filled the room when Mike pushed in through the muscle and Brad jolted.

 

"Are you... fine?", he asked stopping when the smaller man tensed under him.

 

"Yeah. I am. Fuck that feels weird", Brad frowned playing with the short hairs in the back if Mike's head.

 

"I can stop of you want. It's not...", the half Asian started to panic.

 

"No Mike! You are not backing down now!", Brad growled almost scaring Mike. "I'm not hurting. It's just weird okay? Be slow."

 

"Yeah cause I... I have to move", the other reached his hand to Brad's cheek caressing it softly and kissing the soft lips.

 

Brad nodded. He was burning up and Mike's hesitation wasn't helping at all. Mike leaned back up bringing his hands under his thighs massaging them. He started to move, pushing deeper ever so slowly, again watching Brad's face. How beautiful the guitarist looked under him was taking his breath away. And the tight heat squeezing him made wonderful shivers run through him.

 

"Fuck that's tight", he hissed when he felt Brad relax more and was able to push in deeper.

 

The guitarist was now holding his breath. Not cause it hurt but cause it felt amazing. Another new feeling after yesterday. Mike's eyes were glistening and wide as he thrusted in making Brad to arch his back. Sweet moan escaped his throat causing Mike now gasp. He moved his hands further squeezing now Brad's buttocks.

 

"Brad you okay?", Mike frowned as the other tensed suddenly his mouth gaping open.

 

"Shit... That's definitely okay... Do it again", he was a stuttering mess.

 

The emcee smiled and obeyed again making the other tremble under him. He got to faster pace but knew already Brad was close. It was rather mesmerizing. The love of his life squirming and moaning under him and he had no idea what he was doing. But he was doing something right cause Brad was obviously enjoying it. What he was causing.

 

Then Brad clasped onto the sheet clawing it. Tiny quakes ran through him breaking down into bigger and bigger ones, shattering everything as he came. Mike stared as the warm seed spurting from the cock he hadn't even touched, gasping at the sight. That, and the muscle clenching around him sent him to the heaven but Brad whimpering with his eyes closed was almost just as good.

 

The half Asian pulled out as Brad whined and fell next to him feeling he was going to pass out.

 

"That was... fast. And... hot", he managed to say finally. "And you... you're beautiful."

 

Brad turned to face him sighing heavily a sad smile spreading to his lips. "So are you still going to argue me after that?"

 

"I... didn't even touch you", Mike was still amazed that he had managed to do that.

 

"Yeah. There's that too....", the guitarist snickered blushing slightly.

 

"That wasn't your first time. I think", Mike mumbled. Not that it really mattered. But somehow he could feel the jealousy sting.

 

The other sighed raising his eyebrow. "No. It wasn't."

 

And then he connected their lips again purring happily and wrapping himself around the other.

 

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated.


	15. To see who gets scared when the lights go dim

\-------

 

"So.... I think we need to tell the others", Mike exhaled. He really didn't even want to. It felt like it would burst their bubble and then it all would be out and ready to be torn apart. Unless it worked out and went the total opposite.

 

"Oh... kay. Well Rob knows already so I don't think it's that big deal", the other nodded.

 

"I'll send a message... Yeah but he knows only by accident. Cause I couldn't deal with it all alone", Mike pointed out and started to write the text message. "Besides. Are you... I still don't know what this is. Not that I would need actual word to put on it but I'm still unsure. That you really love me."

 

"Mike what the fuck. Are you seriously going to argue about this again? After yesterday?", Brad got onto his feet, throwing his hands in the air in disbelief.

 

"I'm sorry but you have to understand! It's all so sudden", the emcee groaned.

 

"I'm getting pissed at you. What the hell do I have to do to make you believe?! Why don't you trust me?", Brad stared at him the disappointment visible in his eyes.

 

"It's not that I don't trust you. It just feels so unbelievable. You know? This happens in movies. Not in real life. And after you weren't yourself a long time, and then suddenly are and... I doubt. I doubt myself more than anything. Guess I need more time. I don't know. This is so fucking messed up and I don't even comprehend how it can be more messed up now than when you didn't talk", Mike shrugged picking up some invisible lint from his sweatpants.

 

"And then there's the elephant in the room. Or two to be exact, though I don't know do you see the other", he continued raising his eyebrow and checking now the answer on his phone as it vibrated. "They'll be soon here."

 

Brad rolled his eyes and sat down next to him. "Yeah. And I don't want to talk about it cause I don't know what to do. It's like... I don't know. Been living in a lie and now when I see it, it doesn't feel that good. But what's the other thing?"

 

"Well you said it wasn't your first time. And I thought you were straight", Mike glanced at him but didn't receive the eye contact he hoped.

 

"Right. Uhm... It was really a long time ago. Years. Can't remember. Just a small fling. Didn't really think about it that much. Does it matter?", the other frowned turning now to face him.

 

The half Asian sighed. "I guess it doesn't. It was just a surprise. Wait, some years? Does that mean you were with Elisa at the time?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"And... Who was it?"

 

"Does that matter either? I was drunk, he was drunk and probably more high than I have ever seen Chester. It was back when we played Rock Am Ring gig with Korn, Smashing Pumpkins and all that. And before you ask, no it wasn't one time. But then again I forgot it pretty soon and got back to... well the straight life", the guitarist explained.

 

"You know now I have to Google who else played there and think about you with every single person... Which I rather not would be doing", Mike groaned.

 

"You're cute when you're jealous", Brad snickered poking him with his finger.

 

"Oh fuck off. I'm serious", the emcee shot a glare at him biting his lip. "Was he good?"

 

"Mike! Stop that! I know it's a lame excuse to fuck someone when you're drunk but it still didn't mean a thing. I honestly can say that", Brad exhaled feeling frustrated. They weren't even an actual couple and already fighting over this nonsense.

 

"I'm not... Fuck. I know it was years ago and I get that it was just a fuck. But you still have to understand that I'm interested to know what went in your head back then. Cause... Yeah. Were you the initiator? Or he, the mystery guy", the emcee pried. In his mind he thought he honestly just needed to know but the jealousy was still burning.

 

"No, I wasn't. But even then, what would have it mattered if I had been? And I'm not telling you who he was cause you're acting ridiculously. You don't need to know. It didn't matter then and still doesn't. Even if you think it did. Or does", the guitarist said.

 

"Fine. But you still didn't answer my question."

 

"I was lonely. And drunk. Did I already tell you I was drunk? So... Dunno. Guess I was searching something more", Brad shrugged.

 

"I'm not blaming you. It's just... well weird. What in this wouldn't be weird. And even... god you were so fluffy then. You are making me crazy, you know that right? I know I shouldn't be jealous and that it's ridiculous, as you just said. But I can't help it. I really can't", the emcee stared at him feeling helpless.

 

"I hope the crazy is in good way. But fluffy! That's just mean!", Brad glared at him but gave out a light chuckle then.

 

"The fluffy is in good way too."

 

"Wait... How can you remember something like that?", Brad gasped realizing it.

 

"Ermmm... I don't know", the emcee blushed feeling awkward.

 

Brad laughed pulling him to a hug. "Mike that's even cuter!"

 

"Well thanks a lot. If you don't get a haircut soon you'll be as fluffy as you were then", the emcee rolled his eyes laughing and let the other kiss his cheek.

 

Their talking traveled to lighter subjects when finally the others arrived. Rob looked seriously confused and worried, cause of the fact that Mike hadn't told at all why they were invited there in the first place.

 

"So okay. This is gonna be freaking weird and awkward but as I just some time ago said- what in this wouldn't be weird. That's like my main feeling, have been for weeks. Or longer. Anyway. Rob is the only one who knows, but I have to tell him cause that was like.... well in a way sharing took some burden from my shoulders", Mike started.

 

"Mike are you sure? I mean...", Rob said but closed his mouth then. Mike was sure. His eyes were dead certain.

 

"Uhmm... So I kinda feel like an outsider now", Chester frowned. "Is everything okay?"

 

"Yeah, were fine. I love Brad", Mike blurted feeling like a mouse that was about to get crushed by a huge boot.

 

Rob glanced at the others. He knew the reactions could be pretty much anything.

 

"And I love Mike", Brad said nudging the emcee.

 

Mike turned to look at the other and felt his heart was going to melt. Brad was smiling. His lips were curled to a beautiful smile and it was directed to him.

 

"Whoa. That's... a lot at once", Dave gasped turning to look at the drummer. "You knew about this? And you didn't tell?"

 

"Hell no I would broke his trust! Don't be an ass Dave", Rob glared at him and sat down.

 

"Well you saying it's weird is understatement", Joe gaped at them.

 

"Am I the only one who sees Brad smiling?", Chester yelled looking at the others disappointed. That was the best thing he had seen in weeks, and everybody else than Mike ignored it.

 

"I'm just in shock", Dave tried to explain.

 

"Oh fuck off. Our friend had a trauma and didn't talk and now he is happy. So I'm not even having this bullshit", Chester pointed at him.

 

"Chester. Give them some slack okay", Rob sighed looking at him. Dave probably was just in shock. That was anyway a hell of a blow.

 

The singer rolled his eyes. He was just annoyed that Brad was smiling and they just ignored it.

 

"Okay so... I'm confused here. Definitely not judging!", the deejay said and glanced at Chester. "But how?"

 

"I don't know how. How do you fall in love with your best friend? And your married? Wish I could know how it happens", the emcee mumbled drawing his legs to his chest.

 

"I'm guessing... Anna knows too then", Dave sat down now next to Rob.

 

"Yeah. Reason why she left me. Not that... Well I'm glad. I was sure she would kill me next. God she was mad", Mike shifted not liking this conversation at all.

 

"That means... One wife more to go", Joe pointed out but fell quiet when Chester shot a glare at him.

 

They all started at the two man sitting on the couch waiting for what was next.

 

Dave was slightly pissed, but mostly cause Rob hadn't told them. But on the other hand there was the trust issue too.

 

"And he doesn't know what to do", Chester sighed looking at Brad who turned his gaze instantly away from the singer. Chester had always been annoying in that way. He could see even the invisible elephant in the room.

 

"Yeah. Pretty much so. But I knew we had to tell you guys since we have progressed to this state", Mike mumbled.

 

"Oh my god... I didn't want to get that image in my head. He is talking about sex isn't he?", Joe's eyes widened as he glanced at the drummer.

 

"How would I know that. I think he means kissing, right? Cause about that I did know", Rob stared at the emcee who just wanted to disappear.

 

Brad blushed crawling under Mike's arm who felt honored by such affectionate sign at that situation.

 

"Well... I think that tells everything. I think I have never seen Brad blush. At least not like that", Chester chuckled causing everyone shoot a glare at him.

 

"You take this way too lightly", Dave frowned poking at the singer.

 

"You think that was a wise decision Mike?" Rob questioned glancing now at the deejay who had been quiet for a while.

 

"Errrrm.... Yeah. Brad?" Mike muttered throwing Brad on the wolves.

 

"Mike!", the guitarist slapped him. "He is being an ass and doesn't believe I love him. And I couldn't take it any longer. Oopsies?"

 

"This is getting way over my head", Joe groaned burying his face to his hands.

 

Dave crossed his legs leaning on his elbows. "Yeah well... Here we are anyway."

 

Mike felt embarrassed, relieved and happy at the same time. Like them coming out like this was confirmation that Brad couldn't back down now.

 

"So this 'oopsies'... How long? I really thought you had been just kissing", Rob adjusted his glasses his eyes wandering between the emcee and the guitarist.

 

"So I did too. Until... yesterday", Mike sighed heavily looking at the guitarist.

 

"Don't you sigh at me Shinoda! And you already forgot the first time?" Brad glared at him. If Mike wouldn't know better he would have thought Brad was mad.

 

"So our emcee here forgot that he had had sex before yesterday", Dave looked at the singer like telling him they have gone crazy. All of them.

 

"That... Okay. I'm not going to details here. You know you are making me uncomfortable here?" Mike grunted at Brad

 

"You were the one who started it", Brad stuck his tongue out as he stared at the emcee his eyes sparkling. "So yeah. If we don't consider... what would you call it? Dry humping? Yeah, if we don't take that into consideration then Rob the answer is from yesterday."

 

"Can we have the non-speaking Brad back? Cause it hard, but this is way too much", Dave's ears started to get red.

 

Mike would have been greatly amused that Brad got Dave to blush, but he was even more embarrassed. Chester swatted at the poor bassist and cleared his throat then.

 

"Okay. That's the situation now. Uhm... And then the next move is?", he tried to ask but got only silence and uncomfortable glances back.

 

"I see. Well you are kinda keeping one woman on the ledge so you probably should figure that out", he continued his eyes compassionate.

 

"See? What I told you. I have tried to say that to you but you just jump on me like a horny teenager and...", Mike started put stopped when Dave yelped.

 

"Can we have also silent Shinoda please? Seriously, I don't want to get more images on my head cause I will have nightmares. Probably the whole next month...", he looked little bit greenish.

 

"And I'm not swatting you again. We are happy cause Brad is happy. Never mind Mike, I just couldn't have seen any more of that silence. Brad you were totally freaking us out! I was honestly thinking that we would have to force you to see a shrink or something if you wouldn't have started to talk", the singer said smiling and getting then serious. "But yeah. You have to do it at one point."

 

"And I have to be the asshole and bring up the band. Is this going to... fuck up everything?" Joe whispered staring at the floor.

 

"Not unless you or Dave are doing it", Chester glanced at him being absolutely sure that this wouldn't effect to their chemistry inside the band, "Right?"

 

"I'm fine. As long as they don't talk about what they do in bed", Dave threw his hands in the air.

 

"Why do you think only bed is involved?" Brad stared at him joking.

 

"Oh for fuck's sake Brad!" Mike couldn't help, but bursted into laughter.

 

Rob rolled his eyes glancing at Chester. He felt like there were three groups in the room- the ones objecting, just a tiny bit, the ones being smart and thinking about further and then the third. Which was these two who were more carefree than they had been in ages.

 

"Yeah. I hope it doesn't fuck it all up. I can't see really anything changed, except that now were more closer than before", Mike shrugged.

 

"I'm so jealous!", the singer joked snickering. "Don't know how you two could be anymore closer but yeah, I see your point. Let's just get the guitarist back on track and playing so we can begin with the tour."

 

Mike glanced at Brad fearing it wouldn't be that easy, but he knew also that pushing Brad would just make him shut down and the decision harder.

 

"I need to get home though. Tal is waiting already", Chester smiled and gestured others that they should leave.

 

After quickly saying goodbyes they left the two alone.

 

"So. That... Went rather well. Maybe", Mike raised his eyebrows.

 

Brad chuckled. "I can imagine ten worse ways it could have gone. Not really better ones. But please can we now drop the talk about the elephant. I get that I need to think about it, but... tomorrow maybe?"

 

Mike sighed heavily. "Yeah yeah yeah..."

 

"Please Mike. Let's just cuddle and... yeah", the other begged.

 

"You really are making me crazy Delson", the half Asian groaned but the let the other pull him to a kiss anyway.

 

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated


	16. For answers yet to come

\-----  
  
  
  
"So I managed to narrow the people down to a few. There were plenty of options but some are like... nope", Mike sat next to Brad holding a piece of paper in his hands.  
  
  
  
"What?", Brad almost choked on his coffee looking at the paper. _He had seriously written down bunch of names thinking who had I had sex with_ , he thought.  
  
  
  
Mike sighed staring at him. "Do you really think I could have just let it go? Brad I need to know."  
  
  
  
"No you don't. You certainly don't need to know. And you won't. I'm not telling anything", the guitarist shook his head turning his gaze away. He was same time slightly amused and flattered, but then also mad and annoyed.  
  
  
  
"I do. So! I left out few bands just completely, knowing we didn't even talk with them and so on, just to make it easier. Peter Steele.... Errrrrm. Nope. Pushing that thought aside instantly. Billy Corgan. Again no, don't think that's possible", Mike listed.  
  
  
  
"Mike seriously let's not... What the fuck, Peter Steele though? Was he even gay?" Brad frowned.  
  
  
  
"Well were you either? But yeah, let's not think that further", the emcee shook his head his cheeks flushing. "Then I was thinking Corey Taylor isn't that type either. Nor Jacoby..."  
  
  
  
"I'm just listening here and trying to figure out what the hell goes in your head. Why are you going with the singers?" Brad sipped his coffee not looking at the other.  
  
  
  
"Wait what?" the emcee stopped staring at him and his mouth gaping open.  
  
  
  
Brad sighed and shook his head. He didn't want to give any glues.  
  
  
  
"Uhm... Okay. So... Shit", Mike stopped to think. "Then I ruled out Matthew Bellamy and Jack White."  
  
  
  
"Are you listening to yourself? How ridiculous this is?" Brad said. He was getting nervous cause Mike certainly had narrowed the people down, correctly.  
  
  
  
"Yes. And I said I need to know. So if you're not going to just say the name I'm going to dig it out. So I am left with Scott Weiland, Jared Leto, Gerard Way, Jake Shears and the Madden brothers. Which...", Mike stopped again, thinking about all those. And somehow it made his heart ache and stomach feel weird. _It was years ago, why the fuck do I care,_ he thought.  
  
  
  
"Scott eeeew... Mike for fuck's sake!" the guitarist groaned. "Now I have think about it too! All those, argh..."  
  
  
  
"That's one down Brad. Just tell me. It's easier that way anyway", Mike poked him.  
  
  
  
"I won't! And how the hell you even get to those! Madden brothers... Oh my god. Your brains are weird", Brad shook his head in disbelief.  
  
  
  
"Aaaaand two more down. Pretty darn good three choices I would say", the half Asian nodded not a drop of humor on his voice.  
  
  
  
Brad stared at him not believing his ears.  
  
  
  
"Please Brad", the other pleaded causing Brad only to shake his head vigorously.  
  
  
  
"But Mike why? It doesn't change a thing. It was years ago. You...", Brad bit his lips.  
  
  
  
"Cause I need to know. I told you already. It bugs me that I don't. Cause I can't take thinking about you with all those people", Mike sighed his eyes desperate.  
  
  
  
Brad felt sorry for him. He really did. Cause if Mike had had already then feelings for him, maybe, just maybe they could have started it then. Wiping few perhaps unnecessary memories away same time.  
  
  
  
"Shit. No, it isn't any of those three. But you got the band right", he mumbled.  
  
  
  
Mike frowned. _Huh, not any of those?_ , he thought his mind like a whirlwind.  
  
  
  
"Then... It's either Frank or....", he said watching the other.  
  
  
  
Brad didn't say a thing. This was bad, he knew it. He could hear it in Mike's voice.  
  
  
  
"Well it certainly isn't Shannon so it's got to be Tomo", Mike said finally making up his mind.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Happy now?" Brad shot a dark glare at him.  
  
  
  
The half Asian sighed looking away. "No. I'm not happy."  
  
  
  
"See? I told you! Now all you see when you look at me, is me and him", Brad jumped up walking to the bedroom and slamming the door behind.  
  
  
  
 _Why is this so weird? If I would have heard that Anna had had sex with someone like that, I would have just shrugged it off. They were drunk, it didn't mean a thing. But why does it hurt so much?_ , he thought.  
  
  
  
After a while he stood up inhaling heavily and walked slowly to the bedroom.  
  
  
  
"Brad I'm sorry", he mumbled staring at the guitarist who was on the center sitting of the bed scratching his arm again.  
  
  
  
He crawled to the bed, sat next to the other and grabbed the hand away. Kissing the knuckles he sighed, "Can you forgive me? Now I know. So we don't need to talk about it again."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. And as I said it's a bad idea. What is the first thing you think when you meet him again? Huh? Me and him having sex. So... yeah. Sometimes you have to learn just to let go. Mike it was ten years ago. Ten fucking years! And even if it would have meant something which it didn't, it wouldn't matter now", Brad raised his voice.  
  
  
  
"Brad...", Mike started but Brad shook his head.  
  
  
  
"No, shut up. I'm here now. I love you. And the only reason I brought it up was cause I didn't want to lie to you and tell it was my first time when we had sex. Otherwise you wouldn't have even known and it would have been all better", Brad groaned pissed at himself more than at Mike.  
  
  
  
"Did you just...", Mike stared at him, his eyes widened. "You said you love me. Or am I hearing things."  
  
  
  
"Well, duh. Cause I love you", Brad frowned not following.  
  
  
  
The emcee laughed and grabbed him to a hug, squeezing hard.  
  
  
  
"Ow... Mike I still can feel", the guitarist whined as the arms just kept squeezing.  
  
  
  
"Brad oh my god... You said that you love me", Mike breathed his heart filled with joy.  
  
  
  
The guitarist sighed and pushed him away to look at his eyes. "Calm down. You're crushing me."  
  
  
  
"You know you're making me the happiest man. You know that right? I think I have already told it to you... I have loved you for so long...", the emcee mumbled trying to calm his beating heart. He released his grip holding now Brad by the arms.  
  
  
  
"Hey, those are just words. The love didn't just suddenly start now you know? Brad laughed kissing him.  
  
  
  
"Yeah but it's... You said it yesterday the first time really. And we weren't alone and...", the half Asian smiled.  
  
  
  
"You're so goofy. Does it make you even happier if I say it more often?" the other asked tilting his head. He couldn't believe that few small words could make Mike so excited.  
  
  
  
"Yes please", Mike breathed again smiling.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Not a hard task. So did you already forgive my affair?" Brad raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
  
"Brad... You did nothing wrong. Well, not to me. So... l... it's weird but I will get over it", the other stroked his cheeks running his fingers over the coarse beard.  
  
  
  
"Good. Cause really... The after party was crazy. You were there too. We were few of the people that weren't high. But I sure was drunk. Really drunk. And so fucking horny...", the guitarist mumbled.  
  
  
  
"I think I remember something. I wondered where you disappeared at one point, but then Jared said you were too drunk and were being guided back to the hotel. I didn't get worried cause you were sleeping in same room with Joe and he was already at the hotel so I thought...That son of a bitch knew!" Mike chuckled dropping his hands to Brad's shoulders.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head. "Maybe. Dunno. Anyhow... And next time was maybe even more confusing cause it wasn't first time and we were supposed to know what we were doing but then we were still awkward... I can't believe I'm actually talking about this with you. Probably as uncomfortable as you would tell about you and Anna."  
  
  
  
"Except that now I am kinda intrigued that you actually were so horny that you fucked Tomo. So... how many times was it?" Mike pried blushing slightly.  
  
  
  
Brad rolled his eyes and smiled softly. "And I'm amused that you're intrigued. And I didn't fuck him. It was other way around. Which I thought you had already figured out. How many times... Are you going to go crazy again?"  
  
  
  
"No Brad... I'm fine."  
  
  
  
"Well back then those two times. There was perhaps half a year between them. And then few times during the Carnivores tour", the other answered ready for Mike to blow up.  
  
  
  
"Oh... Okay. So it wasn't just... Wait. That's three years ago", Mike stared at him gaping.  
  
  
  
The guitarist sighed. "I know. Which is also why I didn't want to tell you about it. Not that it still mattered. Cause it doesn't. And it doesn't make any difference how long ago it was."  
  
  
  
"And now my mind goes back to you yelling me that it was ten years ago", the half Asian lifted his brow slightly annoyed.  
  
  
  
"Mike.... Don't start that again", Brad dropped his head.  
  
  
  
Mike brushed his cheek a sad smile spreading on his lips. "I won't. Was just... Don't know. I was thinking if I would have said something back then...."  
  
  
  
"I actually thought about that earlier. Well... You can't really turn time back now. And I still somehow think that maybe it was a good thing. Maybe there's some fucked up meaning behind this all", the guitarist waved his cast in the air and grabbed then Mike's hands and kissed his lips.  
  
  
  
"I wasn't ready back then. That I know", the emcee nodded and frowned then as his phone started to ring. Quickly he fished it out of his pocket and answered reluctantly when he noticed there was no number on the screen.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Oh. Really? Well, yeah of co... Okay. Yeah, we will be there. Thank you", he spoked his facial expression changing quickly from annoyance to surprise.  
  
  
  
"They... It was the police, they think they might have found the man. He hasn't confessed and they want you to see him", Mike explained.  
  
  
  
"No. I can't. Mike I can't, I don't...", Brad was starting to panic.  
  
  
  
The emcee wrapped his arms around the other instantly. "Hey, you have to. It can be... If that's the man that killed the other. You are literally the only one who can sent him to jail if they don't have any evidence suddenly. He doesn't see you and we come back here straight away."  
  
  
  
Brad fell silent. He absolutely hated the idea that he had to see possibly the person that did this to him. And what if it wasn't the right one? And what if it wasn't the right one but he would think it is and the wrong man would go to jail?  
  
  
  
"Babe... Please. It doesn't take long but you can... The dead man's wife can't do it. Think about justice okay?" Mike tried to reassure the other even though he saw Brad was really reluctant and afraid. "It's one more step forward. And if it isn't the right man they will continue the search."   
  
  
  
"Fine", Brad mumbled staring at his cast.  
  
  
  
"Great. You will be proud of yourself when it's done. I will be too. Let's go so we get faster back here."  
  
  
  
The drive was over too quickly and Brad finally realized disappointed that he couldn't back away now.  
  
  
  
"Mr. Delson? Great you came on such short notice. This way please", a young perky woman greeted them and lead them deeper inside the building. "This won't take long. The suspect doesn't see or hear you. He doesn't know you are in the other room. We want you to take a good look at him and then he will read few sentences from a manuscript. After that you can leave. I have to also point out that you shouldn't be worried or feel forced to recognize or not recognize him. It happens all the time that people freeze and don't recognize the suspect. It also doesn't mean he is free to leave if you don't recognize him. He will stay here interrogated for a while before we are sure that it is okay to let him leave."  
  
  
  
Brad nodded and bit down to his lip. Mike massaged his neck, trying to relax him. But the emcee was afraid that he wasn't enough. Brad was already quiet and closing in.  
  
  
  
The woman knocked softly at a door to a room and then opened a door next to it. Together they stepped into a room that had a large glass on one wall. Just like in movies. The room that could be seen through the glass was brightly lit casting weird shadows to the floor. In the middle there were two man sitting in front of a table. The other person was obviously police officer and the other man had shiny handcuffs on his wrists.  
  
  
  
He looked absolutely normal. Nothing really stood up. Tiny bit on the burlier side, short black hair and few days worth of stubble. No tattoos or piercings visible. He swayed his hands in the air staring at the cuffs and waiting patiently.  
  
  
  
Mike frowned. Not that he assumed the man to look certain way but he wasn't that type who he would assume to go and attack people. To kill people. Brad was frowning too and Mike realized instantly that he didn't recognize the suspect.  
  
  
  
The police officer inside gestured the man to stood up and the suspect obeyed. He walked across the room slowly keeping his eyes always in front of him. Then the police nodded and the man sat back down.  
  
  
  
"Does he look familiar to you? Or maybe something in his movement?" the woman asked looking at Brad.  
  
  
  
Brad waited for a second, tilting his head. Then he shook it and sighed. "No. I'm sorry."  
  
  
  
"That's fine Mr. Delson", the woman smiled kindly and said few words to the microphone on the wall.  
  
  
  
In the other room the police officer listened before he acted. Next they saw him give a piece of paper for the man who cleared his throat. He opened his mouth and read the sentences written on the white paper. But Brad wasn't listening the words anymore. Instantly he felt like choking. The voice was drilling his ears and forcing inside his head. He started to back away panicking and stumbling on his own feet. Mike caught him just in time before he would have hit the floor.  
  
  
  
"Mr. Delson. Is he the same person?" the woman insisted an answer even when it could have been seen so clearly on Brad's horrified face.  
  
  
  
Brad nodded trying to force the memories away that were suddenly rushing over him. It hurt. They hurt. He didn't want it. He didn't want to remember anything about that horrible night.  
  
  
  
"Thank you. You can go now. I will contact you later to get a proper statement. I can see this isn't the time for it", the woman looked now worried and opened the door for them.  
  
  
  
Mike let the guitarist cling on to him as they walked back to the car as fast as possible. Brad's breathing was still frantic as he clenched down to the car seat with his fingers.  
  
  
  
"Brad", Mike grabbed the hand that had the cast worried that Brad would hurt himself.  
  
  
  
Brad exhaled heavily and turned to stare out the window when Mike drove back home. He couldn't control his thoughts. The memories repeated one by one and then like a broken record started over again.  
  
  
  
As they were finally back inside the calm safeness of the house Brad thought he could finally breathe. Still, the weight on his chest didn't move anywhere. He stood in the middle of the living room paralyzed when Mike grabbed him gently, pulling with him as he sat on the couch. Brad crawled to his lap snuggling as close as possible. It was the only place he knew wasn't going to disappear and abandon him.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Talk to me please? I don't want you to fall back to the silence. It might me easiest thing to do, but not a solution. I'm here with you and I won't go anywhere", the emcee tried to reassure the other who was shaking.  
  
  
  
After a long time Brad managed to open his mouth. The words falling off of his lips felt like needles but he forced them out. "I thought he didn't speak. But then, at the station... I remembered he did."  
  
  
  
"Okay. That happens. It's not your fault. Do you remember now what he said?" Mike stroked his hair trying to keep his voice calm and centered, even when his heart was breaking.  
  
  
  
"Nothing much. He just stated that he had came to kill me. And then he broke my arm", the other mumbled flinching at the memory.  
  
  
  
Mike sighed heavily and squeezed the other tighter burying his face to the curls. After all Brad was alive. It was another person that was dead, not Brad.  
  
  
  
 _It could have been Brad._  
  
  
  
\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Love you all :) Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated-


	17. We're building it up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! We shall blame it on Mike, lol.

\--------  
  
  
  
And so it was as Mike had thought. Brad had fallen back to the non-speaking. He knew that memories were a lot to handle when they attacked the poor guitarist at once, but he was scared. Again. That Brad was beyond repairable. It was all going so well and then this. A sudden fall that Mike hadn't been prepared to.  
  
  
  
Now, after watching Brad drifting somewhere in the darkness for two days, Mike knew he had to try to make him talk again. He couldn't have another excruciating period without hearing Brad's voice. He was still laying on the bed, curled under the covers when Mike came back from his normal routines. He crawled next to the other finally able to organize his thoughts.  
  
  
  
"Hey... Brad."  
  
  
  
No answer. Brad was staring past him. He stroked the unshaven cheek carefully, waiting for any reaction.  
  
  
  
"Please tell me so I can help."  
  
  
  
Still nothing. Just teeth gnawing the lip and serious eyes locked to the wall.  
  
  
  
"Please Brad. I beg you."  
  
  
  
Deep sigh and then the eyes flicked to stare at him.  
  
  
  
"I can't."  
  
  
  
"Why? You know you can trust me. You have to know that right?" Mike knew he had a slight chance.  
  
  
  
"Still. It's so fucking stupid", the other said his voice sad.  
  
  
  
"Don't think it is. They are your feelings. No one can tell you that they are stupid", Mike sighed shaking his head.  
  
  
  
"So you say. I'm fucking scared. Why not before? Huh? He is caught now so I am supposed to be happy", Brad said turning his gaze away and drawing his lips to a tight line.  
  
  
  
He couldn't explain it. Again a thing he couldn't explain. So silence was a better option.  
  
  
  
"I couldn't sleep last night. I had nightmares and when I finally woke up I didn't want to fall back to sleep. But still, all I could hear was his voice. Awake or asleep. I can't... think anything else", he continued.  
  
  
  
"Brad... Why didn't you wake me up? I'm here for you. You know that!" Mike couldn't believe his ears. "Really. You can't shut me out."  
  
  
  
"I know that. I don't... do that on purpose. I just can't talk about it cause I don't know how", Brad muttered.  
  
  
  
"And still you just did", Mike smiled and kissed him carefully.  
  
  
  
"I hate this. I would have rather taken the oblivion", Brad shifted feeling uncomfortable cause of the haunting thoughts.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I get it. But... You know what you did for that woman? It won't bring his husband back but it's just justice. Retaliation kind of too when the man is sentenced. The man will face a long time in jail and he will never do it again. What if he was a serial killer? What if the next victim would had died too? We were just lucky that you didn't", the emcee grabbed his shoulder squeezing it to emphasize his words.  
  
  
  
"I love you Mike", Brad mumbled causing the other smile broadly.  
  
  
  
"I know you do. But you can't shut me out. Not again. Not like that. Please Brad... Next time just talk to me. I don't care how stupid you think it it. It's you, your feelings. It could never be stupid for me", the half Asian sighed.  
  
  
  
_How freaking complex can this all be. He is alive and obviously healing physically_ , Mike thought feeling sad that their minds were playing tricks and making it harder.  
  
  
  
"Okay... I'll try. So the... uhm the wounds on my back. Do you still have the cream? They itch like crazy and...", Brad mumbled feeling weird asking that. Like it was all going backwards and now something was holding him. He sat up and peeled the blanket off around him.  
  
  
  
"Of course. Wait a second", Mike nodded and got up to get the cream.  
  
  
  
Brad tried to pull his shirt off meanwhile failing and it only annoying him more. He was so sick of the cast already. Wanting just to get on with his life. Continue what he was supposed to be doing and the cast reminded him about what went wrong.  
  
  
  
"Brad, you can't...", Mike sighed when he came back and saw what the other was doing.  
  
  
  
"I hate this. Too", the guitarist groaned giving up and lowering his arms.  
  
  
  
"I know that. Not long anymore. Soon we'll be back touring", the other smiled pulling the shirt off.  
  
  
  
Brad turned onto his side shifting to give Mike more space.  
  
  
  
"You know... I haven't even seen them myself yet", he muttered feeling his voice break. "Nor did she. I didn't let her."  
  
  
  
"They were probably way worse before the stitches. Well.. You know, like open wounds are. They have healed nicely. Only some scabs left", Mike tried to ignore the talk about Elisa. He knew it was about to come, in one a way or another.  
  
  
  
"But the scars will be horrible. I assume", Brad sighed fiddling with the bed sheet.  
  
  
  
"They are just... scars you know? Scar tissue. Visibly maybe not so pretty. And to you they remind of the attack. For me they remind the occasion that you almost died. And that you fell in love with me", Mike explained, spreading the cream with his index finger.  
  
  
  
"Well that was before", Brad frowned thinking.  
  
  
  
Mike ceased his actions, startled by the confession, almost thinking he didn't hear it correctly. "Huh?"  
  
  
  
"Me. Falling in love with you. I think that was... well before this whole thing happened. It isn't important though now, is it?" the guitarist was now worried he had opened a box he shouldn't have.  
  
  
  
"No... Well. I don't know. I guess it isn't. It doesn't change the fact that you're married. Which...", Mike started but Brad shook his head.  
  
  
  
"Still don't want to talk about it. I am getting to a conclusion but it doesn't mean I am ready to talk about it."  
  
  
  
"So... How long?" Mike felt suddenly uncomfortable that Brad had been in love with him and he hadn't noticed it.  
  
  
  
"I don't know. I think... The feelings got stronger cause of this. Before that there was something but I just didn't know what it was. And then she... shit. I just can't talk about her", the other groaned.  
  
  
  
Mike sighed and snaked his hand around Brad's chest, pressing against the back, ignoring the cream that was now tainting white stripes to his t-shirt.  
  
  
  
"That's fine. I don't mean that there would be a certain time like... Or that you would have to know what to do or say. It's still really confusing to me too. We being best friends, in same band, both married and then I get this curveball. 'Hey, look at your best friend. Yeah, you love him.' I was trying to push the feeling aside but then Anna... and next there was the attack and I was compelled to stay and take care of you. Even if you would have attached to for example Chester like you did to me... well then I would have been just crazy jealous. But anyway. You being pushed to that situation, so fragile and... It was all just... one more thing added to the situation that was already messy enough", he said nuzzling Brad's neck.  
  
  
  
Brad exhaled deeply and grabbed Mike's hand on his chest to his. He couldn't really even fathom how comfortable this was. Mike couldn't read his mind but he knew him just well enough to know what he was going through in his head. And then all the affection Mike was giving to him.  
  
  
  
"I'm scared. And then I feel stupid cause I am scared. And... Previously I wanted to remember cause I was humiliated that I couldn't. And now when I do, like I said, I don't want to. Not that I don't appreciate the fact that I helped the poor woman but... It's so weird, you know? First I can't remember anything and then it all comes flooding in. Same time. My brains just go back to the moment when I heard my arm snap", Brad told keeping his eyes on the wall.  
  
  
  
Mike cringed at the thought. He couldn't even imagine how much it must have hurt.  
  
  
  
"And then I wondered why me? And are there more coming after me? Was it cause we are famous? But then again why attack the other person. I don't know. Silly really. Stupid. God I'm stupid", the guitarist sighed frustrated cause if his thoughts.  
  
  
  
"Brad, don't say that! You're not stupid", Mike sighed and squeezed him harder, against his chest.  
  
  
  
"I know. It just feels like it. I don't like this confusion. It's so weird when I know how I should be thinking about it if only my brains would let me", Brad mumbled now pulling the hand harder against him.  
  
  
  
"But you know how good is that you're talking? Even if you think it's stupid. I think that more you talk about it the more you understand why you feel like that", the emcee smiled pressing his face against Brad's neck breathing out slowly and kissing it.  
  
  
  
"Yeah... Okay. Well I...", Brad started but then they heard someone at the door and both froze up.  
  
  
  
"I have no idea who it is", Mike threw his hands in the air as he got up. "You can stay here."  
  
  
  
The guitarist nodded and Mike walked to the door. When he opened it his jaw dropped- Elisa. _What the hell is she doing here? And why didn't she even call and ask was it fine_?, he thought but it was answered shortly when the woman spoke.  
  
  
  
"Hey, sorry to barge in like this. Rob told me what happened. He... said not to call but I have to see him, so I...", she sighed looking uncomfortable. Like she knew she was interrupting something.  
  
  
  
"Oh... well come in. I was just... the wounds in his back itch and...", Mike waved his hand towards the couch. "Just a second I'll get him."  
  
  
  
"Brad, it's Elisa. She said she wants to see you", he said when he get to the bedroom door. Brad's face dropped and he looked same time scared and mad, the two emotions making his skin color change.  
  
  
  
"I don't...", he started but the half Asian shook his head, grabbed the shirt and pointed towards the living room. Brad sighed and got to his feet then, following reluctantly the other.  
  
  
  
"Hey... I already apologized to Mike that I just came here like this. I needed... Oh my god you're so thin", Elisa gasped his eyes traveling across Brad's bare upper body making the other want to hide behind Mike's back.  
  
  
  
She turned his gaze to look at Brad, straight to his eyes, like waiting for an explanation why he was so thin. Mike sensed how tense Brad was and started to help the shirt on him. When he turned to face Brad he saw the pleading in his eyes. Brad didn't want to talk to her.  
  
  
  
"How are you? I heard about the man getting caught. Rob didn't really give more information than that you went to the police station and recognized the man", she took a step towards Brad, but the guitarist tensed and backed away.  
  
  
  
"Shall we sit down okay?" Mike mumbled urging Brad slightly further, to get him sit on the couch.  
  
  
  
Elisa followed them also noticing the atmosphere and sat to the other side, leaving obviously enough space as Brad relaxed slightly.  
  
  
  
"You could try the talking", Mike suggested watching carefully Brad's face. Brad glanced at him like asking was it absolutely necessary.  
  
  
  
Finally the other sighed barely audibly. "I'm fine. Confused. Don't want to talk about it really. Glad the guy is caught, even though I still don't get why me."  
  
  
  
"So... What now? Will you come home? We need to... work on... to where we left off", Elisa said after a long silence. Now she looked uncomfortable and Mike felt like he was a third wheel. Or just an unlucky bystander eavesdropping. He didn't even have and idea what was happening.  
  
  
  
"Honestly I don't think there's nothing to be worked on", the guitarist mumbled shifting on the couch.  
  
  
  
"Could we talk this privately?" Elisa said glancing at Mike. The emcee stood up and was about to leave when Brad shook his head.  
  
  
  
"He can hear it too. He is the one who has kept me sane this whole time anyway. And there isn't that much to even talk about", Brad said looking at the half Asian.  
  
  
  
Elisa sighed and leaned back. "Guess there's a reason why you were so weird then. For a long time."  
  
  
  
Brad just nodded. Inside his head he felt a compulsive need to grab Mike to a hug.  
  
  
  
"Okay. So you really think there isn't nothing we can do to make it work? You don't love me anymore?" the woman draw his lips to a tight line.  
  
  
  
"I do. A lot. But not in a way that you want. That was... I don't know. Guess I just grew apart from you", the guitarist sighed feeling choking. Hard words and he had no idea how Elisa would take them.  
  
  
  
She dropped her gaze looking down at her well manicured nails. "I knew it. I have had the feeling in my gut for a long time. Guess the attack was just a... catalyst. Without it we would have maybe just stayed together. Cause I love you a lot too. But I don't think I can anymore the way I once did."  
  
  
  
Mike was perplexed. _Did they just broke up? Just like that?_ , he thought afraid to look either of them to their eyes.  
  
  
  
And she wasn't angry. This was just a relief. A confirmation to move on, that she had thought doing for a long time.  
  
  
  
"I am happy that we are on the same page", Brad nodded his face serious.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Makes it easier. Well, I'm glad I decided to drop by even when I bothered you. Could... I don't know is it too much to ask, I'll read it in social media anyway, but could you Mike keep me on track about his healing? I would like to know how it goes from here. And if there's anything you need I'm available", she said trying to put a smile on her lips.  
  
  
  
Mike nodded and followed her when she stood up and headed to the door. He was still really baffled cause of the whole situation.  
  
  
  
"Take care. And take care of him. I know you're the best one to do it Mike. And like I said, if you need anything... I'm just glad I am now able to move on", she said hugging the emcee.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at Brad over Elisa's shoulder feeling really weird. He could have never imagined they would just break up like that. And without fighting. It brought up memories about his break up with Anna that certainly was totally different ending to few broken plates, cracked tile on a wall and two crying people.  
  
  
  
Elisa finally released Mike from her grip and left.  
  
  
  
"That was... weird. Why is it all so weird?" Mike mumbled and walked back to the couch, sitting next to the guitarist.  
  
  
  
"Cause it's new for us", Brad sighed suddenly aware that he was free. Maybe not legally, but it was done now. And it had been so much easier than he had even thought.  
  
  
  
"I didn't know you had problems with her", Mike raised his eyebrow and raked his hair.  
  
  
  
"I used to think that problems in marriage are when you fight. But for us... well it was more like that there wasn't any spark left. And that... well you know, we were just friends. The touring took it's toll too I think. I didn't even think that I was going back home to a wife. I knew she also had some issues cause she was acting differently. Well anyway, that's gone now", the guitarist shrugged.  
  
  
  
"That quite...blunt. Don't you think? Your marriage is gone now. That was many years", Mike stroked Brad's arm.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head. "I know. But it was happy times and we got separated without arguing. I can't really be mad about that. Well about anything. Glad it's over."  
  
  
  
Mike sighed. Not that he wasn't happy that it was resolved, but something inside him was still fighting back. It was perhaps too easy, and taking into consideration all the recent setbacks he couldn't help but to think it wasn't over like this.  
  
  
  
"So. I'm yours now", Brad smiled tilting his head.  
  
  
  
"Oh my god Brad... Don't say that. It's freaking weird that it would be over so soon, so easily", Mike cringed.  
  
  
  
The guitarist rolled his eyes and laughed. "I think you have a handful in dealing with only me. Be happy that there isn't a marriage to deal with too. Or two ones. I would have still been yours then though...."  
  
  
  
Mike didn't even know what to think. This kind of sudden surprise he didn't think could happen. And it still did. Being happy and tossing other feelings aside was a nice idea but not going to happen just like that.  
  
  
  
"But overall I am glad. That you talked with me and that you talked with her. Besides leaving it all awkward when we start the tour wouldn't be ideal either", he nodded.  
  
  
  
"No more wives to go, Joe would say", Brad snickered receiving a punch from the other.  
  
  
  
"Stop that."  
  
  
  
"But I think I need a hug now", Brad said crawling to Mike's lap.  
  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated!


	18. I remembered black skies

\-------  
  
  
  
"Brad...", Mike started dropping his phone on the table and sitting beside him.  
  
  
  
The other rolled his eyes knowing what was coming.  
  
  
  
"I can see something bothers you. Try to talk okay?" the half Asian sighed.  
  
  
  
He was unsure how to deal with the situation. Brad was still disappearing in his thoughts from time to time. Mike thought they had gotten through the worst. The guy was caught and hopefully sentenced. And then the situation with Elisa, which had went better than Mike had thought. Or ever even wished. Which resulted in this awkwardness when everything was basically fine but still nothing was.  
  
  
  
"You know... They are just words. Find a proper word and say it. Then another to fit the first and add it there. Soon you'll have a sentence. Or not, it doesn't matter. It's just me. You know you can talk to me", he continued carefully pulling Brad in his arms.  
  
  
  
Brad groaned frustrated that he felt like he couldn't get the words out. But he decided to try anyway. Cause it had worked last time too.  
  
  
  
"I want to... continue. With our lives, with what we are supposed to be doing... All that. To just forget it again. I know there is still things to do, and I can't do it yet. That annoys me. Cause I can push it away but I have to dig it up again for the police. I don't even know how does that thing going to be handled. Do I have to be there during the trial? What if we are already on tour? Or rather hopefully are. What if... Why the fuck this is so complicated?" the guitarist explained and Mike was rather relieved that they were thinking similarly.  
  
  
  
"And... I'm still scared you know? Part of me doesn't want to sleep cause I wait for another attack. When does that end? What about touring then? I haven't... left the house in long time and I can't even imagine what it must be when we go new places and meet new people."  
  
  
  
Mike let the other press harder against himself as he sighed compassionately. "I get it. And I will be there. I don't think even a second that there is some group trying to get you lifeless, but I'll still protect you."  
  
  
  
"You can't always be there. You know that. And how do you protect me when the fear is inside my head? I don't believe that I am targeted either but still my brains tell me I should remain cautious. Cause if something happens I can act quicker when I am prepared. But it's fucking exhausting. Even now, here. I know I am safe but still my mind wanders to the attack and thinking 'what if'. So... What about then during touring? How the hell I am supposed to stay calm in hotels and tour bus? What if... some fan grabs me and I freak out?" Brad mumbled frowning.  
  
  
  
"God you worry way too much. Are you sure you don't want to see a therapist? Maybe they could help you how to deal with it? You know the feelings. I have no idea how it works really but... would it be possible to try?" Mike suggested worried that he wasn't enough. And worried that Brad wouldn't like the idea.  
  
  
  
"I don't know... I think I can manage now. Maybe... think about it again if I can't? Spilling my guts to some stranger... Sounds weird", the other said.  
  
  
  
"Speaking of talking to strangers. Should we... talk with the guys? We should, I don't know why I even asked it."  
  
  
  
"About....", Brad frowned feeling he was done with talking.  
  
  
  
"Well... About Elisa. They were so worried... well Chester was worried. Yeah, I'll call. See if they are available. Oh and I need to make you the appointment for the cast removal too. It's already next week", the half Asian said reaching for his phone.   
  
  
  
He didn't even want to wait for the answer. He had hidden his feelings so long that even thinking about now made him feel bad. The guys deserved to know.  
  
  
  
"Is it... necessary? Like... why", Brad mumbled reluctantly.  
  
  
  
"Brad... how do you think we... wait. I don't even know do you want to be with me. Or not. You know how I am. I need words and convincing not just... a wordless promise", Mike's heart skipped a beat when he realized that they hadn't talked about it. Future together seemed suddenly scary. _What it would even be?_  
  
  
  
"Fuck... I can't...", he gasped pulling away.  
  
  
  
"Wait Mike! What... I didn't even get a chance to answer", Brad stared at him grabbing the hand that was pushing him away.  
  
  
  
"This is fucking up my head. Again. Cause how...", the emcee groaned as his mind buzzed with questions.  
  
  
  
Brad rolled his eyes slightly annoyed, and pulled him back on the couch, now climbing on top of him, placing his knees on each side of Mike's legs.  
  
  
  
"So. I worry about the attack too much. And you worry about us too much. The answer to your question is however quite simple. Yes I do want to be with you. I still love you, remember? Besides, wouldn't it be horrible to continue in the band if we wouldn't?" Brad whispered biting his lip.  
  
  
  
"Okay, call them", he added then tilting his head.  
  
  
  
"Brad no... I..", Mike sighed getting buried under all the questions. He felt like his head was about to explode.  
  
  
  
"Mike calm down. Everything is fine with us. I get that we need to talk with them. It's fair. Besides Dave will just be more pissy if we don't tell now and just wait for... well for what?", Brad pressed Mike back to the couch when he was trying to get up and push him aside.  
  
  
  
"Fuck... shit."  
  
  
  
"I love it when you swear but that's excessive. Just.. make the call. Chester will tell you it's all okay", the guitarist continued leaning to give a soft kiss for the other.  
  
  
  
Maybe it was the kiss, or Brad's sudden change in attitude that managed to calm Mike down too. The eyes staring him, deep and burning with the love. He nodded and choose Rob's number, knowing he probably waited the call. Well, have waited for quite a while.  
  
  
  
"Yup"  
  
  
  
"We need to talk again. Can you gather the guys here? I would much rather have the conversation here than on phone."  
  
  
  
"Is everything fine?" Rob said getting worried.  
  
  
  
"Yeah yeah... Just more happened", Mike answered feeling weirdly nervous.  
  
  
  
"I'll talk to them."  
  
  
  
Mike sighed in relief, happy that it would be possibly handled so soon and threw the phone back on the table. He still had no idea what would the next step be. Where they would go from here. So many unanswered questions and soon his mind was buzzing again.  
  
  
  
"Mike...", Brad sighed rubbing his thumb over the tensed shoulder. He hated to see Mike like this. But then he got an idea.  
  
  
  
He leaned in connecting their lips to a passionate kiss while he traveled his hand to the waistband in Mike's sweatpants. Mike shot his eyes open in shock when the cold, slim fingers met his member. He tried to pull away to ask what the hell was happening but Brad didn't let him. Instead he got onto his knees and sunk his fingers onto Mike's hair. The emcee moaned when the tongue dipped into his mouth and Brad's position forced him to tilt his head backwards. It didn't take much from Brad to make Mike hard under his touch. Only the kiss could have done that, but the fingers were making Mike's blood boil.  
  
  
  
When Brad pulled away already panting, Mike got a chance to speak. "What are you doing?"  
  
  
  
"Just let me do this, okay?" the guitarist smiled getting on his feet and trying to yank the sweatpants down.  
  
  
  
Mike lifted his butt reluctantly to help the other. Part of him was still yelling that it was weird and wrong and the other part was definitely jumping in, head first. He objected, but it was cut short by his phone buzzing once. He brains were about to force him to see what it was but the look on Brad's face stopped him. _Not now_ , he thought ignoring the phone.  
  
  
  
"Brad I don't...", he felt the words just fall out from his mouth when the guitarist kneeled in front of him.  
  
  
  
"Shut up already. You know how badly I want to do this?" Brad smirked coiling his fingers around the base.  
  
  
  
Mike threw his head back and dug his fingers to the cushion when the lips touched the tip of his cock. _What the fuck_ , his mind was screaming, not believing any of this. But he just had to trust to the feeling, cause it certainly was happening. And he definitely couldn't think now anything else than the mouth sinking, slowly engulfing him. Swirling his tongue Brad was dipping lower and lower, his lips already touching his hand. The searing wetness was making Mike's blood rush now, deafening him.  
  
  
  
Brad was totally also enjoying. When Mike dared to calm himself a little, just so that he could watch, he gulped and lifted his head turning his gaze to the guitarist. Brad had his eyes closed and a small trickle of saliva was running down his skin. Mike bit his lip at the sight. It was all freaking hot. By instinct he ran his hand over Brad's head, raking the curls and noticing a small smile on the lips that were working up and down his cock. The rigid tongue flicking over the slit and then going around the length, rubbing, was so much. Arching his back he let out an low moan trying to force himself not to buck his hips. The mouth felt way too good.  
  
  
  
Too much of different sensations flooding and he was sure he had never felt such feeling before. Such intense craving, deep arousal that his mind wasn't keeping up with it. He was lost, so totally lost, immersed in the pleasure. Brad was working him meticulously, paying attention to all small whimpers that left Mike's lips and the hips that couldn't stay still anymore, adjusting then his movements to make sure that he was doing it right. That he was serving perfect pleasure.  
  
  
  
"Brad oh my fucking god...", Mike husked trying to swallow, panting. His mouth felt suddenly like sandpaper.  
  
  
  
Brad's fingers moved rhythmically, pumping, as the lips squeezed around him tighter. A set of wonderful shivers run through Mike's spine when he felt the climax hit him. He was unable to form any proper words, but only a hoarse moan that sounded just amazing to Brad, who tried to keep up with the warm load that suddenly filled his mouth. Making the emcee orgasm was another thing, but seeing what it did to him was so, so much better. Mike blinked, his chest heaving while he tried to grasp to even a single sensible thought, failing. Cause for once his mind was totally blank, only the electricity of the euphoria invading all his senses, making his skin tingle. And his eyes were glistening, wide open, staring at Brad, who couldn't help the smile that spread on his still wet lips.  
  
  
  
"So do you still think that wasn't a good idea?" he said when Mike had finally got his breathing normalized.  
  
  
  
"Well...."  
  
  
  
"See. You're still doubting me", Brad mumbled. "I hate that."  
  
  
  
The half Asian sighed grabbing the other's hands, and pulling him back on the couch from the floor. "Not really. I am doubting myself more, I think. You know how weird this is? I have had dreams of you doing that. Literally. And now when it happens... I can't believe it. So yeah, I doubt. Me and the situation. Not you really."  
  
  
  
"So... Next time when I want to... do something like that. Don't start arguing. Please", Brad looked at him.  
  
  
  
Then there was a knock on the door and Mike almost had a heart-attack.  
  
  
  
"Well it certainly isn't Elisa again", Brad mumbled gesturing that Mike would pull the pants back up before going to open the door.  
  
  
  
Mike looked like deer in the headlights when he stumbled on his feet while grabbing the pants and walking at the door simultaneously. And totally falling from heights where his head had been.  
  
  
  
He shouldn't have been that surprised when he opened the door and Chester stood there, and the rest of the guys behind him. The blush that creeped on his cheeks was infernal, and he felt he was about to die.  
  
  
  
Rob frowned clearing his throat then which caused Mike to back away and give them space to get in. Quickly they got seats on the living room while the half Asian tried to shook his nervousness, and the fact that Brad had just sucked him off.  
  
  
  
"You're weird today", Dave stared at the emcee.  
  
  
  
"You probably don't want to know why", Brad said almost sourly.  
  
  
  
Mike gasped and shot a glance at the guitarist. "Brad stop it."  
  
  
  
The other threw his hands in the air huffing. "Fine."  
  
  
  
"What's his problem?" Joe asked crossing his ankles.  
  
  
  
"Nothing. Let's get to the issue, shall we. Reason why I called was that...", Mike started but Brad interrupted him.  
  
  
  
"We broke up with Elisa and blah blah. Should have happened long time ago", he said looking at each other of his bandmates, shock painting their faces.  
  
  
  
"Just... like that? How is that possible? Did she go crazy like Anna?" Rob was first to open his mouth.  
  
  
  
"Just like that. Like I said, it should have happened a long time ago, so it wasn't even a surprise. Glad that I got it done. And no, she was fine", Brad nodded ignoring Mike who was staring at him.  
  
  
  
"What does that mean then? Are... you two like actually together?" Dave gasped not believing any of this.  
  
  
  
"Well if Brad continues with that behavior then I would say no", Chester looked Brad straight to his eyes noticing the tension between him and the emcee.  
  
  
  
The guitarist groaned cracking his knuckles and making Mike cringe. The cast wasn't avoiding Brad on putting his bad habits into practice. "We are fine. Will be. We just had an conversation that you interrupted. It's no big deal really, I think I overreacted. How the hell were you even here that quickly?"  
  
  
  
"Yes you did. But it's fine Brad. I get it", Mike mumbled scooping him to his arms.  
  
  
  
"We were going at my place, just close by. Stupid party... Okay. So you two are together. Like really. And Elisa took it smoothly?" Chester continued throwing his hands in the air, relieved that Brad seemed calm now.  
  
  
  
"She doesn't know", Mike lifted his eyebrows squeezing the guitarist harder.  
  
  
  
"Oh. So that's how it was so easy. Well, I don't think she even needs to know", the singer said a little bit more relieved again.  
  
  
  
"You think? I feel like she should", Joe mumbled knowing he was alone with his opinion.  
  
  
  
Chester shoot a 'stop, this isn't a joke'- glance at him and got back to the issue. "So that's it then? We are happy and try to get Brad heal properly. Right?" Like he was trying to dig out any suspicion right now, so that they wouldn't have to deal with it later.  
  
  
  
"Yeah well that hasn't changed anywhere", Rob looked at Dave waiting for him to object.  
  
  
  
"Don't look at me. I don't care what you guys do at your own time. As long as Brad heals", the bassist shrugged staring at Brad.  
  
  
  
"Good. We have had time to adjust to the situation but honestly... I didn't think that you would break up with Elisa", Chester told.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head. "I didn't talk about it. Us. Before. I thought that I could fix it. But then I realized my feelings towards Mike and... I didn't even want to anymore."  
  
  
  
"And I'm honestly little baffled how this will... how we will continue as a band and kinda also afraid. But... It's okay. Guess we just have to see how it goes", Joe said feeling weird. He was happy but also all what they had done as a band forced him to think about that too.  
  
  
  
"Can we just... take each thing at the time? I'll need to call the doctor, but the cast would be removed next week. The cuts shouldn't really bother with playing, but we will see that too then", Mike said not wanting to think at all about all the possible things that could go wrong. Cause there was plenty and they had overcome only three really.  
  
  
  
"I agree but I get what you mean. We'll see about that then when we go to the rehearsals and so on. How about the interview Mike? Care to join me? Still haven't done that and...", Chester cringed.  
  
  
  
"Sure, why not... Not the same situation than then. We just have to agree what we talk about... or what questions we don't answer to", Mike shrugged looking at Brad who nodded.  
  
  
  
"Good, yeah. Well... I think we should leave you two alone again. I think you need to talk", Rob said, knowing exactly that even though they were fine they still had enormous amount of adjusting to do. And they had the party waiting that Talinda had organized, but none of them really wanted to go.  
  
  
  
"I'm not stopping you. Glad you came. Would have been a mess to explain it all on phone. Can't wait for us to get back on tour", Mike smiled getting on his feet while they headed to the door.  
  
  
  
Soon they were gone and Mike felt he was somehow again just purely confused. Cause that again, went well. But it didn't mean everything would in the future.  
  
  
  
"Are we now done with the doubt?" Brad arched his eyebrows tilting his head back to look at the emcee.  
  
  
  
"Yes Brad. For now. Sorry, I really can't help it. But I'll get over it", Mike kissed his curls sighing.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Good. So can we continue from what we left off? If you feel like it", the other smirked.  
  
  
  
"Oh my god Brad. Did I tell you already that you're driving me crazy?" Mike laughed shaking his head.  
  
  
  
\-------  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos, reviews, requests, ideas, all that- also greatly appreciated.


	19. Take me now to where I want to go

\-------  
  
  
  
"Baby do you want....", Mike was about to ask what Brad would like to eat but his expression stopped him mid sentence. "What?"  
  
  
  
"Did you just call me baby?" Brad bursted into laughter, almost falling to the floor.  
  
  
  
Mike face turned bright red. "Brad! What if I did?"  
  
  
  
"No no, it's cute. Super cute. Just... I think the 'babe' is better. But if you want to use baby... No wait, don't", the other started to explain but continued then the laughter.  
  
  
  
"Annoying asshole I say", Mike groaned smiling. "Ready for the cast removal?"  
  
  
  
"No. Not really", Brad cringed looking at the cast.  
  
  
  
Mike frowned and sighed then, sad cause of Brad's doubt. "You know, it's not like you can instantly play the guitar. Of rather, you probably can but not in a way that you probably want cause it will hurt. All your muscles... you know, they explained it to you. But, it doesn't mean that you can't. Or shouldn't. You should try and then just stop when it's too much. Don't think that it's forever. Soon you're back to the normal. If you just keep practicing."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I'm just... well mad. Cause of some asshole I have to basically start over", Brad shook his head standing up then.  
  
  
  
"Well I don't think it's like that either. The arm will be sore but you can still remember how to play. And if for some weird reason not, then we will start from scratch", Mike smiled, trying to reassure him.  
  
  
  
"We?"  
  
  
  
"Yes we. As in me and you. Cause I'm still not going anywhere. Now get your cute butt to the car cause we need to leave", the other waved his hand after making sure he got the house keys and the car keys with him.  
  
  
  
Brad had the doctor's appointment and then they would head to grocery story. Chester had scheduled the interview for the next day and Mike wasn't happy at all. He knew they had to do it, people were still worried and asking about Brad. But no matter how well they would prepare he was afraid that he would blurt something weird. They had agreed with Chester that they could talk about the attack if the police would agree with them. Mike just haven't yet made the call. Another thing he was afraid to.  
  
  
  
His mind whirled the whole appointment. The doctor took first X-rays making sure the bone had healed properly. When Mike saw the previous X-ray, taken after the attack, he cringed. It had been bad. But again he was happy Brad was even alive. Now he just wanted them to get back to the house. To get Brad back to safe. He was certainly going to enjoy the little time they had left, cause soon he couldn't protect Brad anymore. Not the way he wanted.  
  
  
  
After the cast had been taken out the doctor made sure Brad understood the instructions and would try too hard at first which would backlash. And then he said how concerned he was about Brad's weight, while tentatively looking at Mike. He still didn't eat enough, but Mike knew it was getting better. Just would took a while for him to gain the weight back.  
  
  
  
Brad was staring his feet the whole time. Listening but not really caring what the doctor had to say. But he was so glad that his arm was finally free from the annoying cast. He wanted to get back at Mike's place. To hide from all the stares and words that he never had asked to hear.  
  
  
  
Mike helped him back to the car trying not to treat him like a child. Even though Brad looked so tiny and fragile, lost. Still glancing at his arm in disbelief, trying to get used to that the cast wasn't there anymore bothering him.  
  
  
  
"Brad hey. You didn't listen the word I said...", Mike sighed when the guitarist didn't say a thing in a long while.  
  
  
  
"Sorry."  
  
  
  
"I was just asking are you okay and how does the arm feel", the half Asian mumbled.  
  
  
  
"I'm fine. It's just... weird", Brad shrugged glancing at him.  
  
  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
  
  
"About what?" the other frowned turning then back to stare outside.  
  
  
  
"That you're fine."  
  
  
  
"Yeah, just want to get back to your place. Creeps me out to be here", Brad mumbled obviously meaning the outside world. What he had avoided for weeks.  
  
  
  
"Okay. If you want you can wait in car when I do the shopping. It doesn't take long, I swear", Mike draw a tiny smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
"Sure", Brad just mumbled looking uncomfortable when they pulled in the parking lot of a mall.  
  
  
  
"Brad. It's gonna be okay. You know that right? It just takes some time for you to get used to all this", Mike said when he stopped the car.  
  
  
  
The other nodded and sighed then heavily. "I know. Just go so we can get back."  
  
  
  
Mike stroked Brad's arm briefly when he got the smile that he was waiting and left him alone. He knew he wouldn't take long, as he had said, but still the idea of leaving Brad alone even for ten minutes scared him. If Brad would panic he wouldn't be there to help. Idea of touring with the broken man horrified him. Cause if something hurt Brad it hurt him too.  
  
  
  
When he get back to the car Brad was scrolling through his phone looking just a tad bit better. No frown anymore, just straight face.  
  
  
  
"What are you doing?" Mike asked lifting the grocery bags inside the car.  
  
  
  
Brad shrugged, "Just reading through Twitter. People are weird."  
  
  
  
"How so?" the emcee asked starting the car.  
  
  
  
"They are just so worried. They don't even know me, or us, but still. Enormous amount of love", he answer pushing the phone back to his pant pocket.  
  
  
  
"Not as much as I feel. No bad comments?" Mike asked little reluctantly.  
  
  
  
"Didn't see any. I know there are but honestly I don't really even care. People talk, right? Besides the interview should probably clear things out too", the guitarist said scratching the arm that had still had the cast just an hour ago. The dry, weird looking skin made him cringe but the doctor had told that it wouldn't take too long to get to normal. All the dead skin cells needed to come off. But it wasn't too bad, just little bit itchy.  
  
  
  
They drove back to the house in silence. As Mike arranged the foods to the fridge and freezer, leaving bread and some fruits on the table Brad fiddled with his shirt a while before he sighed and headed to Mike's studio. When Mike was ready he decided he should go and see what Brad was doing.  
  
  
  
And there he was. Sitting on the couch with Mike's John Lennon Epiphone on his lap just running his fingers over the strings.  
  
  
  
"So from all of my guitars you picked that one?" Mike arched his eyebrow and tilted his head.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head smiling. "Of course. Sure I bought it for you but..."  
  
  
  
"Yeah yeah yeah... Play with it while you can. How does it feel like?" Mike sat beside him lifting his leg on top of the other.  
  
  
  
"Well first I wanted to smash the guitar but then I thought you might get mad if I did. So... I calmed myself down. Just... tried to get used to how the strings feel under my fingertips. Fucking weird", Brad groaned.  
  
  
  
"Yes please, don't smash it. I love that guitar", Mike cringed looking the item protectively.  
  
  
  
"Cause it was a present from me?" Brad blinked feeling the giddiness take over.  
  
  
  
"Obviously Brad. I don't even love the guitars that were originally yours that much", Mike chuckled blushing slightly.  
  
  
  
"That's good. Did something right then", Brad nodded staring at the guitar.  
  
  
  
"You don't usually buy that kind of gifts to people, right?" the emcee asked but when the words fell from his mouth he realized he was headed to wrong direction.  
  
  
  
"What's that supposed to... Mike!" Brad gasped staring at the other who blushed now heavily.  
  
  
  
"I'm just kidding", the emcee shrugged his voice disappearing.  
  
  
  
"No you weren't. But you're cute when you're jealous so I'll forgive you. To answer your question, no, I didn't buy this kind of gift for him. Or any kind to be exact. Do I need to remind you that it was just fucking? And... sorts", the guitarist pointed out.  
  
  
  
"Right. Wait what? And sorts? What does that mean?" Mike cleared his throat feeling nervous. _Why am I even asking that,_ he thought.  
  
  
  
"You can't just content to the idea that we had sex? You need to know how it happened", Brad arched his eye brow. He was greatly amused by the talk. And not only cause how terribly cute Mike was, blushing nervously.  
  
  
  
"Well... yes you can tell if you want", Mike rolled his eyes trying to hide his interest.  
  
  
  
"Are you getting horny by the idea of me and Tomo having sex?" Brad almost chuckled but kept his face straight anyway.  
  
  
  
Mike blushed again dropping his head. "Errrrm... Well not exactly. Just the idea of you having sex."  
  
  
  
"Oh right...", Brad arched his brow and bursted into laughter.  
  
  
  
"Brad! That's mean!" the emcee pouted, acting hurt.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head and placed the guitar gently on the floor to lean to the side of the couch. "Come here and I'll tell you all about it."  
  
  
  
Mike snorted and climbed on Brad's lap weirded out that they were that way. Until Brad squeezed his ass chuckling.  
  
  
  
"You are mean... Spill it out then. But please spare me from the details", the half Asian squinted his eyes and grinned then.  
  
  
  
"Such fun", Brad wiggled his eyebrow, "didn't know you were into dirty talking."  
  
  
  
"Who said I was?"  
  
  
  
"Ha! Then what exactly would it be if I would tell about how I loved the blowjob behind the stage? Or...", Brad said stopping to think.  
  
  
  
Mike laughed shaking his head then. "Okay okay..."  
  
  
  
"Could we... Maybe do it the other way around", Brad mumbled and bit his lip.  
  
  
  
"Oh... Uhm. I have never done it that... well I had never done it in the other way either until... you know", Mike stared at the other almost shocked by the idea.  
  
  
  
"So you... wouldn't like it?" Brad asked feeling weird cause of the subject.  
  
  
  
"Well... how would I know when I haven't tried."  
  
  
  
"But you don't hate the idea?" the guitarist smiled squeezing Mike's butt again which caused the other let out a bright laugh.  
  
  
  
"No I don't hate the idea. Kinda makes me think what it would be like so... okay", Mike shrugged.  
  
  
  
"Weird huh? Never would I have thought I would actually have conversation about this", Brad shook his head laughing.  
  
  
  
"But I'm glad we can actually talk about this. Even though I do agree it's weird. Maybe it isn't so weird after a while?" the half Asian smiled stroking Brad's cheek.  
  
  
  
The other was about to answer but Mike's phone ringing interrupted him. The emcee picked up the phone and furrowed his brows.  
  
  
  
"Yes. What? He... shit. Okay. Well yes. I will. Thank you."  
  
  
  
Then he closed the line and just sat there staring at the phone mouth hanging open.  
  
  
  
"Mike?" Brad asked frowning.  
  
  
  
"The man. The attacker. He confessed. But he hadn't been targeting you, but the other man... who died. They didn't tell me the reason but... yeah", the emcee finally said.  
  
  
  
"What?! So I have... shit. I almost died cause he had mistaken me for another person?" Brad gasped confused. He was angry and relieved too. Doubt shone brightly in his eyes.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. But you're free now", Mike said smiling.  
  
  
  
"Free from what exactly?" the guitarist wasn't following Mike's train of thought.  
  
  
  
"Fear Brad. You don't need to fear anymore cause now we know he was alone", the other sighed and kissed him.  
  
  
  
\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated!


	20. Fly me up on a silver wing

\-------  
  
  
  
Back in the daily routines. Back to rehearsing. Back to the what once was but now it wasn't at all the same. Brad wasn't sorry that it wasn't. He was happy. And maybe he had never been that happy. Even when the future scared him, touring and all that after the attack, he was more relaxed now when it was certain the attacker had been acting alone.  
  
  
  
"You know you'll probably are able to play more songs tomorrow?" Mike asked when he opened the front door for them to get in.  
  
  
  
"Well, not exactly what I was thinking", the other snickered also glad how thoughtful the other was.  
  
  
  
"Okay?" the half Asian turned to gaze him.  
  
  
  
"That too yes. I know it won't be painful after a while. I don't really even mind that. Cause I can take pain meds if it isn't for ever. But the numbness is annoying. I was thinking just how lucky I am", Brad shrugged.  
  
  
  
The other nodded staring at the arm by instinct. Instantly he felt the sting in his heart when he thought about the situation. "Yeah. So you were. As we were too. Can we not talk about that? I can't really think what it would be like to actually lose you."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Sure. So do you think we are now on schedule?" Brad wondered aloud. It was really him who knew the answer, not anyone else.  
  
  
  
"Maybe. We'll see how it goes. If we need to cancel more shows then that's what we'll do. I won't let you on stage if you're not hundred percent okay", the emcee raised his eyebrow and sat on the couch kicking his shoes off.  
  
  
  
"Yeah but..."  
  
  
  
"Brad. No buts. I don't care. I know it means lots of money and lots of stuff to be handled, but I still don't care. What if you're not fully healed and we start the tour? And then you suddenly can't play properly. That would mean we would have to cancel again. So rather do it now, don't you think?" Mike shook his head watching as Brad once again climbed on his lap.  
  
  
  
His way to deal with things, his way to talk about things. Mike had analyzed that it was just Brad. He felt comfortable there, straddling him and the hands either on his sides or on his shoulders. And Mike wouldn't have changed it, even when sometimes he thought that was one way for Brad to avoid talking some subjects. Or change the subject.  
  
  
  
"Okay. My point was rather that, that I think I'll be ready but I'll tell if I am not. It was easier today again than yesterday. So... I assume it will heal just fine as it has been this far", the guitarist stared at the arm, flexed his fingers and then trailed them down Mike's side.  
  
  
  
"And that tickles", Mike scrunched his nose when the fingers found a certain spot just around his lower ribs.  
  
  
  
"Didn't know you are ticklish", Brad chuckled.  
  
  
  
Mike rolled his eyes. "Yes you did. You have just forgotten that cause... you have never really touched me like that."  
  
  
  
"Oh... So it's a good thing too", a devious smile spread on Brad's face.  
  
  
  
"Brad no. I know that look. You're not starting to tickle me", the half Asian laughed.  
  
  
  
"Well... Something else then?" Brad's smile just got broader when he let his hand wander to Mike's waistband and then quickly under it.  
  
  
  
Mike gasped feeling his cheeks burn as the hand wrapped around his member. "Damn..."  
  
  
  
Brad let out a laughter when he noticed how unsure Mike was.  
  
  
  
"Are you laughing at me Delson? Smug bastard" the emcee shook his head amused by Brad's reaction, the man gloating.  
  
  
  
"Yes. You not in control is the most hilarious thing ever", Brad raised his eyebrow and cocked his head.  
  
  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
"Well you trust me right?" Brad leaned closer staring him and giving a small reassuring kiss on the parted lips that belonged to the confused emcee.  
  
  
  
"Yeah... Yes I do. What does that mean then?" Mike gasped watching as Brad pulled his shirt off, just wanting to feel the tanned skin under his fingers.  
  
  
  
"You remember the talk the day when the police called?"  
  
  
  
"Sure...", Mike laughed nervously.  
  
  
  
Brad climbed up from the lap to his feet and grabbed Mike's hand. "Come then."  
  
  
  
Mike followed him to the bedroom, still as unsure as when they started the talk. And aroused. Brad was rather quick to pull his own shirt off and start with Mike's pants as they reached the room. The emcee watched Brad, who was taking total control, eager to get the unnecessary fabric from the way, and feel his hot skin against his own.  
  
  
  
He was certainly surrendering, even when he had no idea where it would lead. It was intimidating feeling, and that feeling made him second guess. Himself more than Brad. But now he was letting his throbbing cock decide as Brad pushed him on the bed and followed then on top of him.  
  
  
  
After a quick smirk and an inhale, Brad dipped down connecting their lips hungrily. Instantly his hands landed on Mike's body, traveling across the chest, then down on the sides. Feeling out, enjoying the smooth skin. As Brad pulled away gasping, sucking air to his lungs Mike concentrated again to Brad's actions. How beautiful he looked when he watched Mike, eyes following his hands, burning with lust but also adoration.  
  
  
  
"So... Uhm. It doesn't mean that I am an expert cause I wanted to try this so... But, I ask that... say if I do something wrong but... Just trust me.", Brad bit down to his lip staring at the brown eyes that were fixated on his.  
  
  
  
Mike was breathtaking and it was exciting. In every way possible. Taking the lead and hopefully making Mike enjoy. But he needed to trust himself too, which he didn't know was he able to. He leaned down and nipped Mike's nipple, teasingly trying to get an answer. The emcee had apparently lost his words since he was just whimpering at the feeling, not able to turn his gaze away from the other.  
  
  
  
"God you're so tense. And so fucking hard", Brad mumbled hovering over the rosy bud and brushed his hand along the erection that was poking his thigh.  
  
  
  
"Just... continue please. Don't stop", Mike pleaded still scared what was about to come but more than willing to find out was it for him or not.  
  
  
  
"Close your eyes for me?" Brad whispered. He knew it was a lot to ask in this situation but he wanted to try that kind of approach. He loved Mike's stare but now it felt like the other was just getting more nervous with his every action.  
  
  
  
As Mike did, with a gasp, he reached the lube from the bedside table and added it generously on his fingers. Mike bit down to his lip when he heard the bottle open, but kept his eyes shut anyway. But then Brad's tongue was on his cock and he inhaled sharply forcing himself not to buck his hips which was his first instinct.  
  
  
  
The guitarist swirled his tongue around the tip before wrapping his mouth around it. Listening Mike's breathing he sunk it further down just to stop then, waiting for the other to relax. The emcee moaned when the tip hit the roof of Brad's mouth throwing his head back. Clenching his other fist to the sheet he soon noticed that his other hand was on top of Brad's head, sinking in the curls that have gotten rather long. The mouth started to work him, slowly. Way too slowly. It felt even better than last time.  
  
  
  
First he didn't even remember that Brad had already used the lube but as the finger tickled his entrance carefully trying to push in he realized what was Brad's plan. Swallowing hard he tried to ignore the weird feeling. It certainly didn't hurt, but he anticipated it anyway. Not knowing anything about how this worked he just had to trust Brad as the other had asked. When the finger pushed deeper he gasped shooting his eyes open.  
  
  
  
The guitarist ceased all his actions and just stared at him, Mike's cock deep inside his mouth. Mike bit back the moan that was about to escape when the finger moved again and then the mouth engulfed him, starting to move. It was still way too slow. Way too good too. Soon there was more pressure, in a form of another finger, but the tongue doing it's magic made him relax almost instantly. More suction, and little bit more speed but Brad was being patient, watching his every movement and expression.  
  
  
  
Mike gasped in disappointment when suddenly the mouth disappeared leaving him anxious for more. Scissoring his fingers Brad leaned closer, wanting to kiss those lips that were quivering with arousal.  
  
  
  
"You okay?" he whispered, Mike's hand stroking his cheek.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Very much so", the emcee answered, how voice quiet and raspy, still trying to decide was the weird feeling good or bad, now since his rock hard member wasn't getting any attention.  
  
  
  
"Want me to continue?" Brad asked giving him a short kiss and staying there, looking his eyes just inches away. Just to tell that he was still there. Wanting Mike to want it as bad as he did too. Which he obviously did, based on every single signal he gave. All the tiny gasps and shivers. Lip biting and staring him, his eyes wide with lust.  
  
  
  
"Please", Mike gulped, not turning his gaze from the eyes that were intensively fixated on his.  
  
  
  
Brad didn't say a thing, he just pulled his fingers out and leaned back to grab the lube again. Mike held his breathe, but only thing in his mind was that how freaking hot Brad looked right at that moment. Adjusting himself Brad pushed himself to the tight heat but stopped when Mike cringed and groaned.  
  
  
  
"Uhm....", he gasped blinking his eyes. He had only the tip in but it was just the most amazing feeling he had felt in a while. But Mike looking like he was in pain wasn't what he wanted.  
  
  
  
"Just... Hang on. This is so, so, so weird....", Mike mumbled barely able to speak. Now it was bad weird and he wondered should he just give up. The pain wasn't bad, but the pressure was.  
  
  
  
Brad dipped down to fuse their lips together, smothering all the hesitation and fear. Mike purred in his mouth, squirming under him. Brad's lips were enthralling, tingling. The tongue run over his lower lip, devouring his taste and then dipped in the mouth getting instant response from the emcee.  
  
  
  
"Fuck", Brad threw his head back when Mike pushed against him, burying his cock deeper. Insane tightness, so much more than he thought it would be.  
  
  
  
Then the emcee was grabbing his face, pulling back down to a kiss, whimpering. "Go already. I trust you. I think I can manage." Which he honestly did, the fear was just almost getting the best of him.  
  
  
  
Brad hold on to his waist and started slowly, staring at the other and enjoying now how his facial expression changed from the hesitation to another kind of confusion and excitement.  
  
  
  
Mike lifted his legs up to Brad's waist his mind trying to overanalyze the whole situation. But Brad's tongue coming to lick his lips and the hands running up his thighs was pushing that aside, filling his mind.  
  
  
  
"Mike, you're beautiful", Brad smiled panting heavenly. His pace wasn't no where near fast but the squeeze around his member was just heavenly.  
  
  
  
The half Asian just shook his head, something between smile and frown on his face, not being able to form any actual words. The other smirked and grabbed Mike's cock that was leaking precum, waiting to be touched. A deep moan erupted from Mike's throat when the hand started to stroke him. Brad might have not been expert on this but he certainly was making his mind explode. He was a mess, wriggling and eliciting all kinds of wonderful noises between his slightly parted lips.  
  
  
  
"Holy...", he managed to gulp when the hand twisted his length, sending him floating.  
  
  
  
Brad leaned again down, wanting to feel Mike's hot body against him, as close as possible, his hand still between their bodies pumping the emcee. A breath catch on Mike's throat and he dug his fingers to Brad's back, pulling him closer, deeper. The thin, rather skilled fingers, felt amazing on his rock hard member, and shivers run down his back.  
  
  
  
"Not that I have waited this but... I have waited this", Brad's breath fanned his cheek just before the lips landed there, continuing down on his neck and collarbone, leaving tiny kisses behind.  
  
  
  
Mike squirmed throwing his head back when he felt the orgasm rush over him, way too soon and suddenly. Brad moaned when the ring of muscles contracted around him and Mike's cum painted his chest, sending him over the edge too. Not in a million years he would have believed that this would actually happen. Which added just more to the immense pleasure that electrified him. Mike was still squirming and whimpering when he rode out his own orgasm, raspy breaths escaping his mouth. The emcee's expression was making him smile. Eyes shut and nose scrunched, biting down his lip. Looking absolutely marvelous in his euphoria.  
  
  
  
"Still alive?" Brad chuckled pulling out and rolling next to the emcee, causing Mike to cringe at the feeling.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I think. Kinda", Mike opened his eyes and turned his head to look at the other. "That was..."  
  
  
  
"Amazing?"  
  
  
  
"Weird I was going to say", Mike let out a little laugh.  
  
  
  
Brad frowned. "You didn't like it?"  
  
  
  
"Well that's not what I was saying. Just... purely weird. Wasn't it weird for you on the first time? Like... I have no idea why this is such an awkward subject. We're not teenagers anymore", Mike rolled his eyes at himself.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, yeah it was", Brad said his mind going back to his first experience, which was blurred cause of obvious reasons. "Does that mean you regret it?"  
  
  
  
"Brad no, I didn't say that either", Mike smiled softly amazed how Brad seemed so fragile suddenly again. He swung his arms over the guitarist and pulled him closer.  
  
  
  
"Okay. So... You looked... Fuck. You looked amazing. Enjoying", Brad mumbled still flattered that he had caused it.  
  
  
  
The emcee chuckled kissing Brad's nose tip. "Well, I was. Don't think that cause it was weird that I didn't like it. Maybe it gets better, not being that weird next time."  
  
  
  
Brad nodded. If Mike trusted in him, he had to trust that Mike was also speaking the truth. "It sure does. Get better."  
  
  
  
"Eeeeerrm... You're thinking about him right now...", Mike cringed teasingly.  
  
  
  
"It was you asking does it get better. That's the only thing I can compare to you know", Brad raised his eyebrow grinning.  
  
  
  
"Okay. So there's my goal then. Making you forget him", the other chuckled.  
  
  
  
"Oh lord", Brad's eyes widened as his cheeks burned.  
  
  
  
"Besides it's weird that we are even talking about that in bed but... I get that it was your first so... Yeah, there's no comparison. And even I am slightly jealous, I still think that it wasn't wrong. If it made you then satisfied... Well feeling better in anyway then I am glad that you did it. You know how much I love you. Thinking about you feeling lonely makes my heart ache. So I rather take the fact that you were with him than that you would have been miserable", Mike told stroking now Brad's cheek feeling the coarse beard under his fingers.  
  
  
  
Brad closed the gap and kissed him, smiling. "Thank you. I don't regret it. It was just something that I wouldn't have done later. Or now if I would be in same situation. But back then it was my choice."  
  
  
  
"Brad you're beautiful... Breathtaking. I have missed that smile so much", Mike muttered.  
  
  
  
The other rolled his eyes. "I have smiled."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. But not like that in a long time... Not like you're happy. Even more than back then when...", Mike shook his head stroking Brad's back.  
  
  
  
"Well, I am. Happy", Brad answered speaking the honest truth.  
  
  
  
"So am I. And you smiling makes me even happier", the emcee sighed contently pushing their lips together.  
  
  
  
  
\---------  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and reviews are also highly appreciated!


	21. So come even closer to me

\-------  
  
  
  
"You ready?" Mike asked reluctant to leave.  
  
  
  
"No", Brad sighed leaning back on the couch.  
  
  
  
The emcee bit his lip and tilted his head fiddling with the car keys, "Brad, I know you're scared but it will be fine."  
  
  
  
More days had passed and it was finally time to do the interview they had been planning. They had decided that it would be better that Rob would stay with Brad cause Mike wasn't comfortable in leaving the guitarist alone. They would be driving to the other side of the town with Chester, and even the thought of Brad staying alone that long was making Mike cringe. And then there was the interview. Which as an idea made him nervous. He only hoped that he wouldn't blurt out something he wasn't supposed to. It would be a catastrophe.  
  
  
  
"Okay, let's go", Chester said looking worriedly at the guitarist. The faster they got the interview done, the faster Mike would be back home to take care of Brad.  
  
  
  
"I'll be back soon. You know that", Mike mumbled and kissed Brad who had grabbed his hand and wasn't letting go.  
  
  
  
The guitarist nodded and with a disappointed squeak let the other leave. Sighing heavily he dropped his head when the door closed behind the two.  
  
  
  
"He is back in no time Brad", Rob patted his shoulder carefully.  
  
  
  
"I know", the other mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Do you want to go outside?" the drummer suggested getting a nod back from the other.  
  
  
  
Brad had still hard time in going outside where there were lots of people, but he enjoyed the quietness of Mike's backyard. Mike had briefed Rob about it and what he should remember but overall he was sure Rob would handle it perfectly well. Brad maybe not, but that wasn't Rob's fault then.  
  
  
  
Once outside Brad sat to his favorite place which was a light colored wooden couch with many soft cushions. There he could see the whole yard and the door leading inside. Rob handed him a bottle of water which Mike had left on the table, insisting that Brad would drink it. The guitarist took the bottle but rolled his eyes.  
  
  
  
"So. How are you holding up?" Rob asked. He was curious to hear how he friend was doing, without Mike interpreting him, or talking behalf of him. Sometimes he wondered did they have a mind of their own, or only one shared.  
  
  
  
"Fine. I think. The arm is achy at nights but otherwise it's good", Brad shrugged crossing his legs.  
  
  
  
"I meant you. Not the arm, not your back, and certainly not Mike. You", Rob sighed.  
  
  
  
The other paused to think. Basically he was. But then again he didn't know was he really or not.  
  
  
  
"I think I am fine. But... I don't know. I'm afraid that I can't handle the touring. I want to, but I am scared", he answered not sure was that the whole truth.  
  
  
  
"Okay. So what are you afraid most?" the other asked watching Brad cross his legs and lean to his elbows.  
  
  
  
"Maybe... Like, if the arm breaks. And then we need to cancel shows. But then I was also thinking about the meet and greets. What if someone grabs me and I panic?" the guitarist mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Then it happens. You... You just can't avoid all the possible situations where something bad might happen. You know?" Rob looked him compassionately. He understood perfectly why Brad was scared, but being scared and avoiding things cause of that might lead to worse problems. And it wasn't a solution anyway.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I get that. And I think once we get the cycle going I will relax. But for now I am anxious", Brad nodded opening the water bottle.  
  
  
  
"And we will be there. You know that too. Even if something happens and Mike can't", Rob said causing Brad flinch from the thought. "Speaking of, how are you two?"  
  
  
  
"I have no fucking clue. He still second guesses me, I know it. But... I think he trusts me more now. And why wouldn't he be second guessing me when I am too."  
  
  
  
"You mean... about you two? Like being together", Rob arched his eyebrow surprised.  
  
  
  
"Well... kinda. It's not that I don't want to be with him. It's the opposite. But I can't still not think about is that smart", Brad said and was about to continue when Rob shook his head.  
  
  
  
"I'm not having that. He might be second guessing cause he had loved you so long and then it's suddenly reciprocated... You do realize how that can mess up someone's head? So let him do that and you focus on your healing and the happiness, okay?" Rob stared at him sternly.  
  
  
  
Brad nodded turning his gaze away. "Yeah. Which he does."  
  
  
  
"Does what?"  
  
  
  
"Makes me happy", Brad smiled like a smitten schoolgirl.  
  
  
  
"See. That's a good sign. So don't fight it. You two do your thing. Nothing wrong in that. God... I never thought this would actually happen. I was certain that you would just move back home and he would have to continue living miserably alone. And when you kissed... Well that then too. And I honestly thought you were just taking advantage of him. I don't mean actually doing it on purpose but just like holding on to the last straw. He was being one to comfort you, so you gave something back", Rob studied his face.  
  
  
  
"I don't wonder why. So he was miserable then? Like... I know he was. He told me. But it was that bad?" Brad asked biting his lip.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. It was that bad. It was bad before Anna left him but after that it got worse. He knew he had to just continue cause there was nothing else he could do, but then he started having these nightmares that you knew about his feelings and started to hate him. So I got calls at like three AM of him panicking. I hated it. Not that I was the only one that could help, but that he was so miserable. And cause I knew there was nothing that could really help, except time", Rob sighed heavily thinking about that time. It seemed like it was so far away now.  
  
  
  
"That's horrible", Brad mumbled feeling partially to blame about that, and not even sure how to respond. Not that he could have done anything anyway.  
  
  
  
"It was. He was a real mess. And then he had to hide it again in front of us. You. So I am really glad it's over now and you two can focus to the future, what ever it then is", Rob nodded and draw a small smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
"Me too. I don't want to see him hurt", Brad nodded smiling.  
  
  
  
On the other side of the town Chester and Mike got comfortable on a small leather couch while the interviewer got ready. He was man on his thirties, wearing a worn out Mötley Crüe shirt and black jeans. Polite and happy, and the first thing he did was to tell he was a huge Linkin Park fan. That all had eased Mike's feelings. Maybe the interview would go just fine.  
  
  
  
"So! You of course know I have to talk about the incident, cause everybody wants to know what happened and how you guys are dealing with it. How has the time been now? You haven't done any interviews, and cancelled bunch or shows cause the guitarist couldn't play, right?"  
  
  
  
 _Okay. Start with the heavy stuff,_ Mike rolled his eyes inwardly.  
  
  
  
"Well of course we are all disappointed that we had to change the schedule and cancel few big shows but most important thing is that Brad gets better. Which he has. Still recovery to do, but he got the cast off and is playing guitar already", Chester answered without really even thinking about. It was so natural.  
  
  
  
"And we are glad he is. How has he taken the situation? He was at home then when it happened so that's like... your safe area. The zone where you normally are happy and relaxed."  
  
  
  
"I think that was... well still is the main reason why he is on the edge. It takes time for you to get over such thing. But of course now since the guy is caught and will be sentenced we are ready to move on", Chester answered once again before Mike even got a chance to think how he would form his words. The singer gave him a quick glance, reassuring.  
  
  
  
"So I heard he broke his arm? Is the arm healed or how does it go? You said he plays already?"  
  
  
  
"Yes. He didn't broke it but the attacker did. And cut his back. The arm is healed now yes. He is playing guitar, but of course since he hasn't used the arm in a long time it hurts. Not too bad, but you know. After several songs it gets tired. We have managed to play full length rehearsal show just supervising the situation so we are getting there", Mike said now when Chester gave him time to think.  
  
  
  
"Brilliant news. Fans, well me included, were really worried about what's gonna happen. So there wasn't any time when you thought that it would be better to delete more shows or maybe even end it all?"  
  
  
  
Mike cringed at the thought trying to remain calm.  
  
  
  
"There was time when Brad didn't talk. You know, the trauma and amnesia. So we were worried. But we didn't want to give up. Or make him get the impression that we were. Thus we decided we handle that then, if he doesn't heal. We were lucky enough that he didn't die. So... taken that into consideration the band wasn't our first priority", Chester said staring at Mike who looked like he was going to puke.  
  
  
  
"How does he feel now when you're about to start the tour again?"  
  
  
  
"Anxious, but also excited. He can't wait to get back on stage but all the fuss around it is intimidating", Mike said and realized after he had probably mumbled.  
  
  
  
"That's great to hear. I am sure he will be fine when you get on the road", the interviewer said smiling and then changed the subject which was a huge relief for Mike.  
  
  
  
And the rest of the interview they talked about the album, collaborations and what was their message behind some songs. Mike let mostly Chester talk, feeling exhausted. He had been so nervous of the whole interview, and now it was over. It just didn't mean that the next interviews would go so smoothly.  
  
  
  
"That went well", Chester notified after they had driven some time back to Mike's, in silence.  
  
  
  
"Surprisingly well. The guy was smart not to pry too much. Considering that it was our first interview I get the questions. After a while... I will mess up and blurt something I shouldn't have", Mike groaned.  
  
  
  
Chester laughed shaking his head. "No you won't. Your professional self won't let you do it."  
  
  
  
"Mhm. Okay, you have a point there. I never relax that much in interviews", the half Asian nodded in agreement. He had never blurted out something he would regret later. Chester had. Well, more like something he would regret, not the singer.  
  
  
  
"So you're happy now with Brad?" Chester asked interested how they were doing. They haven't talked that much about their relationship and it was still a new thing for all of them.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Definitely. Still somewhat unsure cause it was so sudden, but I try not to doubt him", Mike nodded.  
  
  
  
"You mean he falling in love with you?"  
  
  
  
"No, he said he had loved me before. But yeah, me knowing it. I just... I can't just stop thinking what would have happened if we would have talked before. He said he had feelings before, but cause of the attack they got stronger. So what if I would have spoken about my feelings before that? Or he... I don't blame him, not at all. Just wondering. But anyway, I love him and he apparently loves me which I still find awkward", Mike explained smiling.  
  
  
  
"I don't really wonder why. You just have to trust him. Just like he does you", the singer glanced him.  
  
  
  
"I do. There are just moments when I second-guess this whole thing. But I'm not letting it bug me. Besides if I wouldn't trust him I would have let him... oh wait maybe I shouldn't go there", the half Asian said blushing.  
  
  
  
"Don't do that!" Chester laughed, "If you start something to tell the rest. Cause now you got me curious especially when you're blushing and I can't drop it."  
  
  
  
Mike rolled his eyes cursing his big mouth. "Not a big deal. We just had sex. Again."  
  
  
  
"Okay. So that's good. Sex is always good", Chester shrugged missing the point partially.  
  
  
  
"Yeah... But we switched. Which was super awkward but... I kinda liked it. Jeez, never in million years would I have believed that I would have sex with a man. Or with him. Even though I dreamt about it many, many times", Mike gasped then biting his lip so he wouldn't continue the talk.  
  
  
  
"Okay... I have no idea how does that work usually, except what my imagination tells me. Not that you would need to tell me. Even though, as you know, I don't mind talking about sex. Oh wait! Now I get it! That's what you meant with the trusting. Okay, so that is definitely a good thing too then", the other said smiling.  
  
  
  
"For sure yeah. I have no idea where this is going but... He still has some healing to do and we need to focus to that."  
  
  
  
"Yeah but you're helping him every day. Just by being there for him and loving him. You know that right? He wouldn't have gotten better if you wouldn't have been there. Honestly I can't see that fast recovery with Elisa, since they had issues in the background", Chester noted as they parked the car and got out.  
  
  
  
Mike nodded, not really knowing how to answer to that. Of course he could agree to that. But there was still the voice in the back of his mind telling him the complete opposite.  
  
  
  
They walked in and Mike noticed the door to the patio open and knew they would be there with Rob. He was glad to see Brad relaxed and talking with the drummer. Just absolutely calm.  
  
  
  
When Brad noticed him he jumped up and straight to his lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.  
  
  
  
"Missed you", the guitarist murmured to his ear.  
  
  
  
"Yeah", Mike answered mumbling, holding him tight.  
  
  
  
Rob changed looks with the singer both smiling and shaking their heads.  
  
  
  
Mike pushed the guitarist backwards following with and made him sit down. Brad draw his legs to his chest and crawled under Mike's arm instantly, almost purring with happiness. Mike sighed smiling and kissed Brad's forehead drawing him closer.  
  
  
  
"It went well?" Brad asked totally ignoring Rob and Chester now.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Better than I expected", the emcee answered staring at the other. "Hope they all will be in future."  
  
  
  
Brad's eyes were sparkling in the most wonderful way and for once the voice in the back of Mike's head was absolutely silent.  
  
  
  
"My work here is done", Chester said, like he had actually done something.  
  
  
  
Rob laughed rolling his eyes but Mike wasn't paying any attention to them. All he saw now was Brad staring him, looking utterly happy.  
  
  
  
"We're gonna leave. See you tomorrow", Rob said pushing the chuckling singer back inside.  
  
  
  
"Yeah", Mike answered glancing them quickly before turning his focus back on Brad.  
  
  
  
"I'm so happy to have you", he mumbled when the guitarist craned his neck to kiss him.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. So am I. Happy you have me", Brad nodded still smiling nuzzling his neck.  
  
  
  
\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all! Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts on the story! Kudos are also greatly appreciated, amongst reads and reviews.


	22. Now I find myself in question

\------  
  
  
  
"Fuck", Brad gasped taking a step back, away from the stage.  
  
  
  
The crowd was cheering, but due to the even there wasn't that many people. For him those could just have been thousands. As scary it was. Or maybe it was just cause of that. He could see every face. Every facial expression, if he would just look. Which he refused to do. All those people waited how he would perform. Judging every possible move, thinking why he did this or that. If he would play wrong they would think it was cause of the arm. Or that he was just mentally broken. Which he was. Certainly. At least now. The anxiety was squeezing his heart, making it so damned hard to breathe.  
  
  
  
"You can do it. You know that", Mike whispered in his ear touching his back slightly.  
  
  
  
He wanted to kiss Brad so badly. But he knew they weren't alone. Even if the band associates had been briefed about their relationship there were others that didn't know. Others who could inform the media. And then there was the crowd too.  
  
  
They had spent too long in the car before the show. Brad clinging to him, falling back to his reluctant non-speaking state. Mike managed to talk him out of this, but now, there they were again. Brad looked like deer in the headlights, ready to ran at any second. Swallowing hard constantly, checking behind him and squeezing the guitar neck knuckles white.  
  
  
  
But the cue came and Jim pushed them on the stage. Mike tried to not stare at Brad too much, so that the people wouldn't wonder why. Even though when it would be somewhat normal in that situation. But, then again him staring would make the crowd think he was worried. Which he certainly didn't want to show. That would just lead to more questions. And then cause Brad to shut down.  
  
  
  
Brad disappeared in to the songs. To the only three they played. Playing just like he normally would. Only thing was that he was sitting, so he couldn't really just turn his back to the crowd. He interacted as little as possible with them anyway, and that way managed through. He kept chewing his lips, trying to focus to the breathing, keeping his gaze on the guitar. The crowd had so many familiar faces, mostly people inside the label and some other bands and their friends. Which was same time good, and bad. They knew him and they were compassionate. But cause of that they had the pity, which strange people wouldn't have as visible in their eyes.  
  
  
  
When they were finished he escaped to the room they had used before the show, which was actually just a storage space, as fast as possible leaving the others handle the rest. Gasping he started to pace around balling up his shaking hands. He wasn't able to calm himself down. The weight on his chest was just getting worse, suffocating him.  
  
  
  
"Brad", Mike came to the room, instantly pulling him to his arms. "It's okay. You were amazing."  
  
  
  
"I can't breathe", Brad trembled, squeezing him so hard that Mike wondered where all the strength came suddenly.  
  
  
  
"I know. Try. Just try. I'm here", the half Asian muttered running his hands up and down Brad's back massaging the tense muscles.  
  
  
  
Brad was breathing heavily, but the trembling was slowly subsiding, changing to small shivers. Mike didn't know how long they were there before Chester entered the room looking at them worried.  
  
  
  
"Is he okay?" the singer asked.  
  
  
  
Mike kissed Brad's cheek and nodded to him, receiving a careful smile back. "Slowly, yes."  
  
  
  
"Brad there's really nothing to worry about. You did really well. The few I talked with were amazed that you actually played already", Chester tried to reassure him.  
  
  
  
Brad bit his lip and glanced at Mike, reluctant to say anything. Silence was his comfort again. If only he could just escape back to Mike's. But there was the after party to be handled, and he wasn't ready. At all. Only thing he wanted was to crawl to Mike's lap and listen to his soothing words.  
  
  
  
"Hey. I'm still with you. Even if there would be thousands of people, I am here. And Chester is there too. So is Rob, Dave and Joe. You know they were watching the whole time. And the people there... They all know what happened and don't blame you for being antisocial", Mike stroked his arm entwining their fingers then.  
  
  
  
"Do we... I know we have to. But... Could we not stay long?" Brad mumbled barely coherently.  
  
  
  
Mike tilted his head smiling, "Oh babe... We don't need to stay long. Just get you relaxed and used to the people. They know not to rush to talk with you, and I'll handle it if there's some problem. Any problem. Deal, okay?"  
  
  
  
Reluctantly the other nodded and sighed when Mike hugged him again. Then he inhaled loudly as Mike pushed him out of the room releasing his hand. The worst thing was that they couldn't just stay wrapped to each other. Now Mike was watching as Brad walked to the back of the room and sat on a couch, avoiding all contact to the other people. He went to grab beers for them and joined him.  
  
  
  
Chester was being himself, handling all the fuss in the room like a professional he was. Rob joined Brad and Mike soon on the couch. Joe had disappeared to talk with Heidi, and Dave was chatting with Mark just close by.  
  
  
  
"Brad", Mike sighed and poked the guitarist carefully when he noticed that Brad was chewing his lip again.  
  
  
  
Brad had to use all his willpower to ignore the urge to crawl under Mike's arm and pull his knees to his chest. But after a while he realized no one was staring him with bad intentions. There were few glances and light nods with smiles, but otherwise he was left alone. He relaxed slowly, and now Mike could also finally sigh in relief. The emcee gave him a bright smile and leaned back on the couch exchanging some words with Rob.  
  
  
  
There was really no need for Mike and Brad to speak though. Mike could feel every single nervous gasp that left Brad's lips, when there was a loud noise somewhere in the room. Or the almost silent chuckle when Rob told a joke as casually as he normally did. Chester was also keeping an eye on Brad. Even though he was entertaining the guests and signing few autographs his mind was still with the anxious guitarist and the emcee that was worried cause of his love wasn't at his best.  
  
  
  
But then, as Mike watched Rob walk to get a glass of wine, he noticed Jared and Shannon at the other side of the room and realized that Tomo should be there too. Maybe. He tensed up instantly, weirded out how even the thought of seeing Tomo was stirring him. He sensed Brad staring him but ignored it, just keeping his gaze on to Chester and what he was doing, while trying to find Tomo from the crowd.  
  
  
  
"Mike", Brad said on his ear, like he had had tried to get his attention already a while.  
  
  
  
The half Asian glanced him but turned his head back again. He knew Brad could read him like an open book and he didn't want to cause any problems. Or make Brad feel weird. Straightening his jacket he turned his gaze to his jeans and the ripped knees, picking at the fibers.  
  
  
  
"Okay spill it out before I get mad. I don't like when you do that", Brad grumbled shifting on the couch.  
  
  
  
"Fine. Jared and Shannon are there. And why? So Tomo...", Mike sighed still staring at his knees.  
  
  
  
"Oh. Well, it doesn't matter if he is here or not. It's not like I would suddenly fall in love with him or so. Besides, you know that. So where does that uncertainty come from?" the guitarist rolled his eyes. He understood Mike. But it didn't mean it wasn't annoying.  
  
  
  
The emcee bit down to his lip when he noticed Jared looking at him and then starting to approach. And not a surprise at all, Tomo was there, behind the brothers. Mike mumbled to himself mostly just trying to remain calm.  
  
  
  
"Behave", Brad breathed knowing that if Mike wanted to cause a scene he would.  
  
  
  
Mike threw a glance at him wondering what was going in Brad's head then. But Brad looked remotely normal, just suspicious about his behavior.  
  
  
  
"Brilliant first one", Jared greeted them smiling at Brad.  
  
  
  
"Thanks. It was fun to get back on stage", the guitarist answered causing Mike to frown. He knew Brad's sarcasm and that wasn't it. Really just a blatant lie. Which made him wonder why lie in the first place. He could have just thanked. But Jared, nor Shannon, noticed. Not Brad's tone, nor his facial expression that revealed that it wasn't his usual sarcasm.  
  
  
  
But Tomo did. And Mike now noticed that. He was looking straight at Brad, his eyes revealing nothing. Only a tiny squint and that was it. Mike had to admit that the guy was handsome. His silky dark hair was combed back, but it wasn't forced with hair gel. It was almost like it was supposed to be like that. And the dark eyes were staring at Brad. Still at his Brad, like he knew something no one else did. As Shannon pointed something at Jared elsewhere in the room taking his attention, Tomo took one small step forward. Mike was ready to lunge at him, but instead he clenched his fist to a tight ball behind his back and counted to ten.  
  
  
  
"Can I talk with you for a sec?" the guy said to Brad tilting his head slightly to side.  
  
  
  
Brad nodded and followed him through the glass door and to the hall of the office. But before that he glanced at Mike trying to sign him that he was okay and would be right back.  
  
  
  
Mike tried. He really tried to concentrate to Jared and his nonsense babbling, while Shannon stared at his brother nodding and basically silently agreeing to everything he said. But all of his attention was drawn to Tomo and Brad talking in the hallway. He could see them through the glass doors and even though it was clear there was nothing sexual going on, it was killing him. Brad was smiling. He was looking a person he had had sex with before and he was smiling while they talked. And Mike didn't know where they talking about the show or their past. And it was chewing him. It was chewing him inside like nothing before.  
  
  
  
"Mike", suddenly Chester was there removing his arm from Jared's shoulders after a hug.  
  
  
  
Chester stared him, asking what was wrong with his eyes. Mike shook his head, gloomily. His friend could see that he was sad but they couldn't talk about it while Jared was standing there with his brother. And it would have been totally rude too just to ignore them and take the conversation elsewhere. Mike was glad Chester was so quickly there to save him, taking the responsibility of the guests. Which Thirty Seconds To Mars guys really were, no matter what Mike thought about Tomo.  
  
  
  
While Chester talked with the brothers Mike turned his stare back to Tomo and Brad. The other was talking, his body slightly tilted forward, towards Brad, fingers fiddling with his necklace. Brad was listening, his head making small nods from time to time. And the smile was still there. Painted on the beautiful lips as Brad threw his head back laughing. Mike knew it was his bitter heart talking then, but like that, they looked like a couple. It was hurting so much. And the worst part was that he knew deep down that he was ridiculous, and that there wasn't anything to worry about. But when Tomo moved, just the one step closer to Brad, returning the smile, he couldn't take it anymore.  
  
  
  
"Chester. I need to go. Just... I'll be home", he said for the singer feeling like a coward now.  
  
  
  
He left the room before anyone could object or stop him. Walking straight past people and towards the back door he was finally stopped by Lorenzo who had ran behind him.  
  
  
  
"Mike! You okay?" the other asked, the words filled with worry.  
  
  
  
"No. Definitely not. But I can't talk about it now or I'll just... Please make sure Brad gets back home safely, okay?" Mike turned on his heels just to say the words and pushed then the door open.  
  
  
  
The cool night air hit his face but it just made it worse. The tears were coming and he didn't want to give in just yet. He searched his car and getting in started to drive. Just focusing on the actual task of getting home. Anything, literally anything from the radio could help now him. Being just lucky that it was so late and there wasn't literally no traffic at all he was quickly at home. Groaning at the stupid music on radio he parked the car and jumped out to get inside. Brad had his own set of keys by now so only thing he worried was that would he come home.  
  
  
  
And that was the thing that threw him over the edge. Slamming the door shut and kicking his shoes of he burst into tears wondering what the fuck was wrong with him. He knew he could trust Brad. He knew it was just a past fuck. He was also almost sure that Tomo wasn't even trying anything. But still the voice, nagging in the back of his head, told him that he was wrong and he should be ready to get his heart ripped to pieces.  
  
  
  
 _Why am I so fucking stupid_ , was what he thought. After shutting every single light there was on and undressing himself he crawled under the blanket and grabbed Brad's pillow to hug it. Pressing his face against it he inhaled the scent of the guitarist. Somehow sweet and savory same time. Like cinnamon rolls sprinkled with salted pistachios. Laced with his shower gel. Breathing heavily he swallowed sharply and tried to chase the thoughts away. But there just was no way he could be able to calm down now. Like a landslide it was burying all under, and in a while his thoughts were just one big blurred mess. He fell asleep crying, and hated every single second of it.  
  
  
  
Later that night he woke up to the bony fingers digging into his sides as Brad tried to get him to his arms. Snuggling close to him the guitarist let out several heavy sighs.  
  
  
  
Mike inhaled the familiar scent and let out the desperate sob that he certainly wasn't planning and two words, "I'm sorry."  
  
  
  
\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would love to hear what you think about the story? Kudos are also greatly appreciated.


	23. Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

\-------

 

When Mike woke up the next day he felt like an idiot. Cause he was an idiot. He had freaked out over nothing. It could have been something, but he was absolutely sure that it hadn't been. And Brad, poor Brad, had to deal with his hissy fit when the day should have been all about Brad. Well technically it was his day anyway, cause Mike had been jealous over him and not over anyone else.

 

Sighing heavily he lifted his arm and raked his fingers through the short curls that were finally cut to his liking. The grey hairs that had grown just so suddenly suited Brad better than well, making him even more handsome than he had been before. Mike felt his heart jolt.

 

"I'm a fucking idiot", he mumbled when he noticed Brad shift and open his eyes slowly.

 

"Yeah. Well... you are", Brad muttered.

 

"I'm sorry Brad. Honestly, I am. I don't know how I just... I can't explain it. Or justify. I can't", the other felt horrible. Brad was there, still, but he really had all reasons to leave.

 

"Listen to me for a while. I understand. I told you that before. I get that you're jealous. But you can't keep doing that. It breaks my heart. You should trust me Mike. By now you should know that I wouldn't just... What the hell were you even thinking?! That I would just leave with him? Huh? That I would just throw all we have away?" Brad started calmly but then started to get mad.

 

The emcee listened, ashamed. Sad and afraid. "I really don't know. He there... He was so close to you. And then I just imagined you two like... It just hit me. I couldn't stop it. It hit me way harder than I had ever thought it could. So I ran. Cause I was too scared... ashamed to deal with it properly."

 

"See. That's the problem. You were overthinking. And overreacting. I can't live like that. Scared that you get afraid. That you start to second guess everything that I do. I can't Mike. I can't do that", Brad mumbled causing the other gasp in fear.

 

"You... You're ending this?"

 

"No. But you are, if you don't stop it. Me and him are history, but I can't erase it. So, if he wants to talk with me he can. You can't prevent it from happening. You can't control everything around you, even though I know you want to", Brad stroked his cheek softly.

 

"Fuck...", Mike bit down to his lip. It hurt so much to let Brad down, but even then the voice in the back of his mind wasn't giving up. But he was going to fight back. He wouldn't want to lose Brad over this.

 

"So... Lorenzo helped you home?" he cleared his throat. He noticed Brad's jean jacket was on the floor. Mike's favorite jacket. Next to it were the shoes, and a long sleeved black shirt, like he had been in hurry to get into the bed. He was still wearing his jeans and a blue t-shirt.

 

Brad read his mind and sighed smiling. "I left when I could. Lorenzo came to me instantly, but Chester explained it further."

 

The emcee snaked his arm around Brad's skinny waist, just wanting to feel him against himself. Closing his eyes he nuzzled the neck causing Brad to sigh again.

 

"I still don't... Mike we were talking. Just talking. You could see even see us through the glass. Why is it so hard for you to let go and trust?"

 

He hated that Mike did this. And that he did it to himself mostly. Cause it would eventually ruin him.

 

"I don't know. I really don't. But I will fight it", Mike said looking at the other, trying to convince them both at the same time. He wanted to, he really did. But the fear wasn't letting go.

 

"Okay", Brad run his fingers through Mike's dark strands. Slowly, folding them aside and enjoying the sight when Mike closed his eyes and leaned in to the touch.

 

"So. Can I ask what you talked about? Cause... he appeared so suddenly", Mike mumbled after a while.

 

"Sure you can. But you won't like the answer so I would rather not to tell. Which leads then to you getting pissed so guess I just have to", the guitarist raised his eyebrow still playing with the hair. "As you saw, they were guests. Just stopping by before heading to the tour. He had heard about the attack and got worried when I didn't answer to the phone. So when he got told that we would do this show he wanted to see me. And yes, we talked about our past. He was... Maybe in same kind of situation than I was before. Sad and... I don't know. Somehow lost. So he had a suggestion."

 

Mike gasped but since Brad was here, with him, and not somewhere getting fucked by Tomo, he managed to keep the scream in, that wanted to let out.

 

"Calm down. I told him that I am with someone. He said that it can't be Elisa then, and I of course had to tell the truth. I didn't tell who but... Yeah. I am still here Mike. Not going anywhere. I still care about him as a... past. Cause he wasn't really a friend, but something. And he was there when there was no one else for me. So if he needs me now, then I want to help. Just not going to include sex in it. Which, I think was still kind of a band-aid thing", Brad told and frowned then.

 

"Okay... Yeah. Well, he is part of your past and your past is part of you so I'll just have to suck it up. I think. I still don't... like it but... Fuck. I know this is stupid! And it's not that I don't trust you. I do, at least in some level and try completely but... But the feeling is still there", Mike grumbled.

 

"I know. Just try. I love you so much and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. You should trust that. Especially after all that we have come through. And I just don't mean the attack and aftermath but our past and friendship", the guitarist pulled him closer.

 

Mike sighed heavily and run his hand under Brad's shirt feeling out the smooth skin. "Yeah. I love you. I don't mean to be such pain in the ass."

 

"Then don't. Just let go. This whole thing has been such a weird adventure that I really don't blame you for being careful. But, it's time to stop second-guessing", Brad nodded.

 

"Yeah. I will try. So... Uhm... Maybe you should tell me then about him? I don't mean the sex. But like other stuff. Unless if it was just sex? Maybe it would help me understand what he is like and why you chose him then... uhm, you know. What was there special about him?" the emcee suggested.

 

Brad smiled faintly. All the memories flooding his mind were rather bittersweet. Cause even when it had started from just sex it had become more and back then it was the thing he just needed. But then it also reminded him about the time he wasn't himself.

 

"Well, okay. He is really good at listening. You know how some people are? They just listen and somehow you are able to open up. No words needed from them, just being there is enough. So... Yeah. It certainly wasn't just sex after the first time. We talked a ton and he helped me to get through my issues", Brad explained.

 

The half Asian nodded still running his fingers down Brad's back and making him shiver slightly.

 

"You know you were lost when the attack happened? I could see it even though I was a mess. That's what it was. I didn't know even how to make it to the next show. The emotions were so weird cause I had never felt like that before. And none of you saw it, but I didn't want to make you worried too, so I shut down. I knew it should pass one day but... I don't know. So, he noticed when I was acting weird and dug it out from me", the guitarist continued.

 

Weirdly, Mike was feeling better. Kind of. He shouldn't be jealous. He should be mad at himself that he hadn't seen that Brad was down. And he should be glad that someone had, and also helped him through it.

 

"See. I knew you would get it", Brad breathed when he saw the smile spread on Mike's lips.

 

"Yeah... I was stupid. I get that you needed someone and he was the one to be there", Mike answered. "Still not comfortable of the idea, but happy he helped you."

 

Brad nodded. "And that's why I love you so much. You care. And you love. Which is why you are jealous. Cause you love so much."

 

"I do Brad. I really do. I love you so much that it physically hurts", the emcee gasped and pushed him against the bed to kiss him.

 

"Hey... Calm down", Brad mumbled when Mike paused to take a breath. Squeezing him he could almost feel how horrible Mike felt. To him it hadn't been that bad that Mike had left. It could have been, but he had friends there to take care of him. The trust issue was another thing. He knew that if they couldn't get rid of the jealousy right away it would destroy their relationship.

 

"Fuck... I just hate myself", Mike mumbled caressing his cheek.

 

"Don't. Cause I don't hate you. But you're squashing me so I might soon", Brad arched his brow.

 

Mike chuckled and rolled on his side but only pulled Brad with, not wanting to let go.

 

"So. You won't freak out if he calls and we talk? Cause I don't want to hide anything from you", the guitarist but down to him lip.

 

"No. Well at least I try not to. I don't want to be the guy to tell someone that he can't be there for his friends when they need him, cause of the jealousy. Well, friend or whatever he is to you, but anyway."

 

"Good. Cause he asked could he. But then Lorenzo came and all that."

 

"I'm kinda glad he caught me before I left. I totally panicked and didn't think further. At all. I knew Chester got what I meant when I told that I need to get out... But I still feel so bad. I betrayed you", the half Asian groaned.

 

"Lorenzo was also panicking. He said you looked like you were about to burst into tears and he had no idea what was happening. I knew instantly though. Of course I did. And then Chester talked with me and we decided that Lorenzo will drop me off and they continue with the rest", Brad sighed.

 

"I was. But I managed to keep it in. Until I got here."

 

"Poor you. You need to apologize to him that you made him worry."

 

"Yeah, yeah I will", Mike nodded. "So, how about the event then... Are you comfortable to continue with the gigs? It really did went well but I was afraid that you would panic more."

 

"It did yeah. I have no idea. I hope that I can but bigger venues... That can be worse or the opposite. I have no idea right now", Brad groaned. He hated that he couldn't foresee it.

 

"It will be fine Brad. I'm there for you."

 

"Unless you get all jealous again. Cause then I will get mad and kick your fat ass", Brad raised a suggestive eyebrow.

 

"It's not fat!" Mike laughed slapping the guitarist.

 

"Hmm... Well, it's squeezable. And that's almost equal to fat", Brad chuckled letting the other grab him to a hug.

 

He was sure they would get through this too. Cause they already had conquered so much.

 

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Glad you stopped by :) Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated. Drop a comment and tell me what you think? Is Mike really going to stop with the jealousy?


	24. You tell me it's alright

\------

 

"You will be so bored", Mike glanced at Brad as they walked out from the airport to a car that was waiting for them.

 

"I rather have a panic attack here with you than alone at home", Brad mumbled.

 

"You know Rob could have stayed with you", Chester noted when they sat inside the shiny car.

 

Brad shivered. It was barely 60 Fahrenheit's outside and the driver had the air conditioning on. Mike handed him his black pilot jacket that Brad took gladly and pulled on himself. Changing a glance with the guitarist Mike sighed. He wanted to take Brad to his arms and massage his thin body until he would be warm. But that wasn't possible.mThere was one outsider in the car, and the driver certainly could tell what he had seen to media.

 

But they had to get used to this. There was no other choice. Even now, taking Brad with them was risky, but media knew Mike had been the one to help Brad mostly after the attack and that the guitarist was still vulnerable, so they didn't question. As long as they would keep their hands off of each other.

 

And now they were headed to their first interview. Few shows and then he could be free to enjoy the rest of the evening with Brad. Then get up early, go to do some interviews and then flight to another country. And few days off. Which he would gladly spent with Brad and let Chester do what ever he wanted.

 

"Yeah. But...", Brad answered to Chester but stared at Mike.

 

It had been ten days since he had had the conversation with Mike. He could feel how hard Mike was trying, and how difficult it was for him. It seemed like the problem really was only Tomo and not just random guys. Or girls. But Brad intentionally didn't avoid the talk about his past. He needed Mike to realize he had nothing to be scared of. And Mike wouldn't realize it if they would avoid the conversation.

 

But in the meantime he was having hard time coping with the idea of touring. The panic attacks had subsided, but only cause he had the luxury of staying home. Or at Mike's which was his home now too despite the fact that he had still most of his stuff at his old place. The traveling had been fine too, which he was surprised. Not even the crowded, noisy airplane had caused an attack. Or maybe it was the fact that Mike was squeezing his hand the whole time, making sure he was safe.

 

And now he would actually have to stay alone while Chester and Mike would handle the two man shows and the interviews. He had pleaded to be there and not just sit and wait at the hotel. Mike was worried but somehow Chester was even more worried. He constantly shot glances at the guitarist pondering was he actually able to perform the gigs. They couldn't back down now. If they did they would disappoint the fans, even though the fans would eventually understand. But it wouldn't be right thing to do. But he also could clearly see how well Mike took care of Brad. They were practically inseparable. Even now when they were sitting in the back Brad had bend his leg to touch Mike's. Cause that was the only thing they could do, just to be as close as possible without drawing any unwanted attention.

 

When they reached the destiny they got inside quickly. What Mike didn't tolerate was being late and if it was avoidable then he would make sure they would make it on time. There was a seat reserved for Brad and the personnel instantly made him comfortable. Mike could see it annoyed Brad, but as the guitarist knew they just wanted to help, he shrugged them off and bit down to his lip. Mike watched as he tried to relax while he and Chester got to the tiny stage that was reserved to their performance.

 

And that was how the rest of the shows went. In every single place Brad was being taken care of and when they finally got to the car that headed to their hotel he was absolutely exhausted. Being around people that knew only half of what it was, half of what it had been, was weighing him down. He knew he would get used to it. The pretending, ignoring Mike's sad eyes so he wouldn't crumble down, and the fuss around- it was just too much at once. And even then the idea of being alone at home sounded way worse.

 

As they reached the hotel and picked up their light belongings Chester headed straight to eat after hugging him tightly. Mike lead him to the elevator and forward to the room. Mike wasn't hungry. Or couldn't even think about eating when Brad was looking like that. He stared at him the whole time pondering should he pry what was Brad thinking or not. When Mike slipped the keycard in the slot and opened the door Brad felt he could finally breathe. He walked straight in front of the bed, let himself fall on it and then sighed heavily closing his eyes. Mike stared at him still, chewing his bottom lip.

 

"So... You survived the day", he said then.

 

Brad snorted and let a small smile curl his lips up. "I did. And still I feel like shit."

 

"Brad I can feel that too. You know I don't even have to look at you to know if you are down", Mike said and instantly his mind went back to the talk earlier and how he couldn't have done it then. But he did now and that was what mattered.

 

"Yeah. All the people... I know they try to help but it feels like... Pity. You know? I am honestly really glad for all of that but I wish people would leave me alone. Other than you and the band. You guys I can deal with and you know if I want some space", the guitarist told still keeping his eyes shut.

 

Mike sat on the foot of the bed massaging Brad's thin leg. "I know. Which you don't really want from me."

 

"Yeah", Brad opened his eyes and propped himself on his elbows looking at Mike.

 

But then his eyes widened when he saw the painting on the opposite wall. A red, abstract painting that he had stared years ago cause he didn't know where else to stare. And now he felt like this was a bad sign.

 

"What? It's ugly yeah but..." Mike frowned following Brad's eyes.

 

"I can't believe we are... Not in same hotel, but also in same room. Wait. It's too great coincidence... They probably have that painting in all rooms", Brad huffed not knowing should he be mad, sad or just confused.

 

"Hey, slow down. I am not following what you mean", Mike sighed squeezing his leg.

 

Brad just stared at the painting. He really didn't need the memories now. Not when he had barely managed to get through the day.

 

"Oh. You don't mean that... Fuck. Brad seriously", Mike gasped when he realized.

 

"Well how should I have known we would get the same room?! Even if I would have payed any attention to the hotel I wouldn't think they... It's not fucking possible!" Brad gasped still staring at the painting.

 

"I'm not blaming you. I just... No actually not even that. I am not allowing myself to get on that path. Instead... Tell me", Mike said.

 

He was second guessing his idea instantly but anyway kicked his shoes off and climbed on the bed next to the guitarist and laid there leaning to his elbows. Brad had turned his gaze to him now, gaping.

 

"Mike what the hell? You seriously don't mean that", Brad's instinct was to back away but he just froze and stared the other.

 

"I do. How am I supposed to get over my jealousy if... This can happen again, you know? We can just ignore it and go to bed, but I just will dwell on the feeling. Just save me from the worst details okay? But otherwise... I want to learn to know that side of you too", Mike cleared his throat. He honestly meant that but he didn't know was he convincing enough. "Then I will know you. Like, really know you."

 

"You know me already Mike", Brad sighed even though he agreed with the other.

 

The emcee pulled him to his arms and kissed him. "I do. Just not that tiny part of you."

 

"Tiny."

 

"A part. It's still you. Like I told you earlier. I don't want that you would even erase it. Even if it would be possible. I would want to erase the bad feeling you had then. But not the way you got out from it. I know I have been struggling with it. But that's... I'm not stupid. It's my stupid heart getting in the way", Mike continued.

 

"You're not. And it's not stupid heart either. That's what made you fell in love with me. If we believe that an organ is capable in doing that", the guitarist sighed smiling.

 

"Yeah. I do love you", Mike nodded slightly running his hands over Brad's spine.

 

"Okay. So, it was the third time then.. At Carnivores tour. It was really late and Dave was already sleeping, as we shared the room then, but I couldn't and I thought I could go down and have a drink. But then I stumbled upon him. He had had the same idea. So instead of us heading down he invited me to his room and together we opened the bottle of rum he had with him", Brad told and stopped there. He wanted to be sure Mike was actually ready to hear it.

 

"Yeah... Okay, go on", Mike confirmed he was listening and fine for more.

 

"I told him how I felt. That we had fun, but I wasn't having as much as I was supposed to. How playing the shows didn't... it was just slowly numbing me. The pace was really fast and you all were just perfectly happy. Then it jus crashed on me and I started to panic. Not... like full blown panic attack, but... you know. I was slowly losing it. We were then half way through the bottle, and I wondered was it the alcohol, or just the thoughts accumulating. Then he started to kiss me. And since we had already done it... I didn't really hesitate", Brad swallowed wondering was this the point where Mike would bail. But the emcee didn't. Instead pulled him tighter against himself and kept him there like protecting from something.

 

"I felt safe. Like now. Sure I was drunk but not like the first time... And it felt good. After that night I was able to actually forget the thing, or at least push it aside before I was ready to figure out what to do with it", he continued inhaling sharply.

 

"Poor thing", Mike sighed and bit down to his lip. "Night you say?"

 

"I like when you notice all the irrelevant little things", Brad rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Night yes. We had sex and I slept there. Here. When I came back to the room I had planned what I would say to Dave but he wasn't there anymore, and as we met on breakfast he didn't question me. Didn't even ask where had I been, or looked me in the way that he knew something. So I thought maybe he just hadn't seen that I wasn't in the room anymore. And I just ignored it."

 

"I'm listening Brad. Just... don't read between the lines. I am still okay", the half Asian rubbed his back.

 

"Mhm... Well yeah. So. It's kinda like what you did, but totally different still. Like I said the sex was just... something. The first time I was just so fucking horny and drunk... So when he kissed me told me what he wanted to do to me I just chuckled and let it happen. But next time it just lead to it again cause it was natural. The intimacy and the talking were more important. You talked to me, when with him I did the talking", Brad continued scanning Mike's face who still seemed perfectly calm.

 

"You telling that you were horny makes me horny. So, carry on before I can't stop my train of thought", the emcee suddenly said blinking.

 

Brad let out a light laughter. "I am really done with talking. That was how it went. And the next day we were elsewhere. And the next time we met he smiled and asked was I alright. He could see I was little better and since I didn't want to talk about it he let me be. So, there's that."

 

Mike stared at him trying to ignore his arousal. Brad talking like that was stirring him and his pants were getting too tight. A grin spread on Brad's lips when he noticed that Mike was having difficulties. Leaning in he kissed the other eating up the surprised moan that fell from Mike's lips. The emcee grip to him tighter pressing against him his head spinning from the hot kiss.

 

Brad gasped pulling away. "I think I need to handle your hard on. But... It's a shame I didn't think about the lube when we left."

 

Blushing furiously Mike grinned, "Weeeeeeell..."

 

"You did not."

 

"It was really an accident. I was packing my stuff and it tipped and rolled to the bag", Mike shrugged.

 

Brad rolled his eyes and started to unbutton Mike's pants. "Not buying that. Really you were just thinking about sex."

 

The other let out a laughter and decided to help the other with his own pants instead on just waiting for him to do it all. Button by button the pants were quickly open. Then shirt and another shirt. Mike's breathing got heavier. He tried to focus to it but Brad was too beautiful, too breathtaking. Biting his lips he watched as Brad started to open his shoes and kicked them on the floor. Socks were next and just little behind Mike followed the actions. Then back to the pants. Brad pushed his own ones to the knees and laid then on his back to get them off. And then the last piece. Mike froze. He couldn't move now. Not when Brad was removing his boxer shorts. He was just stunned. Happy, excited and aroused and the talk they had just had just felt like it was the initiative to this, and not a bad thing at all.

 

"Mike. We don't have to... You know it was just an idea cause you got turned on", Brad said frowning slightly.

 

"No... I", Mike blushed. "You're so beautiful. Sometimes... well all the time... I just can't fathom why am I so lucky to have you."

 

The other just grinned and pulled him on himself connecting their lips again. Then he pushed Mike's underwear down eagerly and paused just to say, "So are you. You might think you're lucky, but so am I. After all you saved me. In so many ways."

 

"Okay okay Brad, wait a second", Mike chuckle and got rid of the last piece of fabric he had on while he went to search his bag for the lube. Of course he had intentionally taken it with. Just to be safe.

 

Handing it to Brad he focused to the beautiful lips that were slightly parted and just waiting for him. Shivers run through him when Brad whimpered softly to his mouth and just pulled him harder closer to himself while his tongue explored his mouth. The half Asian's mind blanked completely when the hand found his cock stroking it slowly. It was just he and Brad now. And mostly just Brad's body close to him, the cool skin that felt heavenly. And the thin fingers working his hard on until he just had to pull back and stop the other.

 

"Wait Brad. Just... ", Mike had to take a deep breath. His mind was weird. It had blanked completely. But now it was invaded with all these new thoughts. And emotions. "I... Overwhelming. It feels so good. Too good."

 

Brad nodded and watched his facial expressions change from the overflowing pleasure to confusion and then to love, "So, you know what I feel then", and with that whisper he opened the bottle of lube.

 

The half Asian swallowed hard as Brad lubed himself. It was enthralling to see the hard flesh slick. As he knew what would happen next. The other raised his eyebrow and tilted his head, once again looking at how Mike's emotions made his expression change. He thought it was rather adorable. And certainly warmed his heart in many ways. Taking a sharp breath he leaned over the other and Mike yielded with a small whimper. Mike's pulse was racing as Brad continued and parted his thighs to align himself perfectly. Mike just watched him to do it all, molding and trying to get the oxygen in his lungs.

 

When the guitarist pushed in and dipped over him connecting their lips again Mike couldn't but to moan. Brad paused when the other trembled under him, clasping onto his shoulders. Watching Mike's jawline tighten he waited. The emcee let out a content sigh as he smiled and ran his hand up to his cheek and then to the hair and down back again.

 

"You need to breathe", he whispered wondering how it was possible that everything else than he and Mike had disappeared. He couldn't feel anything else than the drowning pleasure and the love that was squeezing his heart. And Mike was fascinating him. Every tiny whimper. Every small change in his expression. They all spoke thousand words to him. He was transfixed. The tongue that stick from between the lips and licked them glossy and the blinks that made Mike's long eyelashes flutter.

 

"I know. I just happen to forget how I am supposed to do that when you're so near", Mike mumbled not knowing why his voice suddenly sounded so weird.

 

Brad pushed now fully in enjoying Mike's scrunching face that showed the pleasure. Rather reveled that he was managed to awoke such feeling. Mike arched his back, as much as he was able when the other was over him. On him. So close, but still he wanted him to be even closer. The skin was already burning under the touch, and he was sure he was about to burst into flames. Brad's lips landed again on his, kissing him slow and soft. The emcee purred cupping Brad's cheeks and wrapped his legs around his waist. Brad took the cue and started to move, only to elicit more wonderful noises from Mike's throat.

 

"God...", the emcee managed to mumble when the other nipped the sensitive skin on his neck.

 

"You still need to breathe", Brad snickered when the other bit down to his lip again holding his breath.

 

Running his hand under Mike's thigh and to his butt cheek Brad squeezed it softly. The emcee gasped as Brad slid deeper hitting his prostate. Shooting his eyes wide open he gasped, weirded out by the feeling. Weirded out, but then it happened again and he was more prepared to overdriving pleasure. The blood rushing in his veins made his ears ring, and the air that he was still trying to get to his lungs felt heavy, thicker.

 

"Fuck... You're so beautiful", the other murmured.

 

While trying to keep up with the pace Brad grabbed Mike's hand and brought it to his own member. Mike swallowed, the feeling suddenly so overwhelming, but he coiled his fingers around it anyway. Just like he had done so many times before, but now in totally different situation. His mouth fell open, the frenzy immersing him completely. Being like this with Brad was way more than he had ever thought it would be, even when he could so clearly remember his dreams that were pretty close to the perfection.

 

Brad moaned and dropped his head connecting their foreheads and closed his eyes. Mike let out a raspy breath as the other came abruptly, trembling. He couldn't keep up anymore with his hand cause Brad climaxing inside him was now more important, consuming him. Not just the feeling, that was pushing him over the edge slowly too, but the sight. Brad looked like he had disappeared somewhere. Just the shallow breaths fanning his face.

 

"Hey", Mike murmured after a while, now amused how the other was floating in the ecstasy.

 

"You know... We really should keep the lube with us", Brad finally said and with a grin pulled out and rolled next to him.

 

Mike was about to answer but Brad had already gripped his cock that was demanding for attention now, and only thing that came from his mouth was a moan. Brad nuzzled his neck and turned then to kiss it. The warm lips traveled down his skin, to the collarbone, and Mike didn't know where to focus. To the lips, or to the fingers around his member. He was so close to the satisfaction, the urge getting unbearable. But then Brad grabbed his chin and kissed him again. His senses were so overloaded that he didn't even realize when the cum spurted on his chest. The feeling came just tiny bit after, washing over him.

 

The other smiled, still lips fused on his, while Mike tried to focus again to the oxygen. He was totally spent, but also baffled how amazing he felt. Brad on his arms and the smile that he was once afraid he could never seen again were just adding to the immense pleasure. Inhaling heavily he pulled away locking eyes with the other.

 

"I need a shower. But I can't move. Nor do I want to", Mike mumbled finally breaking the silence.

 

"Mhm... My brains don't work. But I don't mind. I don't want to let you go. Not even for the time you would be in shower", the other answered his lips curling to a smile.

 

"Yeah."

 

They fell back to the silence, just staring at each other. Mike felt like he could just yell how happy he was. But he didn't want to interrupt their moment either. It was still so weird to him. That Brad was actually with him. And like that, there. Eyes sparkling from joy.

 

"I want to this to continue. I love this. I love us. I love you", he whispered then.

 

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated :)


	25. And I drive myself crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit content warning here. Nothing too bad though.

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One more rehearsal. One more and then they would be actually touring. The promos were over, the time alone with Mike was over. Brad stared at his guitar. His favorite one that he knew he would be using a lot the next year. Weeks, months- it was all just time. He had never been this scared in his life, except on the day when the attack happened. And again he was in the situation that he couldn't affect to. No matter how hard he tried it all felt impossible.  
  
  
Biting down his lip he glanced at the half Asian who was chatting with Dave. They all looked so calm, so ready. He thought he had been, but now he wasn't sure at all. Cringing he picked up the guitar and flipped the strap over his neck. At least something to focus to on stage.  
  
  
Mike had promised to be there. He had promised he would support him and make sure he was comfortable. Which was exactly what he had done. But the emcee had so much on his plate that he didn't notice the slow change in Brad. First it was just that, staring at the guitar and biting lip. At that point he still thought everything was fine and that the weird feeling would pass.  
  
  
They started to play and Mike gave him some attention which was tiny push to the other direction. Just the smile and stroke, and then an approving glance. But it wasn't enough. Concentrating to playing and Chester, who was pumped and had fun, he tried to ignore the feeling. Lorenzo with the camera wasn't helping, and not did the technicians. He felt like everyone was watching him, even though when he looked they weren't.  
  
  
Soon he couldn't focus anymore. The only thing he was supposed to do he couldn't. His hands moved cause it all came from his backbone but the loud buzzing in his ears started to bury everything under. Gasping he scanned the room only finding out that everyone was minding their own business. He wanted to run to Mike. To tell him that something was happening and he wasn't okay. But Mike couldn't help him anyway when it was inside his head.  
  
  
Turning on his back on Lorenzo and the camera he tried to focus to the breathing. The air was so thick and his chest was already feeling heavy, like someone was sitting on it. Sucking the air in didn't seem to do anything and soon the task was just harder. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, but there was no getting back now. Staggering he tried to search any eye contact he could. No one saw him, they were still focusing to playing the song. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Only thing now was his buzzing ears and his heart that was beating out from his chest. The fingers stopped on the guitar neck. He gasped for air but managed to let out only a pathetic whimper. Tearing the cord out and the guitar strap off of his shoulder he managed to toss it to a technician before he ran.  
  
  
He needed to get out. From the noise, from the people. From the buzzing that didn't stop even when he threw the earphones making them clatter behind him on the floor. The corridor outside the rehearsing space seemed to get longer and longer even though he ran as fast as he could. His footsteps echoing on the walls, barely audible under the buzz that just seemed to get louder on his ears.  
  
  
Finally he got to the outdoor. But it didn't open. He banged it hard and then tried the lock again. Nothing happened. Screaming he lunged at the door kicking it, but only thing he managed to do was to hurt his fragile frame. He didn't feel the pain. The fists banged at the door still, as he slumped on the floor. Crying and screaming helplessly he kicked only finding out that there was nothing he could do. The door stayed firmly shut and he was trapped.  
  
  
The whole time the buzzing had just got louder. He covered his ears and retracted to a tiny ball on the corner. Curling into himself he screamed as loud as he could but the buzzing didn't stop. He couldn't feel his limbs anymore, and he was sure he was dying now. The noise was so bright and deafening and his heart seemed to beat just faster to it.  
  
  
He didn't know how much time had passed when he felt two hands grabbing him. They were hard on his thin arms, but he was still trapped in his mind. Trembling he fought, not knowing what was happening. The buzzing was piercing and he couldn't breathe. He still couldn't breathe and it was unbearable. Croaking he choked desperately needing the air.  
  
  
"Brad!"  
  
  
But somewhere there he managed to find the familiar voice that yelled his name. Searching for its source he found set of brown eyes that's stared at him. Full of shock and worry. But even still he fought, hitting the chest with his fists. He was trapped in more ways than just one and this wasn't helping. He kicked and screamed, while the other tried desperately keep him still.  
  
  
"Brad stop! It's just me."  
  
  
The words didn't matter. He heard them but they didn't make any sense. He needed to get away from it all and the buzzing wasn't alleviating. Still inside his head, piercing through his skull. Struggling he swung his legs, and threw his hands but it wasn't enough. He was pinned against the wall and the person didn't care that he was hit and kicked. The hands grabbed his wrists, trying to prevent him just from hurting himself.  
  
  
"What the hell happened?"  
  
  
That was another voice, a little bit further away. Just as worried and confused as the first. He didn't care anymore. He was too tired to fight back now. The buzzing was drowning him. A heavy cacophonous wave washing over him causing him to only care less and less. The numb feeling had already spread throughout him and slowly he was losing himself.  
  
  
"Brad stop please!" Mike yelled trying to get him to come back from wherever he had fallen. "Fuck!"  
  
  
Brad was just staring in front of him, his eyes searching for something they didn't seem to find. Tears streaming down his face and his whole body tensed like a bow, shaking violently. He was still pulling his arms, trying to get free but not beating the other anymore. Mike didn't care. Brad had managed to swung his fist to his face and he could feel blood trickling down his beard. And the foot had landed on his ribs and it hurt like hell. But seeing Brad like this was hurting him way more than any physical pain ever.  
  
  
"Mike you need to calm down too", Chester touched his shoulder when he shouted once again.  
  
  
"I can't! He..."  
  
  
Suddenly Brad's eyes focused, finding the source behind the voice again. Mike just wasn't prepared to the emotions the eyes were emitting. He was beyond distressed, even when the sharpest edge of the panic had subsided. Fear and confusion were there on top, being shadowed by humiliation and pain.  
  
  
"Hey. You're okay Brad. You're just okay", Mike repeated but his voice was brittle and unsure.  
  
  
The guitarist gasped still shaking violently. He could finally hear something else than just the buzzing that was still annoying but slowly getting quieter. Flexing his fingers he wondered why he had been so numb just minute ago. Or more. He still didn't know how much time had passed. It was all just one confusing pile of emotions. Now his fingers were tingling, feeling funny.  
  
  
"You scared the crap out of me. I honestly thought I would have to call 911 next", the emcee mumbled wiping his tearstained face to his t-shirt sleeve.  
  
  
"I....", Brad began but was startled when he heard his own raspy voice. Swallowing thickly he whimpered. His pulse was closer to normal, but to him it still felt like his heart was trying to dig out through his chest. "I couldn't breathe. I... Only the noise and..."  
  
  
"Baby, it's okay. God...", Mike mumbled pulling him to his arms.  
  
  
Chester stared at them completely confused how no one saw it coming. It was just a second. He saw Brad's eyes get glassy and next he tossed the guitar away and ran. They all stopped but it took a second before it really hit their brains that something was wrong. Mike left first, and only when they heard the screams Chester had followed.  
  
  
Brad cling to the half Asian his breathing still shallow and ragged, but his mind already calmer. He was utterly confused and overwhelmed, and Mike looking that scared was hurting him. Mike rubbed Brad's back ignoring the blood still dripping on his face. He could feel it was probably his lip but based on how weird his face felt he was sure it wasn't the only spot bleeding.  
  
  
"So what happened? You were just normal earlier today", Chester frowned.  
  
  
But Brad couldn't answer. He didn't know what had happened. If he did, he maybe would have been able to prevent it. And now he honestly didn't even care. He was just glad that the buzzing had finally stopped completely and his heart was settled. His mind was still a whirlwind, but Mike's warm body against him was enough for now.  
  
  
"Any better?" Mike murmured close to his hear.  
  
  
"Yeah", the other answered now, not really sure was he even.  
  
  
They stayed like that for a while until Mike pulled away. Carefully anticipating for objection he got to his feet. But Brad didn't stop him but let him pull him to his feet too. Mike sighed, reluctant now to let go. But just as they took a step back towards the rehearsing space Brad grimaced and slumped back down.  
  
  
"Fuck", he gasped the pain shining in his eyes.  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
"I think I broke my foot", the other mumbled drooping his head. _So on top of panicking and being totally_ stupid _I break my foot,_ he thought his mind getting gloomy.  
  
  
Chester looked at Mike his eyes telling just enough how worried he was. He didn't care what this could mean to their touring.  
  
  
"Oh Brad...", Mike sighed heavily. Without asking he picked up the man to his arms lifting him up. He groaned as his muscles stretched, knowing he would have a decent sized muscle on his ribs. "Can you pick up my car keys and the phones?"  
  
  
The singer nodded and glanced at Brad who looked mortified now and quickly left then to do his task. He returned as quickly as he had left with their phones and the car keys.  
  
  
"You okay?" Chester asked from Mike, reluctant to let them leave just like that.  
  
  
"When he is", Mike mumbled and let the singer open the door for them while he pushed the phones to his pockets and gave the keys to his hand.  
  
  
Brad wasn't paying attention to anything anymore. The pain had slowly started to climb up his leg and that was the only thing that kept him from going insane. Of course he was blaming himself for being so stupid and getting them to worry. Again.  
  
  
Mike helped him inside the car and started it as soon as he had sat down and buckled up the seatbelt. Glancing at the rearview window he gasped when he saw his face. His lip seemed split and there was a bruise forming on his cheekbone. Added to that the scratches and his ribs that were really sore. But Brad being hurt and shutting off was his first priority. He could deal with his face later.  
  
  
He drove to the hospital the whole time thinking was there really anything he could do. Brad hadn't even looked at him properly and he could tell the other was sorry and ashamed. And the foot was also painful as he gasped from time to time.  
  
  
At the hospital, Mike was commanded to stay in the waiting room as Brad was pushed to be taken care of in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, Mike ignored his beeping phone only realizing next that it wasn't his but Brad's. He chewed his nails sarcastically making a mental note that he should cut Brad's nails when the double doors finally opened and Brad walked back. His leg was wrapped in a black boot and he looked even worse than before.  
  
  
"Hey. It's still okay. We'll get through it", Mike said when Brad stood in front of him his hands in his pockets and head hanging low. He still hadn't gotten a proper eye contact and it just told that Brad was really ashamed.  
  
  
Once again they drove in silence. Mike didn't want to bother Brad. He guessed what all went through his head and it wasn't anything easy. But they had been there before and he wasn't giving up. Brad had been so much better and Mike saw this as just one minor setback. If only Brad would start talking again. The silence was getting too much now, and it reminded him about things he really didn't want to think about now.  
  
  
Inside he watched as Brad walked straight to the bedroom and climbed in the bed. Too familiar and his heart was hurting to see it happen again. Sighing he followed, kicking his shoes on the floor and placing the phones to the bedside table from his pockets.  
  
  
"Brad", he muttered pulling him to his arms. "What did they say?"  
  
  
"Broken toes. I'm fucking stupid."  
  
  
"Don't say that baby. It was a panic attack. Just... that", Mike caressed his cheek.  
  
  
"Right. But it was still stupid. I didn't even realize... I didn't even feel the pain when the buzzing was..." Brad gasped as the memory washed over him.  
  
  
Mike shook his head. "Don't think about it now, okay? We'll figure it out what could help you."  
  
  
The other inhaled heavily and turned his gaze to Mike. He froze completely when he saw the face first time clearly. Realizing that it was no one else than him that had caused it hurt like hell. He grimaced and let his fingertip run over the swollen lip and down to the dried blood.  
  
  
"I'm sorry", he said. It was barely a whisper, mostly just moving lips.  
  
  
"It was an accident. It hurt, but it was still an accident. I don't care about that. The only thing that matters is that we get you back on the right tracks. You know that. I don't care about anything else", Mike whispered ignoring the sting on his lip.  
  
  
Brad knew they had gotten too far for him to just give up. But the fact that Mike was now hurt physically and mentally both was tearing him apart. And it was all of his fault.  
  
  
"Stop thinking", Mike demanded smiling.  
  
  
"Okay", the other mumbled and leaned his head on Mike's chest.  
  
  
"It will be. I'll send a message for Ches, they are probably thinking what the doctors said. And then we sleep. And talk tomorrow if you want. My face heals, and so does your leg. It's just one bump on the road. I love you too much to see you like this", Mike said and rubbed Brad's back, when he felt a tiny nod against his chest. Sighing he listened for a while for Brad's breathing get steadier as he fell asleep and leaned then to grab the phone.  
  
  
Tapping the screen he was ready to write his password, but noticed then it was Brad's phone. But before he turned to switch the phone a name on the screen caught his attention.  
  
  
Three missed calls from Tomo.  
  
  
 _Is this a bump_ on _the road too huh?_ he thought screaming inwardly.  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated.


	26. Taken far from my safety

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Mike woke up the next day groggy. Like he had drank too much last night. Brad had rolled over to the edge of the bed and curled up. In his sleep his shirt has risen, revealing most the back. Mike stared for a while the scars crisscrossing on the cream white skin and sighed heavily. Brad was so skinny, so fragile like that and the scars just added more to it. Biting his lip he trailed his finger along the first one and then continued to the other. When he was back at the first one Brad shifted and turned then around.  
  
  
"Any better?"  
  
  
"No. You look bad though", Brad mumbled staring at the lip that had still dried blood covering the wound. The scratches didn't look bad, and even the bruise wasn't that swollen anymore, but the lip did look painful. He pulled the shirt back down shivering from the cool air that hit his bare skin.  
  
  
"Don't worry about me. We need to think what we are going to do with you", Mike sighed.  
  
  
"Yeah well. I'll manage."  
  
  
"If that's what you call managing Brad..." Mike rolled his eyes.  
  
  
The phone's alarm startled him and he grabbed the phone before Brad answered to him. And them he remembered the unanswered calls that were haunting on the phone screen. Chewing his lip he picked up Brad's phone too and handed it for the other. Brad frowned, not realizing what was happening, but when he saw the screen he exhaled heavily. Staring at Mike he tried to figure out what he was thinking but Mike's face revealed absolutely no emotion.  
  
  
"So..."  
  
  
"Why are you asking me? It's your thing. Obviously you call him back", Mike said.  
  
  
Brad sighed since he could hear the annoyance in Mike's voice. That little sting that was so easy for him to decode. Instead of questioning it he opened the screen lock and tapped the name to call back. Mike stared at him now the emotion already showing in his eyes even though he tried to keep his face straight. Of course he was pissed. The timing wasn't the best and he still hadn't gotten over the fact that he wasn't Brad's first.  
  
  
"Yeah, you had called?"  
  
  
"Hi. Uhm... Can we meet?"  
  
  
"Meet? Uhm..." Brad swallowed thickly, apprehensive what this would initiate.  
  
  
Mike sighed heavily but shrugged. He couldn't stop it. And even if he could it wouldn't be fair.  
  
  
"Yeah, we can meet."  
  
  
"Okay, good. Should I come to your place or?"  
  
  
"I'm not living there anymore. Maybe that cute cafe in..." Brad started but Mike shook his head vigorously.  
  
  
Brad frowned. The other sighed and formed word here with his lips and Brad's frown just deepened. "He doesn't know it's you", he whispered holding the phone away from his mouth.  
  
  
"Guess he will find out then", Mike answered also keeping his voice barely audible.  
  
  
"Uhm... I'm staying with Mike. Could you come here?" Brad said to the phone keeping his gaze on the emcee who had set of mixed emotions written all over his face.  
  
  
"Sure yeah. Text me the address. I'll be there in an hour then?"  
  
  
"Yeah. Kay."  
  
  
When Brad had ended the call, texted the address and tossed the phone to the other end of the bed he sighed, "And what the actual fuck do you think you are doing?"  
  
  
"Well..."  
  
  
"No Mike. Seriously. It wouldn't matter would we meet here, at the cafe or at his place. It doesn't change the situation in any way. Except that you're just going to witness the talk and then drown to the jealousy", Brad tried to explain. He knew Mike didn't see it that way. Mike thought that torturing himself with watching their conversation would somehow help with his issue. But Brad knew that it wasn't going to stop just like that.  
  
  
"I think we had more important things to settle than my jealousy."  
  
  
Brad jumped up from the bed stumbling on his boot as he had already forgotten it. Falling on the floor he let out a loud grumble. But Mike was already there beside him. Wrapping his arms around the tiny waist he pulled Brad to his feet and helped to sit on the bed.  
  
  
"I just can't... Please just behave, okay?" Brad sighed and dropped his head. He didn't want this to happen but as it was, he just had to go with the flow and try to handle his own nerves.  
  
  
"Like I said, there are more important things. For example the fact that our flight leaves tomorrow night to other country and you had a full blown panic attack at a rehearsal. You're not ready. And I know that if I try to... you won't change your mind. If I cancel the shows you will be so pissed and just yell at me. But you're still not ready", Mike stared at him.  
  
  
"Then don't. I will manage."  
  
  
"That's what you already said. Maybe you do, but that's on your own expense. Do you really want to go back to where you were? I can already see how it goes. You're just being stubborn", the half Asian shook his head and stroked the thin arm.  
  
  
"And so are you. That makes us even. Can we just handle this day first?" Brad groaned.  
  
  
"Fine. I'm going to make breakfast before _he_ gets here", Mike answered and Brad cringed when he heard the emphasis on the sentence.  
  
  
He watched as the other left and rolled his eyes then. Deep down he knew this was just a phase. It all had happened so fast that they both got lost in the way and it would take time for them to get back on the tracks and used to it all. But it was still hurting him. Mike was trying to control the situation when he perfectly knew he couldn't. Chewing his lip he swallowed the grumble and followed then the other.  
  
  
In the living room he waited patiently for the breakfast trying not to stare at the clock. An hour was so short time, just a tiny fraction of a lifetime. Not even visible really. But now it seemed to take forever to the hour to end.  
  
  
"Brad", Mike sighed when Brad had just nibbled his toast.  
  
  
"Don't start that now. I'll eat later. I am too worried about how you will react to have any appetite", the guitarist rolled his eyes.  
  
  
"Well still you..." the other started but closed his mouth when Brad shot a glance at him.  
  
  
Mike's mind was a whirlwind and next thing he knew was Brad opening the door and inviting Tomo inside. His heart was beating out of his chest even when Brad sat next to him and didn't give any signs that there was something going on. He knew there wasn't, he was sure of it. But the feeling was still there. Making him insane.  
  
  
"What the hell happened?" the other pointed at Brad's boot and then glanced at Mike's face scanning over the injuries.  
  
  
"I had a panic attack. My toes weren't as hard as a steel door. And I punched him when he tried to help me", Brad shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.  
  
  
Mike rolled his eyes annoyed by Brad's attitude and Tomo caught that instantly. "So what's up with you guys then?"  
  
  
"I told you I am with someone. That someone is him", Brad nodded smiling. Even saying that out loud felt so good.  
  
  
"Really? That's awesome! So how do you... I thought you were leaving in the south in some days. Or was it next month?" the other said.  
  
  
"No it's... We are leaving tomorrow", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
Tomo stared at him and then Mike and shook his head. "That's not smart. If you just had a panic attack..."  
  
  
"See. Even he knows it's not good", Mike sighed.  
  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tomo frowned looking from Brad to Mike and back.  
  
  
Brad groaned not wanting to get middle of whatever it was they were headed to. "Ignore him. He is just... being Mike. So what's going on? You sounded weird on phone."  
  
  
"Uhm... I have no idea. I think I get now how you felt back then. I feel like... It's not how am I supposed to live. I want something else and I don't know what it is", Tomo revealed. He ignored Mike's hostile stare cause it seemed like the other was genuinely trying to hide it.  
  
  
"Shit... Okay, so how do you... I thought you guys were making a new album right now?" Brad shook his head confused.  
  
  
Tomo let out a laughter. "Yeah. He is. You know how Jared is. I think I am just on the way. They are better without me."  
  
  
"It's that bad? Didn't know."  
  
  
"It's fine really. Already gotten used to that. I just... I don't know should I quit or not. Now, in the middle of making the album, it feels like I am betraying them. But even... it's not that kind of music that I want to play", the other shrugged.  
  
  
Brad sighed. He remembered exactly how he had felt back then, and now Tomo seemed to be in even harder position. He had worked so hard and achieved so much, but in the end would it even matter if it wasn't something you enjoyed?  
  
  
"So, maybe it is time for you to do something else? Have you thought what it would be then if you leave?" he asked then.  
  
  
"Yeah. I have. A lot. Which is why I am so reluctant", the other said as he raked his hair back.  
  
  
Mike was still staying silent. He observed them both, scrutinized the whole situation. It was weird to him. Cause he knew the past, but his mind was trying to convince him that there was something wrong. But there wasn't. It was just a conversation any friends would have.  
  
  
"Okay I have to ask. Why the fuck are you staring at me like that?" Tomo finally said, not able to keep it in anymore.  
  
  
"Uhm..." Mike croaked feeling the blush creep on his cheeks.  
  
  
Tomo frowned and tilted his head. And gasped then. "Oh. I didn't even realize. You know about us. Brad! You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"  
  
  
"Yeah well, it was inevitable. I didn't want to lie either."  
  
  
"Fuck. Okay well, it doesn't matter anyway now. I just thought it was...", Tomo shrugged. He wasn't really comfortable of people finding out he had had a thing with Brad. It would just cause a huge mess. "So that's why you were weird. Look, I don't have any feelings for him or like that. I am happy that you two are together. I think you both deserve the love. Which I assume it is, since you are looking at Brad like that."  
  
  
Mike grinned the blush just getting deeper. "Yeah..."  
  
  
"I just feel like he is really the only one I can talk about this cause he went through something similar before. That's all", Tomo said smiling genuinely.  
  
  
Brad bumped Mike with his elbow, signing that it was all fine. Which Mike knew. It hadn't changed in any way. The other voice was still there, telling him the exact opposite. But he was trying his best to ignore it.  
  
  
"How did you two then... Brad didn't tell it was you when we met last time. I got a feeling that it was secret thing so I didn't pry more", the other asked then.  
  
  
Mike wasn't sure was it something he wanted Tomo to know. It was so personal. But then again he knew details about the other that he probably wouldn't want him to know. Brad watched him, waiting for some kind of a reaction. For him it was fine. Why wouldn't it be? And Mike being so reluctant was just normal.  
  
  
"So... You know about the attack? He just... he didn't speak. Like at all. I had then loved him already for a long time and tried to hide it. Anna found out and filed a divorce instantly. Which I understand. It wasn't... Just pointless really. Why should you stay with a person who loves another? So uhm...", Mike explained and got lost then to that exact moment when Anna told him she would get a divorce.  
  
  
"Okay. And I assume it was you who got him to talk again since... well since he is talking now."  
  
  
Mike nodded. "You could say so. I was such a mess. It wasn't a good thing at all. Cause I was pining and then he was just... passive and not eating and clinging to me. I didn't know what to do. Cause at first I didn't even see that it helped, but then it anyway did. Then we thought it would be better if he would go back home. But Elisa... she got frustrated and slapped him. And he came running back. I will never forget that face. She called me in panic, but I got so mad that I just had to hang up before I would have done something more. Just as I was about to go and search for him, he stood there behind the door. Staring at me like a puppy being beaten up. Scared and broken and... So I just couldn't anymore. Even if it would have been better for him to get back, and for me to try to forget my feelings I couldn't."  
  
  
"Which it wasn't", Brad mumbled. He didn't remember that well how he had felt then. More just plain confusion than any clear feelings. But then Mike surrounded him with the love and he could finally start to relax and collect himself back together. "The thing was that he didn't know that I already had feelings for him. Had had for a long time. But the whole ordeal made me finally accept it. It was a really slow progress, but it happened.  
  
  
"Wow. That's just... And then you were happy and you started to talk again?" Tomo nodded.  
  
  
"Well...", Mike grimaced. "There was the police thing when the attacker was caught and I had a really hard time to believe he actually loved me too. You know that stuff doesn't happen in real life. And then... the past. As in you two."  
  
  
"Oh. Shit. Didn't know I was such an obstacle", Tomo mumbled with an apologizing tone.  
  
  
Mike chewed his lip. Suddenly it felt so unfair. Not just towards Brad but towards Tomo too. After all, Brad had explained the situation, and that they didn't have any romantic feelings.  
  
  
"I... think it's just cause of this whole thing. If this hadn't happened and I had gotten together with him... like if the circumstances had been different, I think I wouldn't be so...", Mile swallowed.  
  
  
"Jealous. Controlling", Brad rolled his eyes.  
  
  
Mike sighed dropping his head. "Yeah. That. And I am sorry. You know that's something I can't control. But I'll get through it."  
  
  
Brad shook his head smiling softly and ran a hand along his back. "Yeah. And I'll be here doing it with you."  
  
  
"Ugh, you two are too cute. Okay so, that was the story then? You were trying to start a life together and the past tackled Mike?"  
  
  
"Basically yes", Mike raised his eyebrow weirded out by the straightforward conclusion.  
  
  
"I see. I think that also means that I need to leave."  
  
  
"Uhm..." Mike was about to object but then he realized that it still was what he wanted and he shouldn't be polite just cause.  
  
  
Tomo shook his head and stood up, "It's fine. Really. I think I got some reassurance already."  
  
  
Brad got up too and hugged him briefly and Mike was now more weirded out that he didn't feel the sting. That annoying pinch that reminded him of their past.  
  
  
"So you're okay?" Brad asked from the other guitarist.  
  
  
"Yeah. I'll need to figure out the answer. It won't be easy but this did help", Tomo nodded and hugged the other. "But uhm, Mike... Could I have a word with you?"  
  
  
The emcee was startled but shrugged then. "Yeah sure."  
  
  
Following Tomo, at the door he glanced over his shoulder at Brad who sat down and looked overwhelmed.  
  
  
"So. He isn't ready. I don't want to... Well you know,  get in the middle of things, but you... He isn't ready. You shouldn't let him get back on the stage. He will just..." Tomo sighed.  
  
  
"I know. But if we cancel he will kill me. I tried to talk about it earlier but he doesn't listen. Says he has it under control and that he will manage. What am I supposed to do?" Mike mumbled and raked his hair.  
  
  
"He is a mess. A broken mess. You will need a lot of patience to fix it. Try once more?"  
  
  
Mike bit his lip. Tomo was right but he just couldn't change Brad's mind. And canceling the show this late and against Brad's will wasn't just the right thing to do. "I'll try. I am just afraid his stubbornness is on the way."  
  
  
The other chuckled. "Yeah I know he can be a pain in the ass."  
  
  
"That's an understatement. But I would never hurt him intentionally. Pain or not. Love him so much."  
  
  
"I can see that. Honestly, I am glad it's you with him and not someone else. You do know that our thing was just... those moments? I love him, but just as a human being. We were never really even friends but it doesn't mean that I don't care about him. Promise to call me if you need something okay? I hate to see him regress like that. I know I wasn't there when it happened and all that but... Yeah", Tomo explained and opened the door. He really didn't want to cause any more issues, and even now when Mike seemed to agree with him he felt like he was interfering.  
  
  
"Yeah, I know. It's just my stupid brains trying to make up stuff", Mike groaned. Maybe Tomo could help if Brad got worse. Maybe sometimes you need different kind of help than you yourself can provide.  
  
  
When Tomo left Mike joined Brad back on the couch. Brad stared at him annoyed cause he knew perfectly well what their talk had consisted. "Don't try to change my mind. We can't cancel now. You know that."  
  
  
"Brad...", Mike sighed and pulled him under his arm and kissed him. "You are one fucking mess. And you will just fall harder next time."  
  
  
"And you will be there to pick me up."  
  
  
"Yeah. And fix. I'm scared that there comes a time when I'm not able to."  
  
  
"Nah. You are always able to do that."  
  
  
"Could you just consider one more time? Please Brad?" Mike let out another heavy exhale.  
  
  
"No. I won't. We'll make it through", Brad smiled.  
  
  
Mike just wasn't that sure. Not sure at all that they would.  
  
  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	27. The hardest part of ending is starting again

 

 

 

 

 

\--------

 

  
And in spite the fact that Mike was sure Brad wasn't ready he found himself on a plane with the others, headed to South America. They all did know the situation with Brad, as did the most important people in crew too, but Chester was the only one who knew how bad it really was. And Brad was doing a brilliant job at hiding it. If Mike wouldn't have known better he would have thought he was okay. His normal self. But Brad wasn't. He was slipping and Mike felt like choking when he watched it. The worst thing was the pretending. Brad wasn't giving up and admitting he wasn't actually managing.

  
"Mike stop staring at me", Brad said bluntly but didn't turn his head to face him.

  
There it was again. Of course, he was staring. Cause he waited for the breakdown. Chester tugged him by his arm guiding away from the guitarist. Mike objected with a grunt but knew that there was nothing he could do. Brad was being stubborn and would deal with the consequences then later. It was breaking Mike's heart and he felt absolutely defeated.

  
They dropped their bags at the hotel and headed straight to the venue. The two days after the show, before another, were just a tiny stop. Maybe relaxing for the others but for Mike and Brad only some time to breathe. And now it was Chester who was staring. As they sat in the car to the venue he couldn't keep his eyes off of Mike who looked scared. He certainly could see why. Brad looked perfectly normal to anyone else than them. But it was too soon for even it to be possible that Brad was actually healed. He had a tiny hope in him that Brad was trying so hard to act normal that he was actually forgetting whatever it was that caused his panic attacks. The problem was that even if it would work today, it was only a temporary solution and would lead to more problems later.

  
Brad was mostly annoyed because of his boot. It looked ridiculous and he felt ashamed. Just thinking about the cause behind it. And he still wanted to cling onto Mike. He hated the feeling when he knew he couldn't do anything to it. But the clock was ticking and there was no stopping it. Soon he would step back on the stage in front of the audience he could already hear now. His heart was racing, but he felt like he was still managing. The familiar panicking feeling hasn't yet arrived and he was just nervous. That normal type he still felt before these kinds of huge shows.

  
Turning his focus to the singer who was bouncing around, he inhaled. Chester smiled at him and nodded. Reassurance that he did need. Biting down to his lip he straightened his black long sleeved shirt and glanced at the clock. Though he didn't need, since Jim was just then there calling the cue.

  
"Don't you fucking forget that I love you", Mike was suddenly there beside him, whispering to his ear. He nodded silently. Not that he would forget it, but there was nothing to be said or done that would affect to what would happen next. Just like the last time, if it would start it would be like a landslide.

  
He felt like he was walking on thin air. Head foggy and everything else disappearing than the roaring crowd as he followed his bandmates behind the stage. Mike was now beside him, his hand in Brad's. Entwining their fingers they kept their hands hidden between their bodies. To shield from possible curious eyes.

  
Mike was so scared. He didn't care would Brad crumble down in the stage. Not even though he knew it would cause a huge mess after. He was scared altogether that Brad would crumble down. And he was scared that he couldn't fix him after. Not even though Brad had tried to convince him that he would.

  
And when the first words of Roads Untraveled hit his eardrums he knew he had to push the thoughts aside or he wouldn't play a good show himself. And Brad was now again on auto-mode. Doing everything like he was used to. And at one point he actually did enjoy the show. The few new songs went well, and there was really nothing that was bugging him. Except for the boot and the tiny, annoying voice in the back of his mind that was trying to tell him something.

  
"I fucking love that guy", Chester said as they were headed to the encores. The crowd cheered and Brad knew that it was Chester's way to tell that they were there for him. That they would get through this. Even if he did it in front of a huge audience.

  
The few words in Spanish in front of them wasn't a big deal. But the way Mike stared at him, hiding it then under the laughter was. Suddenly it was so real. They were actually a couple and the world around them wasn't aware of that. It was the same time terrifying and exciting feeling.

  
Last four songs were over quickly. So quickly that Brad got confused and wondered did they really actually play a full show. After the normal tossing guitar picks and drumsticks, hugs and waves for the buzzing audience they exited the stage.

  
Mike wanted to just run and ask was he okay, but Chester grabbed his arm again before he could. "Give him some space. He seems overwhelmed."

  
So he did. Biting down his lip he watched the other as they headed out of the venue and to the cars. Dave was talking with Brad, just casually, and he seemed to be actually talking too and even slightly smiling.

  
_It has to be the façade again_ , Mike thought. He isn't ready. _Or am I wrong and overly worried?_

  
In the car, they were finally in a place where the signs of affection weren't as bad as in elsewhere public. The driver couldn't see that Mike pulled Brad's hand to his again. Without exchanging words Mike could feel how tense Brad was. He was okay, now. That was a fact. But how long would it last? Could he deal with the whole tour? And being okay was just a lame word for contenting to the situation.

  
Rob stared at them wondering. Of course, Brad and his anxiety were the first in his mind. But it was really weird to him. After the attack, Brad had fallen to a state that was new to all of them. Even if he wasn't there as much as Mike was, he still heard and saw plenty of that. And now there was a change again, just a different one. The trying, the panic attacks and the relationship with Mike.

  
"What?" Chester poked him, keeping his voice low.

  
Rob shrugged and turned his head away. "Just thinking about the situation. He seems to be doing okay. But the way... you really didn't see it like I did then. Mike was a literal mess. I just thought that how they have changed and how they will change. They seem stronger together. Then too, before they were a couple. Mike has taken so much better care of him than we ever could have. And I am sure part of it is that he loves him. He has given pieces of himself to fix Brad."

  
"Yeah, that's Mike. It has been a long way."

  
"Certainly. I am glad we're back on the road. I hope he is going to enjoy it as much as he should", Rob noted.

  
When they arrived at the hotel they all headed to their rooms. Call the wives, order something to eat and sleep, seemed to be the common plan. Mike followed Brad just behind him, still thinking should he give him space or not. They hadn't even exchanged any words after the show and he was getting confused. Brad wasn't particularly ignoring him, he just wasn't starting the conversation. And Mike had no idea why, since he spoke with the rest just fine. Or to be exact, he spoke but only a few words.

  
"I'm going to shower. If you want to order from the room-service already, go ahead. Order the same for me then. I won't be too long", he said when they were in the safety of their own room. Finally alone and away from all the hassle.

  
Brad nodded and opened up his bag. Change of clothes was the first thing. Shower maybe later if he was feeling like it. Mike smiled a little and shed his clothes on the floor and went to take the shower.

  
Almost ten relaxing minutes later he got back a towel wrapped around his waist. Brad was sitting on the bed the foot with the boot pulled up on the bed and the other leg folded under it. The TV was on a news channel and the clothes he had picked were next to him on the bed.

  
"Brad? Did you order already?" he asked and opened his bag to pick up some clothes.

  
But Brad didn't answer and right then Mike knew what had happened. Glancing over his shoulder at the other who just sat there he gasped and took a few leaps to get in front of him.

  
"Brad, please. Don't do this again."

  
The guitarist continued to stare into space like he didn't even hear him. _No no no. No fucking no_ , Mike thought absolutely panicking.

  
"Hey, just talk. Something? I am here", he tried, his voice strained and heavy.

  
Brad didn't say a word. It had happened again. The one thing Mike was most scared of. Brad wasn't talking. He had fallen into the same darkness and it was like someone was turning a knife in a wound. Not a single day had passed of Mike not fearing of this outcome. And now it had happened. He couldn't handle it. Not again. Not now when Brad was supposed to be better, past that state. And he hated himself. He had predicted this but still hadn't been prepared.

  
Stroking Brad's arm he wondered why now and how the hell was he supposed to get over it. Get Brad over it. Brad shivered under the touch and turned slightly his body, like rejecting him. It hurt so much to see the eyes that were glassy, hiding all the pain, frustration and fear behind them.

  
Mike gasped in desperation. He slumped on the floor in front of the other and studied him from the boot to his face and then back. "Brad I don't know what to do. Please give me something to grasp onto. I don't... Fuck..."

  
The guitarist frowned and bit down to his lip but kept the silent façade. Mike dropped his head down to his palms and rubbed his face. There was nothing he could do. Brad had shut down again and he knew it would be bad.

  
"Babe please I beg you. You know you can talk. You know there's nothing you tell me that I couldn't handle", he mumbled.

  
But as Brad wasn't reacting to his words he couldn't take it anymore. Everything they had achieved that far was on stake, or so it felt like to him. He got back to his feet and quickly picked up a t-shirt and sweatpants from his bag. Maybe Chester would know what to do. He didn't even put on shoes or notify Brad. He just grabbed his keycard when he had dressed, and left out of the room. Chester and Rob had a room that was just two rooms away and he was quickly there.

  
"Whoa, what's wrong?" Chester said when he opened the door. The panic was written all over Mike's face.

  
"I don't fucking know! He just... I went to take a shower and he just.... I don't know", Mike gasped the lump on his throat making it hard to breathe.

  
The singer sighed and followed him back to the room. Mike was surprised to see that Brad wasn't on the bed anymore. Instead, he had slumped on the floor in the farthest corner of the room. Scratching his arm that was already striped red and staring at the boot. The pattern was so familiar to Mike that he already recognized it. But it didn't mean that he knew the way to resolve it.

  
"He shut down. Again. I have no fucking clue what to do", he mumbled and crouched in front of the guitarist.

  
Chester studied the situation. Brad was calm but completely fallen in some sort of catatonic state. The nails dug into his the soft skin on his arm and Chester could see the blood that stained his fingernails. But Mike was panicking way more than he should. Brad was safe and this was just a setback. And the panicking wouldn't help. It wouldn't help Brad and it would only make Mike feel worse.

  
"Brad please", Mike pleaded and grabbed the hand that was scratching the arm.

  
The guitarist breathed and pulled the hand and leaned away. Just a tiny bit. Just enough for Mike to see it. And his heart was breaking. If Brad didn't want even him close he wasn't even able to try to help. But it also made him mad.

  
Chester saw the change in Mike and before he could say a thing the singer was pulling him away from Brad. "Hey, give up already. You can talk to him later but give him some space now okay? You are doing the same as after the show. If you keep pushing he will just shut down more. He is just overwhelmed."

  
"I can't fucking deal with this again! Don't you see how much it hurts when he does that! I want to help, but I can't do it if he doesn't talk. And if he doesn't talk it's even harder to predict the panic attack if it happens! We are on tour! It's... I can't!" Mike yelled at him.

  
"Calm the fuck down! That's not helping anyone either! Go and talk with Rob and let me stay with him for a while", Chester groaned. He pushed a keycard to Mike's hand and then forced him to turn on his heels. Mike gasped sadly but obeyed after glancing at Brad.

  
When the door had closed Chester sighed heavily. He went to the bathroom and picked up the first-aid kit, that he had guessed all the rooms had since there had been one in their too. Searching it he found disinfectant wipes and then after tossing the kit back on the cabinet he walked to the room and approached Brad.

  
"Hey. I'm going to sit next to you. The scratches need cleaning", Chester stated. He didn't really care if Brad didn't like what he was doing. There were certain things that needed to be done and cleaning up the raw skin was one of them. "Does your toes hurt?"

  
The first time Brad glanced at him and shrugged. But it was an unsure one.

  
"You want a painkiller?"

  
And now it was a slow nod. Chester nodded back and opened up Mike's bag. He knew the emcee's habits and that the meds for Brad would be there. And surely he found quickly the prescription painkillers. Glancing at the directions he took one from the bottle and then went to pick up a bottle of water.

  
"So. You sure you don't want to tell us what's wrong?" he said as he sat there on the floor and opened the bottle.

  
The guitarist stayed silent but took the bottle and the pill and after swallowing it and several gulps of water he gave it back to the other. He glanced at the singer and turned then his head away. He didn't know what was wrong and why it felt like he was drowning, suffocating. It was overwhelming and made him think he was going crazy.

  
"Okay. It's fine. Let's think further in the morning", Chester smiled softly and opened one of the individually packed disinfectant wipes. "I'm just going to do this quickly and then leave you alone if you want."

  
Brad bit down to his lip and watched as the hand grabbed his arm, eyes studied it and then the other hand came and wiped the thin fabric over the marks. He cringed when the alcohol hit the raw skin but let Chester continue. When the singer was done he wiped Brad's thin fingers too but couldn't get all the blood of under the nails. But the most important thing was that the marks were clean. He threw the used wipes and empty foil packets to the trash and sighed. Not even really thinking it he grabbed the guitarist to a hug. He knew Brad would get over this. He was so strong and already got through way much worse situations. Mike was another thing.

  
After a while he turned to look at the other, "So. Is there anything else that I can help with?"

  
"I want Mike."

  
_Of course he does,_ Chester thought smiling. He picked up his phone and knew if he would just let it ring once Mike would get it and come back. And so it was. Not even minute passed when Mike came running back, looking surprised and scared.

  
"Calm down. He is fine. Just wanted you back", Chester couldn't help the chuckle. They were such a cute couple and Mike's worry, as over-pouring as it was, was also warming his heart.

  
Mike could feel the relief spread throughout him. Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe it was just a minor setback. He watched as Chester got up to his feet and went then to Brad. "Hey. Can I get you up from the floor? I think the bed would be more comfortable place to sit. Besides you still have the sweaty clothes on."

  
Brad nodded and let the emcee help him. Chester watched them closely. The way they interacted, perfectly in sync was making him happy. Even if Brad wasn't talking and telling why he was feeling like that, Mike read everything else like an open book. Better than he did. Maybe even better than Brad himself did. When Brad was back on the bed Mike started to take the boot off to get his clothes changed. Shower could wait until the morning, Brad needed sleep and the warmth of Mike's body more now.

  
"Hey. Call me if you need me. Even if it's five AM", Chester touched Mike's shoulder slightly and left then the room.

  
"So... I try to be calm now. Sorry that I freaked out. It's just weird. I knew this would...", Mike said helping the shirts off of the other but closed his mouth when he saw how mad Brad looked.

  
_I told you so. Never used that sentence or anything similar,_ he thought.

  
And soon Brad was under the covers wearing his favorite pajama pants and a t-shirt that was probably from Hybrid Theory days. Mike didn't bother to change his own clothes anymore or undress. He turned off the lamp and crawled next to the guitarist trying to ignore the fear that was still weighing him down.

  
"I think you should consider tossing this shirt. There are soon more holes than actual fabric", he let out a chuckle when his hand slipped inside from a hole in the shirt. Brad's skin was cold under his touch and Mike knew he was freezing.

  
"But I love it. It reminds me of you."

  
Mike thought his heart probably skipped a beat. "Oh. It's mine isn't it?"

  
"You left it at my place years ago and I just forgot it. And now it has a different meaning."

  
"God I love to hear your voice. You have no idea how much it hurts when you don't talk", Mike gasped.

  
Brad chewed his lip and pondered the words. He couldn't explain it. Didn't even know where to begin.

  
"Are you going to do it again?" Mike mumbled.

  
"I don't... Please stop it. I can't..."

  
"Okay okay. Sorry. Just don't shut me off. I can barely handle you not speaking. If you start to push me away I can't do this anymore", Mike said feeling like his heart was being squeezed. It hurt too much for him even to think it further.

  
But Brad snuggled closer bringing his face to Mike's neck. Wrapping his arm around Mike and clinging to him like to the last straw he let out a long sigh. "I love you so much."

  
Mike let an equally long sigh and sunk his nose into the curls. "I love you too."

  
\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed. Kudos and comments are also greatly appreciated.


	28. And when you tell me again that I should give in

 

\-------

 

Mike couldn't really sleep that night. Brad had fallen asleep soon, but he stayed up pondering was there something he could do. He could make up many things he could try, but the more he thought about them the more they didn't make any sense anymore. After the sun had started to rise the rays creeping in between the blinds he sighed and got up. Brad was still cold under his touch and he wrapped the blanket around him up to the chin. Then he went to wash his face and order breakfast from the room service, with coffee. While he waited he changed his clothes. After he got the first sip of the black liquid down he grabbed a throw blanket from the chair and sat on the floor with the coffee wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. There he watched Brad's sleeping form and fell back into his thoughts.

  
He didn't know how long it had been when he awoke to Brad sat next to him. "Hi."

  
"Hey", he moved the blanket to get Brad under it and squeezed him closer. Brad was actually smiling, which was confusing him. "What now?"

  
The other sighed. "Stop asking me that. I have no fucking idea what is going in my head but I am okay now. So can we just..."

  
"Just continue? If that's what you wish then yes. But you have to know how it breaks my heart to see you fall apart", Mike mumbled.

  
"I know. I really do. It wasn't that bad yesterday."

  
"Yeah well...", Mikes started but bit down then to his lip. He had to take a second to calm himself down. He really just wanted to yell at Brad that he wasn't okay and needed help but he didn't want to force him to anything either. "Maybe it wasn't to you but it was to me. After all we have achieved... And then you pushed me away. That hurts the most. If you can't talk it hurts, but I can deal with it. If you start... Brad, I love you too much. Don't shut me out. Please."

  
"I can't explain it. Sometimes it feels like you're crushing me, but then I feel... like... I need you. You make me whole", the guitarist mumbled, afraid that he would make Mike regret their relationship.

  
"So... Let me get this straight. I suffocate you but make you feel whole?" Mike asked even more confused.

  
"Yeah. Or maybe that is the thing. I feel like I am supposed to be better and live up to some standard but when I can't I feel like I am a disappointment. And I know it's stupid. I shouldn't feel this way. You know, get confused and scared. The guy is caught and all that. Still I just...", Brad shrugged.

  
Mike grabbed Brad's hand that had again started to scratch the cream white skin. "You're not. A disappointment. You never are. And it's not stupid. You are so brave that you are trying. And it's okay to break down. But I wish you wouldn't have to do it. That I could help you so you can heal in peace. But I am still so proud of you. So, so proud. You have to know it right?"

  
There was just a nod instead of words, but Mike took it gladly.

  
"If I am suffocating you then... we need to figure something out", Mike sighed. Chester's words ran through his head and he got chills just by thinking that he would have to be apart from Brad. He knew he could do it if it meant that Brad would get better. But the idea still cut him so deeply.

  
"Yeah. Don't... demand it. That's what's the worst part", Brad mumbled confused by all the emotions that he couldn't recognize.

  
"Okay. Then I will try to do what you wish", Mike nodded. Then he noticed that Brad's hand had trailed again to the arm. "Wait a second."

  
He got up to his feet and walked to the bathroom. There he picked up the same first-aid kit that Chester had used the day before and rummaged through it. It didn't have nail clippers but traditional small nail scissors, but he decided that he would manage with them.

  
"So, let's use these first. Are you hungry? How is the foot?" Mike sat in front of him and pulled him closer. Brad lifted his legs over Mike's, one on each side of him, and Mike picked up his other hand instantly. Starting from the thumb he glanced at Brad who looked ashamed.

  
Crossing his ankles behind the other, trying to be careful with his foot, Brad sighed and ignored the questions. "It's just..."

  
"Babe, you don't need to explain it. Or apologize to me", Mike shook his head and smiled.

  
"Yeah. You would think that at this age I would be able to suppress such urge", Brad mumbled sarcastically and stared at the scissors that shaped his nails quickly cutting off the length and sharp corners.

  
"We're humans after all", Mike shrugged.

  
"Yeah. That. And I thought it is simple", Brad rolled his eyes and continued to stare as Mike picked up his other hand.

  
"What simple is there when my best friend that I love secretly gets attacked randomly, loses his memory, doesn't speak and falls in love with me?" Mike snorted causing Brad to shook his head in amusement.

  
"When you put it like that it does seem simple."

  
"At least more simple than reality. But what fun would there be if life would be simple? It would be so boring" the half Asian raised his eyebrow and checked both hands that the nails were short enough for him. Then he ran his fingertips over them making sure all the sharp points were gone too.

  
"You know you have to do that again next week?"

  
Mike's lip curled to half smile and reached to place the scissor to a table. "Yeah. And where will we be then?"

  
"I don't know. Wouldn't it be boring if we would know it beforehand?" Brad noted sarcastically them both knowing that as touring band they did have a schedule and they would know where they would be if they would only ask.

  
"Are you turning my wisdom to a joke Delson?" Mike smirked.

  
"Maybe."

  
"You're so annoying, you know that right?" the half Asian shook his head again.

  
"Yeah. That's part of the charm", Brad sighed dramatically and burst into laughter when Mike grabbed him to a hug. Together they fell on their side to the floor, both laughing.

  
"And yet I still love you", Mike smiled and ran his hand across his back to draw him closer.

  
"So you do."

  
"So what are we going to do?"

  
"Continue. Cause that's what we are supposed to do. Together."

  
"Yeah... I am just... You know that. I already told you plenty of times that I am scared that you will fall apart and I can't fix you", Mike sighed.

  
"But you always do. Have a little faith in yourself too. But don't push. If I shut down don't...", Brad shook his head slightly.

  
"I will try. It just messes up my head", Mike mumbled and wrapped his arms around the other. But he was still reluctant. Still second-guessing the idea. "You didn't say you love me by the way."

  
"Yeah. I didn't", Brad answered smirking.

  
"Asshole", the half Asian grumbled but gasped when Brad suddenly connected their lips.

  
Mike squeezed him, wanting him even closer as the tongue slipped in his mouth. The kiss wasn't rough and hasty, but more passionate and eager. That type that told how much Brad loved and needed him without leaving any hesitation behind. He whimpered when the hand trailed to his hair, fingers raking through the dark strands.

  
"I do love you", Brad murmured when he broke the kiss.

  
"So I can tell", Mike smirked breathlessly.

  
"So don't ever question it again."

  
"I won't."

  
"Can I now have something to eat. I am starving", Brad nuzzled his neck. He really didn't want to get up, even though the fitted carpet grossed him out, cause Mike holding him now felt so good.

  
The other smiled and slowly crawled up and helped him up then too. They at the breakfast in silence, but Mike was content now. Scared but also glad that Brad had told him to back off. Or not exactly cause of that, but that Brad had actually had the guts to say it out loud. Chester had been right and he had been just blinded by the worry to see that Brad needed the space. After they were done Mike left Brad to take a shower and left to catch up with the rest.

  
"He is better", Mike said as Rob opened the door a clear question painted on his face.

  
"Good. We know he would be soon", the other nodded and let the half Asian in.

  
"Yeah but...", Mike started and stopped then with a sigh.

  
"I talked with Ches too yesterday. You really are too worried. First of all, I think he is confused and if you keep insisting that he talks he will just get more confused. That's his way to deal with it. Secondly, you need to worry about yourself too. You are driving yourself mad", Rob explained.

  
"I know. But the thing is that he is still being stubborn and thinks he can do it."

  
"And? You have to trust. Yesterday went okay. It wasn't that bad. Actually, it was way better than I expected based on the previous panic attack."

  
Mike groaned. Frustrated, scared and even mad. "You didn't see what it was like when he wouldn't talk. I can't let it happen again."

  
"I was there. Remember who was the one you called to when you couldn't handle it? Who calmed you down? At times I was more worried about you than him. He was still there, still trying to manage but you were slowly falling to pieces. So, I think I can pretty much get what it was like, even though I didn't see most of it with my own eyes. It's his way to deal with it. What do you think will happen if you continue to freak out and try to get him to talk?" Rob raised his eyebrow. Maybe Brad would fall apart. But right now they couldn't focus on that. It just wouldn't lead anywhere if they would anticipate it. "Seriously. Think about it. If you constantly worry about him breaking down you will eventually do it yourself. For him, or then to yourself."

  
The half Asian sat down on the small couch and dropped his head to his hands rubbing his face. "I just..."

  
"I know you're scared. I am too. But I am also scared that you drive him to the state he can't deal with it anymore and wants to leave you. What then?"

  
"Fuck", Mile gasped. That was the last thing he wanted, but it was still so hard to let go. After all that time that Brad had cling to him, he was supposed to give him space. The idea seemed so absurd, even when he knew perfectly well why it did also make sense.

  
"You can't control everything. Let him try to analyze the situation and his feelings alone for a while", the other continued staring at Mike who looked sad. "Besides, wouldn't it make him stronger if you let himself figure out what's happening?"

  
Same time Chester stumbled in all sweaty and happy. Apparently coming from the gym. "How's he?"

  
"Okay. Now."

  
Rob sighed and glanced at the singer who sat beside Mike and took his _let me tell you how this goes_ \- face. "Let him be. He is stronger than you think."

  
"You know how fucking hard it is? After all that... him not speaking, barely eating... And now the panic attacks. And then he basically told me I am suffocating him. That I can't keep pushing cause...", Mike mumbled.

  
"We get it. But you still have to do it. He can never learn again how to deal with it if you are there always making sure nothing happens. And when you can't suddenly be there the fall is so much harder. Yesterday wasn't bad", Chester said.

  
"But..."

  
"No. It was not. You were overreacting and making it worse than it was. I know you weren't in the room to see it but it didn't take that long for him to relax. You have to learn to let go."

  
The emcee wanted to object. He wanted to say that Chester was wrong and Brad needed him, but he couldn't. Cause he knew he was right. Brad did need him, but it didn't mean that he needed him to be there next to him all the time.

  
"You going crazy and mad... That's what only makes it worse", Chested continued trying to make sure Mike actually got the point and wouldn't be his stupid stubborn self once again.

  
And Mike couldn't even answer. It was so hard to admit that maybe he was doing something wrong, and actually stop doing it.

  
"I know what you're thinking. You are trying your best. And wanting it for him. We all know it. I get that you don't see that you are doing more harm. And maybe it could have worked before. But something has changed and now he needs space."

  
Then there was a knock on the door and Mike grumbled. He would have to just give up and adjust to a new way of doing things. Chester went to open the door and Brad walked in. And just like always before the guitarist sat beside him and snuggled closer letting out a content sigh as a smile spread on his lips. Mike pulled him under his arm and watched as the head leaned on his chest.

  
"They are cute", Chester smirked at Rob.

  
"You didn't need help with the boot?" Mike asked rubbing his fingertips in the short hairs on the back of Brad's head.

  
"No. I still have two working hands you know", the other grinned.

  
Mike kissed the top of his head. "Mhm. So I have noticed."

  
"Wait. Was that a suggestion?"

  
"It wasn't!" Mike let out a laugh and shook his head then. "I will wait until we are alone to suggest anything."

  
"Oh. Okay. Well, I will wait for that."

  
"So. I am sorry to interrupt your cuddling which is giving me cavities, but we had a talk with Mike", Chester cleared his throat. He was still slightly unsure that Mike had actually gotten the point. Or maybe he had, but was trying to deal with it his own way.

  
"Chester you don't..." Mike huffed. He didn't want to have this conversation again. It was humiliating to him, especially when Brad was there and he basically had to just admit he had done it all wrong.

  
"Yes we do. Brad, Mike will give you some space. None of us know really what goes inside your head but based on yesterday and what you had said to Mike we figured it's the best thing to do. But we are still here. We all are. I just hope you realize that there's actual help too. Like therapy or meds. It's not like we can't visit a doctor even if we are touring."

  
Rob watched them all silently. He felt sorry for Mike. It wasn't a secret that Mike was a control-freak and now he couldn't do what he wanted. It was so clear that Mike was still objecting, even when he understood it was a right thing. He was so used to get his way that he couldn't really even see that maybe it wasn't always the best thing. But Mike looked annoyed, like he didn't really know how to be. Brad was listening calmly but Rob could see he also sensed Mike's state of mind and was slightly squirming.

  
"I know. But I don't want..." Brad shook his head. Even the idea made him almost cringe. Some person asking for questions he didn't know the answer to sounded horrible.

  
Mike pulled him tighter against himself and kissed his temple. "It's okay. You go if you want to. But we will try Chester's approach. If you decide you don't want to talk I will shut my mouth too. I'll be there, but I try not to freak out or make you talk. I remember when this all started and how bad I felt when others were trying to make you talk. You know, police and all that... So... I guess I should have remembered that too." He spoke totally ignoring Chester and Rob. After all, Brad and his opinion were what mattered the most.

  
"Okay", Brad just mumbled and let Mike pull his legs over his and now he was almost sitting on his lap. It was the safest place on earth for him and he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. And he wanted to show it. Especially now when Mike was visibly uncomfortable. "Hey. It's not the first time you have had to give in to me", Brad raised his eyebrow smirking.

  
"Thanks for reminding me of that", the emcee mumbled rolling his eyes as his cheeks flushed.

  
"Yeah. This is not any different. I try my best not to freak out on stage and if it happens you try your best to let me be if I want it", Brad stretched his leg that had the boot and leaned to kiss the other.

  
"I think we made the point and can leave to get some breakfast. Pretty sure we can find you in the room later, right? And I mean your room, Mike. Not on my bed", Chester grinned.

  
"Yeah yeah, you guys go. I think  _I_ have still a point to make", Brad wasn't really paying attention to anything else than the emcee who was too cute as he was blushing like a schoolgirl.

  
"Oh my god Delson, I swear someday I will kick your ass", Mike smirked as the guitarist pulled his to a hug and pressed against the backrest of the tiny couch. He heard Chester sigh and then two sets of feet moving towards the door that was closed soon behind.

  
"Why would you do such thing? I am totally innocent", the other laughed.

  
"And there it is again. God, you make me crazy..."

 

\----------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, glad that you dropped by. This story is almost at its end now. Some chapters to go still. Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos are also greatly appreciated.


	29. I know just where you are

 

\---------  
  
  
Another travel day. The way Brad was clinging onto Mike while they were just amongst the band and the crew was different this time. Even when Mike could feel the anxiety under the façade it wasn't as heavy as before. Maybe it was cause he had tried to listen to Chester. After their talk, he had promised to himself that he would do anything he could to change, if only it would mean that Brad would get better. It had been hard. He had to force himself constantly to not to do things the way he had done previously. But Chester was also helping him with it. Of course, it annoyed him that he had to be reminded about the situation. He felt like everything he had done this far was just dragging Brad to the wrong direction, or at least preventing him from not progressing. Even when he knew he had helped. Even when they told him he had.  
  
  
"I miss home already", Brad said and let his head roll to Mike's shoulder. Just casually. It shouldn't raise any questions from the driver if he would happen to glance at them.  
  
  
"Already?" Mike asked glancing out from the window. The car was driving them to the venue and soon he would a bundle of stress again.  
  
  
"Don't read between the lines", Brad snorted. "I meant just that I miss home because that's our place. Here, with others, we are really never alone. From hotel to hotel... They are just places to sleep. Not home. Not a place to live."  
  
  
"And still our lives are on the road", the half Asian raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
"Yes. And that makes getting back home even better", Brad tilted his head to face the other.  
  
  
Mike stared at the other, his eyes scanning his face slowly, "And then you miss back on the road."  
  
  
"Yeah. But I never missed back home as I do now. Though, I would miss more back home if we wouldn't be together. Think about me leaving on tour and you staying alone home. God, I would hate that", Brad groaned.  
  
  
"Glad we don't have to be apart", the emcee answered running his fingers through the short hairs in the back of Brad's head.  
  
  
"Fuck... You know I still feel weird?"  
  
  
"About?"  
  
  
"Well this whole thing. That I want to be with you and I hate that I can't touch you on stage or so, as I can here. But then that it's not good to be with you all the time. That I have to learn how to deal with... this thing that keeps messing up my head, by myself. I know Chester is right. I know that. But it still is weird", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
Mike just nodded staying silent for a while. Then he sighed and draw a smile on his lips. "Yeah. I think that maybe Chester and the others saw something we couldn't. Cause when you are in it, you can't see all point of views. It's blinding. Sure I feel bad, cause my way to handle it was questioned. You know how much I hate it when I can't do it as I want. But all that matters is you getting better. If it means I need to step back then I will do it. You know I would do anything for you."  
  
  
"Yeah. I sure know that. You love the control", Brad chuckled as the car stopped.  
  
  
Mike laughed at the remark and started to get up from the car. His hand, however, stopped at the handle when Brad tugged him back, against himself.  
  
  
"But seriously. I love you", Brad said. "I hate that I can't just shrug the feeling off. But I don't want to give up."  
  
  
"I know that babe. I probably would have given up if I were you. Ages ago", the other answered.  
  
  
After glancing that the driver didn't see them Brad brought him to a quick kiss, both knowing that they couldn't hold each other for hours. Then they got out from the car and headed to the venue together with the others.  
  
  
Walking behind the guitarist Mike noticed the instant change in Brad's mood when they entered the backstage area. And now he really had to focus that he himself wouldn't start to panic. Once again he had no idea what was happening in Brad's head but he was still there, fighting it.  
  
  
Chester grabbed him to a hug as he noticed him staring Brad. "Let it go. He is trying. Don't get there and interrupt it."  
  
  
He nodded and turned his gaze away. Brad would come to him if he would need help. At least that he hoped that Brad would do. "Yeah. He seemed fine just minutes ago."  
  
  
"And he will be. Think about it. Seriously. After all that he has to go back on stage. Then he tries to deal with it, in his own way and gets confused. And then you come and try to pull answers out of him that he doesn't have. The show is done in no time, and I think that every show makes him stronger", Chester tried to reassure him.  
  
  
"But... Can I at least ask does he need me?" Mike mumbled. His heart was hurting and it felt like Brad was rejecting him, even when he really even wasn't.  
  
  
"Yeah but... God, you're so weird when you are in love. I think the smart Mike is blinded by it. You need to see it yourself. Look at him. He isn't panicking. He shut down and is probably annoyed cause he knows we talk behind his back, but he is okay", Chester nodded towards the guitarist who was sitting on a floor and stretching his legs and adjusting the straps on the boot.  
  
  
Mike let out a heavy sigh. He was annoyed too. Feeling helpless. The contradictory was what weighed him down. Brad turned to face him just as he was about to answer and gave him a small nod. He was trying to reassure Mike too. Make him feel good, cause there was nothing else they could do than to just see what was coming. Mike tilted his head and formed the three words with his lips that always made Brad smile. So it did now too and the smile that spread on Brad's lips was happy and genuine. The other turned back and Mike took time to think how he would form the words to Chester.  
  
  
"I... yeah, I can agree to that. At one point I thought I should just take him to a therapist. You know, not particularly force him, but not tell until we would be at the appointment. And then... well I thought when we would be there he would think that it's beneficial and just give up and talk with the therapist. Sounds cruel, doesn't it? And I thought it many times. Only once I actually already had the phone in my hand and was about to make the call. But he would have hated me. Even if the therapist would have helped, I know he would have hated me that I forced him to talk. Basically, because of course, he could have remained silent there too, if he would have wanted. And then I was doing the exact same thing myself anyway. Not much, but I just slipped to it... The silence was just... It was too much. Even when I got used to it. And then, when he finally talked, but suddenly fell back again to it, I thought I had failed. That I did something that caused it, even when it was just a pattern. I really should have seen it", Mike grumbled.  
  
  
"Have you thought that maybe you should see a therapist? We know he doesn't want to talk with someone like that when he barely does with us, but maybe a therapist would help you to deal with all this. Maybe we could all use some help, to be honest. Just to get some tools to process the emotions better. I know Dave and Joe are still little overwhelmed that you two are suddenly together. Neither feels bad you know? Of course, they are happy, but I got the impression that they both are hurt that you told only Rob. And we need to remember the attack too... He could have died. It was all so much and just things piling over others before we had even got used to the first one", the singer reasoned.  
  
  
"Me telling Rob was just an accident. But yeah, I get that point of view. Maybe I should see someone. God the attack... And there's still all the legal stuff to deal with. Hope it doesn't break him", Mike sighed when he realized that and rubbed his temples. So much fear for everything that was about to come and he had no idea how he would actually get through it. But seeing a therapist didn't seem that bad idea at all. "Maybe... Maybe if I see professional first... It would be easier. You know, he would get used to the idea like that."  
  
  
"Maybe. Who knows. Maybe he would want to talk but is scared cause he doesn't know how. Therapists are professionals after all like you said, so they should be able to open up the mental locks he has", Chester nodded.  
  
  
The half Asian glanced at Brad who stood up and went to have a word with his guitar technician. "I think I will keep that in my mind and make the call then if it seems like the best idea."  
  
  
"You never know if you don't try", Chester shrugged smiling and patted his back.  
  
  
And then it was already showtime. Mike didn't like the way Brad withdraw to himself. He didn't like it at all that Brad who had once been so cheery and happy was now the complete opposite. But he wished it was still just a phase. Cause after all they had gotten already far from what it had been.  
  
  
And Brad wasn't panicking. He was quiet, but otherwise acting normally. Through the whole show, Mike kept his eyes on Brad but soon noticed that he didn't have anything to worry about. Brad was having fun on stage and even interacting with the crowd.  
  
  
When the show was over Mike kept the distance to Brad, just like he was expected. He tried not to stare too much and stay calm remembering what Chester said about him freaking out and only making it worse. It didn't take long until they were back in the cars and heading to the hotel. Mike scrutinized his face, trying to search for some emotions he could grasp onto but failed. There was nothing and he was still quiet.  
  
  
"Hey", the word was so sudden that he almost flinched.  
  
  
"Hey", he answered, and now he couldn't wait that he could grab the other to a hug when they would be in the hotel room.  
  
  
"Brad. You okay?" Rob asked tilting his head.  
  
  
"Yeah. I think so. But I need a painkiller", the guitarist nodded staring at the boot.  
  
  
Chester, hearing the conversation, looked at Mike and gave him a soft smile.  _They are going to be okay. Brad is going to recover back to what he was and Mike will get used to it all and switch back the professional side,_  he thought. Just seeing his friends supporting and loving each other that much, after such terrible events, was warming his heart more than he would have ever believed.  
  
  
"You will get one when we are back at the hotel. Not long anymore", Mike said.  
  
  
"How does the arm feel then?" Rob continued, knowing that even if it had even a long while ago something so severe could cause pain still, especially when the arm was now used heavily almost every day.  
  
  
"Fine. The muscles still get tense but it doesn't ache. Sometimes I wake up it being partially numb but it's okay. The boot is what still annoys me. Can't wait to get rid of it", the guitarist sighed shaking his head.  
  
  
Rob nodded and watched as Brad smiled to Mike, looking like he managed to just barely keep his hands off of Mike, to not caress him there. It was amazing him how life just carried them forward not really caring were they holding on or not. Time went by and the only thing they could do was to try to deal with things that were happening. Even if they didn't want to. Sometimes things that happened didn't seem good at first but lead to things that were. And after all, it came down to how they adjusted. This was really just that. What had happened was horrible, but if it didn't have happened Mike wouldn't have told Brad how he felt. And they both would have hidden their feelings maybe even forever.  
  
  
"Are you hungry?" Mike asked as he followed Brad inside the hotel.  
  
  
"Tired. Can we get an early breakfast and just go to bed now? I really just want to cuddle", the other answered.  
  
  
"That's fine. I really wouldn't care for food either."  
  
  
He wasn't hungry but he also knew that he couldn't even concentrate on food or get it down when Brad so clearly stated he wanted to cuddle.  
  
  
"Mike", Chester grabbed his arm when he opened the room door for Brad. Waiting for the other to disappear inside the singer opened his mouth again. "Again, get me if you need anything. I don't give a shit if it's four AM. I think you couldn't have done better today and it just might be the reason Brad is now so calm. But even then, if you need to talk I am here. You're an idiot, occasionally, but you're my friend, my idiot."  
  
  
"I will", Mike nodded and shook his head then at the remark. He had been an idiot, but that was what love did. And he was happy that he had friends to show him that.  
  
  
Brad was peeling off the boot from his leg when Mike walked to the room. Closing the door Mike felt like his heart was about to explode. Brad was still calm and the smile was on his lips again. Bad day here and there wouldn't matter if this was what was waiting for him after. He walked there to help to get the thing off and finally Brad could bend his ankle and properly stretch his leg. Then he opened his bag and lifting perfectly folded clothes aside found the painkillers.  
  
  
"Am I tired only cause this is so new again after so long break or is it the situation?" Brad asked and took the pill that Mike gave him and then the water bottle.  
  
  
"Probably both. It's mentally exhausting that you need to be on the edge all the time", the half Asian noted.  
  
  
Nodding Brad swallowed the pill and got up to undress. Mike took the water bottle from him and took a long drink from it before he closed the cap and left it to the bedside table on Brad's side.   
  
  
"We have done only a few shows. But remember what it was like when we started? Boring traveling, nothing to do while sitting on a bus or the plane. Waiting. Lots of waiting. Then the show and sleeping in strange hotels. Then more traveling and waiting. Occasional interviews, sometimes more than just a few. Yeah... Just what we talked before the show. It's exhausting but we do it cause we love it. Being on stage and playing to people that have come to see us", he said and went to turn off the ceiling light.  
  
  
Brad hummed an answer and yawned. The other shook his head and let out a laugh when he saw that Brad just laid himself on the bed still wearing the shirts, legs hanging over the side of the bed. "Let me help with the shirts. He climbed on the bed, behind the other and pulled the shirts off tossing them carelessly on the floor. Scanning over Brad's naked upper body his eyes stopped at the scars. Reaching his hand out he trailed over them. One at a time, from up to down. When Brad shivered he stopped and pulled him against his chest, enclosing his body with his arms.  
  
  
"Sorry", he said, squeezing the other.  
  
  
"It's fine. I was just cold. How do they look?", Brad wrapped his fingers around the arm that was around his shoulders and shifted closer, wanting to get so close that he knew he would get anxious in his sleep. But now even that wasn't enough.  
  
  
Mike pulled the blanket over them and kissed his neck softly. "Fading."  
  
  
"You know I wouldn't change a single day. I think I already said it. Even all the... hard stuff. I still wouldn't. Cause you have been there with me", Brad said.  
  
  
"I wish I could say the same. I know what you mean but I hated to see you so hurt."  
  
  
"Yeah. I know. And I am glad it was you. Even if I wouldn't have loved you, or you me", the guitarist answered.  
  
  
"So I did something right then?"  
  
  
"I think... that you did everything right. But then something else was needed and that wasn't the same thing as it had been before. Because the situation changed. You know?"  
  
  
"Makes sense. I wish I would have realized it before", the half Asian sighed.  
  
  
"Stop blaming yourself. None of us knew what to do. We are here now", Brad smiled.  
  
  
Mike kissed his cheek and squeezed him. "And I am not going anywhere."  
  
  
  
\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading. Kudos and reviews are also highly appreciated, as well as bookmarks and subscriptions. Love you all.


	30. Best things come to those who wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter. Hurts to let go, but it's the time.

 

 

\-----------  
  
  
  
"God... This all has happened so fast", Mike sighed letting Brad hug him.  
  
  
"Yeah. But it doesn't mean it isn't true. Remember once you said to me that it isn't? It has been a long way from that. Right?"  
  
  
"But you have to understand why I was so confused. These things just don't happen. We have known for so many years, and then suddenly..." Mike shook his head smiling.  
  
  
"And still it did", the guitarist raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
"And still I wait for the day that I wake up alone realizing it was all just a dream. Call me skeptical, but I don't believe things that I can't affect myself."  
  
  
"But you really have. Think about it. You can't make people fall in love with you but being you, that Mike that I have known forever, was one aspect. It still is", Brad noted.  
  
  
"I know love isn't... well rational. And I should know that since I fell in love so suddenly, randomly", the half Asian sighed and shrugged.  
  
  
"And it's really fucking weird to me that you have trusted me all this time as a friend, but then suddenly when I told about my feelings you suddenly turned apprehensive. It was like you didn't know me anymore. And it was still me", Brad raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
Mike shook his head and sighed again. "Yeah, but the circumstances weren't normal. If you would have told it to me just like... in the middle of the tour or so, I would have believed you more easily. Even if you would have done it after my confession."  
  
  
"And without the attack, we would have never been driven to the point that we would have confessed", Brad reminded him.  
  
  
"I know. And I still hate to think something good came out of that. A person is dead after all and you were seriously wounded. What if you would have died? What would I had done then?"  
  
  
Brad squeezed him tight and let out a sigh. "We shouldn't think about it. Not like that. I am still here. Of course, we need to be glad, but not ponder what if... that if I would have died. It's not something I want to use my time in."  
  
  
"And I know you have to think about it all again in the trial. Which... I still don't know how it will go and is it possible to do so that you aren't there physically", Mike frowned.  
  
  
"We will see that then. The investigators will explain it, I am pretty sure. And I hope they can arrange it so that we don't have to fly from Europe, or where the hell we are then, just for some hours. I know it's serious but that would still be stupid. If only it's possible", the guitarist shrugged.  
  
  
"I would think so. You were the victim after all. Are you waiting for the European gigs?" Mike asked then, and glanced around him, making sure no outsider saw him kissing Brad's cheek. The crew had taken their relationship so well that they didn't even get weird looks. As he knew the people he was sure the result would have been the same without the non-disclosure agreement.  
  
  
Something he would never get used to. He wasn't only traveling and having fun with his best friends, but also with the love of his life. Because that Brad certainly was to him. And he had never thought they would actually be in that situation. Just a few months ago he was hopelessly in love, thinking that he would just have to move on and bury the feeling somewhere deep inside.  
  
  
"Yes! Can't wait to get back there. Yeah, with you. And then get back home again", Brad read his mind.  
  
  
"Do you... um, like maybe move in with me?" Mike blushed slightly wondering where that came from.  
  
  
"Well, I technically already live there."  
  
  
"No, seriously. So much of your stuff is still at your place. Do you miss back there?"  
  
  
Brad shook his head after pondering the question a second. "No. Not really. Of course, it reminds me also of the good times, not only the bad ones. But there's really nothing for me. I rather make new memories with you than stay bound to the old ones. There's so much for us to see still."  
  
  
"Okay you are getting optimistic to the point it's annoying", Mike chuckled. "Okay. I am glad you feel that way. Will see then what we will do with your stuff and mine."  
  
  
"Oh oh! That's so cool to have all guitars in one place!" Brad got excited and it made Mike laugh and hug him.  
  
  
"You and your guitars... God, I love you", Mike shook his head.  
  
  
"And my guitars", the other laughed and received a poke to his ribs.  
  
  
"So can I be serious a second?" the half Asian sighed. He had thought a long while should he bring the subject up or not.  
  
  
Brad rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming. "Yeah yeah, go ahead."  
  
  
"The therapy. Are you going?"  
  
  
After all, Brad had decided to go and see a therapist. It had been one of those decisions that just happened. He didn't even really think it that much. Just woke up and said to Mike that he will make an appointment. Mike was dumbfounded of the sudden turn, but since it was just a good thing he didn't pry why. And when Brad had called to the therapist Mike had waited for him to tell when is the appointment going to be. But he never did.  
  
  
"I didn't like the guy. But I told him that and he said it happens. Something about chemistry. He gave me another number", Brad said shrugging.  
  
  
"Okay. Good. If you want to go I don't care how long does it take for you to find a good one for you. And if you suddenly decide you don't want to go, that's okay too. There's always the next day", the emcee nodded. After all, Brad was still progressing.  
  
  
"Yeah. When I get the next bad panic attack you..."  
  
  
"Brad no. I said I won't force you. But I also told you that you will know yourself what's right. So if you feel like you don't need it then it's up to you. You can always change your mind. Like you did", Mike's lip curled to a smile. He knew how hard it had to be. But the worst thing would still be that he would force the other to do something he wasn't ready for.  
  
  
"Yeah. I'll go. When I find a good one. Maybe... you come with me?"  
  
  
Mike felt his heart melt.  _If that isn't trust then nothing is_ , he thought. "If you want, I will. To be honest, I don't like about the idea of talking to a stranger either, but anything to get you better."  
  
  
"And you know Chester thinks you need it more than I", Brad smirked and Mike knew he was joking. Even if there was truth behind it.  
  
  
"I don't know should I be glad that you didn't lose your sense of humor", the emcee snorted.  
  
  
"Guys! Time to stop yapping and get on stage!" Jim came to usher them forward.  
  
  
"Ready?" Mike dropped his arms and took a step back from the other. Back to the world that didn't know about them.  
  
  
"Ready", Brad nodded and noticed Chester also staring at them smiling. They cared. And he was lucky to have such friends. Even without Mike, he would have recovered with the help of the rest. He would have, just differently.  
  
  
The show went just as expected. They were great, the crowd was great. Chester glanced at Brad when he could, making sure he was doing okay. He was. The worry inside Chester hadn't gone anywhere, but it was lighter now. The main reason for it was Mike. He had really listened and taken the step back he needed. That lead to Brad trying to deal with his own emotions, instead of Mike trying to decode them and then make him deal with them as he himself would. It hadn't been long, but it didn't really matter to Chester if it had been days or months. They had gotten over some wall that had been keeping them in. They both were confused and would have gotten lost without the others interfering. He still found it weird that they were together but in that warm and fuzzy type. That what makes you wonder what love really is. He was glad. They all were. And the only worry, that the relationship would have affected the band, was long gone now.  
  
  
Hours later they were back at the hotel. The late dinner was something Brad never looked forward to since he just wanted to relax and get to sleep then. That was why they so often just ordered from room service and stayed just twosome. And it wasn't that he didn't like to be with his friends, but touring, then the shows and interviews added there was already much to deal with. So he rather took every single available moment he could that they could spend together with Mike.  
  
  
And there, like that, both undressing and getting ready to sleep, was really what he saw in the future too. Whether it was in a hotel room or in their home, they were together after all. And nothing else mattered.  
  
  
"Hey, do you mind if I check Twitter first?" Mike peeked in the bathroom while Brad was brushing his teeth. The other shrugged and shook his head then. He knew Mike and his obsession with social media.  
  
  
After the attack, Mike had had to be really careful what he would say, but slowly he learned to separate a version of himself that was the one active in social media. The one that was divorced and touring with his band. Nothing more. Behind the closed doors, he could relax and be the real himself. People brought up the attack all the time, but even if they as a band wanted to talk about it they wanted the legal stuff to be over before. Brad reminded him constantly that the people were curious because they were famous and the people, fans and media, didn't know it all. Their thirst to know would be quenched when they would know everything. And that day would never come since their relationship was at stake too.  
  
  
"Anything interesting?" Brad rolled on the bed next to the other and turned off the bedside table lamp on his side. He found it weird how every hotel room was so similar, even if they had been furnished differently. It was the overall feel in them.  
  
  
"Well, not really. Still, that, since the album came out... You know, that same old, 'Oh my god the new album sucks! It's pop! We need Hybrid Theory back!'" Mike rolled his eyes dramatically and snorted.  
  
  
"Only?" Brad snuggled closer entwining his cold feet with Mike, which the other hated.  
  
  
"No. But that's what is most distinguishable. It always is. The negative stands out more. But it won't matter anyway. The ones that love us won't judge. They either like the music or don't. Quite simple. It's never for everyone and we never can please everyone. It's not like we want to either..." the half Asian shrugged.  
  
  
"True", Brad yawned and snuggled closer.  
  
  
"Goddammit you're cold", the other grumbled and pulled the covers over them tighter, as it would help.  
  
  
"And you are so deliciously warm", Brad murmured against his neck and swung his arm over Mike's chest.  
  
  
Mike rolled his eyes smiling. "So no, that wasn't all there was. There were people, so many people, loving the album. Hyping the album, but also individual songs. And waiting to see us live. So, yeah. You did amazing."  
  
  
"So did you. And yes, the rest too, but I know you were talking about only me so I have to point out that it's not like that", Brad raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
"I still wonder... how does a human mind work. How did I suddenly fall in love with you. It's not really a wonder when I look at you, but you know, the point when friendship loving turned to romantically loving", the half Asian pondered.  
  
  
"Yeah. It feels like magic really. Something happens and you open your eyes differently and then also see the other person differently. Or... I don't know. Maybe you have loved always but just realize it then suddenly. Love is weird. But I'm not complaining", Brad turned his head to look at the other.  
  
  
"Neither am I. And even... even if we would have gotten together earlier... I don't know. It makes me think maybe this all was supposed to happen. And no, I am not talking about the attack, but everything else during the years. Maybe it wouldn't have lasted then. Maybe all the pain was needed."  
  
  
"God I hate to think that you were in pain", Brad scrunched his nose.  
  
  
"Brad it's fine. It's over now after all."  
  
  
"Yeah", the other said trying to get even closer, though there wasn't room anymore. Which Mike instantly noticed.  
  
  
"You're cold but didn't know you feel that cold. Do you want me to grab a hoodie for you?"  
  
  
"No, I just... Don't know. You know sometimes you want to get even closer to someone, even when it's physically impossible?" Brad said.  
  
  
"Yeah. I do. Even the hugging won't help, but you're still happy. It's not a bad feeling", Mike nodded. He certainly knew that. It wasn't anything new to him with Brad.  
  
  
"So. That. I feel that."  
  
  
"Okay. I don't mind you squeezing me.  
  
  
"I will keep squeezing you then", Brad smiled.  
  
  
Mike kissed him softly and smiled back. "Please do that. Keep squeezing me."  
  
  


 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for staying with me on this journey. Much love to all of you. Kudos and reviews are still greatly appreciated.


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